Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

[ThatsLife2]

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

Imagine if a woman, one year in, said to her boyfriend that she wanted to introduce toys into their sex life and he revolted in disgust, calling her a pervert. He wanted to end the relationship because she has a secret kink. She should have been up front straight away!

Well that's a nice little story you have created. The OP has not expressed disgust, she explicitly says she's not judgemental. She said she wasn't comfortable with doing what he wanted and the relationship continued until he began pressuring her to participate in his fetish. She has ended the relationship because they are not compatible. She is pissed off because he waited a year to tell her about something which is clearly important to him.

Women are not responsible for men's guilt or shame about their kinks and they have a right to end a relationship for any reason, including sexual incompatibility.

This isn't that unusual or shocking a fetish especially given the biology of where the male prostrate is. But if the OP isn't into it then it's obviously entirely up to her whether she continues the relationship or not.

She doesn't get to be angry at him waiting a year to bring it up though. It's hardly first-date material. It's not really a preference that straight men parade around because the submissive aspect (and gay connotations) aren't deemed masculine. It takes time to trust a new partner enough to bring up some fantasies - one of mine I only told DP after four years (and some more of mine will only ever be in my own head). A year is fair, I'm not really sure what OP's ideal timeframe would have been.

She absolutely has the right to be pissed off with him.

He wasted a year of her life, keeping this a secret and letting her think their sex life was enough for him when it clearly wasn't.

We are all well aware of where a man's G-spot is, dear. It doesn't mean we all want to fuck them up the ass, though. And guess what, if we don't want to, we don't have to.

Sorry didn’t realise you are a qualified sexologist who has conducted authoritative research on what people do and don’t do in bed.

I don’t tell my friends details about my sex life, and I don’t think most adults do. I don’t think the conversations you have with your friends are giving you the wide-ranging in-depth insight into sexual behaviour you think they are.

You also haven’t explained why it’s supposedly self-evident that an interest in toys is a kink when it comes from men but not when it comes from women.

He should have found the courage to mention it earlier if it is so important.

Did you not feel like ramming something hard up his arse out of exasperation?

I think you’ve done the right thing, and completely agree a year is too long for him to have waited to ask you that, given it sounds like it was a deal breaker for him (well I know he is now saying it isn’t- but as PPs have said, he will say what he thinks will get you back, but then either pressure you again later, or find what he needs elsewhere)

You aren’t being unreasonable. It risks being a fundamental incompatibility.

He may have kept pressuring you or gone elsewhere (a friend of mine was / is a sex worker and one of her regulars was a man who went to her for dom services. He was in a LTR but his partner did not want to get involved in this type of thing.)

It’s annoying he too so long to tell you. I remember dating a guy who told me his fetishes on the first date. I thought it was ridiculous to bring up sex so early but in hindsight was glad he did as it meant I did not waste time with a second date.)

YANBU OP, personally I’d have been put off by that instantly and it’s actually great he pushed you into leaving him by saying it was a dealbreaker although he’s now tried to backtrack.

I don’t think you’re sexually compatible and it’s best you go your separate ways. The past is the past and it’s done now but I do feel it was unwise at best and deceptive at worst to not share this information with you.

I believe he took this long because he thought it would probably be a turn off but he’s doing himself a disservice there too as he could’ve invested that time into finding someone who does accept and enjoy it. there’s someone for everyone.

A reminder that it’s a good idea to discuss kinks early on and even if you don’t have any make that clear to your partner and enquire about theirs so you at least open up the conversation.

It’s not like many straight men bother to send time searching for the female G spot after all… Yet women are expected to focus on the man’s?! I think not!

Every single person in the whole world judges all the time, you are judging me for this, I have judged you for your post. We judge, all of us, to stay safe.
So DO be judgemental, it's your right and you must do so to stay safe. Your ancestors being judgemental - using their judgement - is the reason you exist today.
Judging doesn't mean that we gossip or try to set out to hurt someone, of course, it just means we use our judgement and make our own choices and have our own boundaries. As is our right.

completely agree @Ohdearieme2025

I wonder where people would put the line between 'not comfortable enough in the early stages, and need time to build up the confidence to open up about these things'...vs... ''it's been too long, now I feel I've wasted time on a relationship... I wish he'd just have told me'.

Ideally in a relationship you would indeed focus on each other's G spots so I'm not sure why that expectation annoys you? If the man isn't focusing on yours bin him off obviously. And in the OP's case she doesn't want to and that's her prerogative.

You know that if he'd told her on the first date and she'd posted about it, we'd have 20 pages calling him a perv (which is why I imagine he waited).

Then she'd just be pissed off that he wasted "three months" or "six months" if it wasn't a year.

I feel it depends on each relationship but for me personally I’d say before I have sex. I was planning on having sex towards the second month of dating so I’d discussed kinks (or in our case the absence of them) with my boyfriend by then.

And whether you had sex or not I’d definitely expect someone to raise it by the 3rd or 4th month. A year is far too long to be “building confidence”

I had someone tell me online before the first date they were into something I wasn’t (voyeurism i think they called it ). It was a no for me but I thanked them and appreciated the honesty and didn’t think they were being vulgar getting that in early.

I think the reactions on this thread are EXACTLY why the guy waited a year to bring this up. Much better for him to bury his thoughts and get on with being a man the way you want him to be.
Also... some women enjoy anal. You do know that right? You all speak like this is something women only do because porn taught men it was normal.

He had no right to conceal something from her that to him was a dealbreaker and he knew - or at least assumed - would be a turn off.

I don’t think it’s fair to blame women for men being deceptive or withholding information.

If someone doesn’t accept you and your desires/kinks etc - they’re not for you and you are free to move on and find someone better suited. And so are they - but you shouldn’t hide things like that.

It’s better for both parties in the long term if they are honest earlier on.

Why should he divulge his fantasies before he's ready though?

Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual on anyone else's timescale imo.

Op was clearly enjoying dating him so it's not like a total waste of time, she had fun, then found out they weren't compatible long term. It happens.

She doesn't get to be angry at him waiting a year to bring it up though. It's hardly first-date material

There are 365 days between first date and a year in.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy

“And honestly, I’ve seen this so often—both here on MN and in real life—where men reveal these things only once they feel the woman is too emotionally invested to leave.”

This.

Honestly a year in is not the dating phase. It’s a full blown committed partnership. To wait one year to reveal something you apparently “cannot live without” is not merely waiting to feel comfortable. It’s waiting until you feel the woman is so emotionally invested she won’t want to leave and will try to accommodate.

This makes no sense.

But that aside not everybody here is stigmatising it. Just saying it is fair for OP to end a relationship over this.

Not posting this on my main because it makes me feel icky still to this day, but I was in a similar situation years ago. When I was really young. Stayed together because he said he could go with out it… he couldn’t. He constantly tried to pressure me into having sex with another man while he watched and also pee on him. I did not do it thank god. I did later find out he had been showing people naked pictures of me and trying to get his mates to try it on with me. I just thought he had bad friends, but no, it was all orchestrated. Including the time one of them “accidentally” came into our hotel room when we were having sex. His ex before me reached out to me as well and said he did the same, except she did it and was quite emotionally damaged by it. Maybe yours won’t, but these men with fetishes (if it is a true “fetish”) will need it sooner or later. On a less serious note, he was always trying to prove he liked “normal people” sex, which he was objectively terrible at.

I think if you have a fetish, you need to mention it early on. Not first date territory “hello, how was your journey? Anyway I like to be tied up and have a carrot shoved up my ass”. But you should be honest early on, otherwise it’s a relationship built on a false premise.

Leave now, and find someone you’re sexually compatible with.

They absolutely are, that's how free speech works. I was just surprised pp felt so strongly about it.

Exactly.

You can't put a timeline on when you feel comfortable enough in a relationship to reveal something you fear you might be judged for. I certainly wasn't ready after a year to reveal my deepest sexual fantasies to DP.

It's a bit like blaming a lesbian or gay teenager for keeping their sexuality a secret from everyone they know before coming out. That's not something other people get to judge them on.

At the very least you need to be assured that even if your partner doesn't share your fantasies, they'll react with compassion and no judgment. It's actually clear that a year for this guy was way too soon to reveal them to the OP.

We should certainly normalise kinks that are harmless between two people enjoy them, yes. Nobody should be doing anything they don’t want to do, whether that’s using a toy on a man’s backside, or having sex in the missionary position. But equally nobody should be making other adults feel like shit for something they enjoy. Why would you want someone to feel miserable because they happen to enjoy something in the privacy of their bedroom with a consenting partner? Why?

Do tell us the exact timeframe it becomes Not OK then? I wasn't aware that relationships had a "now you must reveal your entire unvarnished self to your partner" deadline.