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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

182 replies

ThatsLife2 · 06/04/2025 11:09

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

OP posts:
JHound · 06/04/2025 18:14

gannett · 06/04/2025 17:33

It's very weird to assume deception and pretexts on his part.

There are certain things I like to do which require a really deep level of trust and comfort in my partner, and I wasn't even aware of some of them before I was with DP for long enough to get to that point. I wasn't having sex under pretexts before that! It's totally natural for your sex life and desires to evolve both as you get older and with your long-term partner. Sometimes they diverge and you can work around it, sometimes they diverge and you can't. But I hope no one feels tied to keep having the exact same sex they had when they first met their partner ad infinitum.

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“Things you like to do” are not “dealbreakers that you have”.

People keep ignoring that he said this is not something he can live without. So if something is that fundamental to your relationship, no matter what it is, then sharing early makes sense.

JHound · 06/04/2025 18:18

gannett · 06/04/2025 18:05

Unfortunately humans tend not to be blessed with total self-knowledge. Every day on here we see threads from women who have only realised something is a dealbreaker after 2 decades.

And surely you see that certain sexual fantasies require more trust than others to discuss given the stigma attached to them.

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Please read OPs posts. He was fully aware that this is something he wants in his relationship and is not something he can live without out. He has explored this previously. He held onto this for a year. Despite knowing the future of the relationship hinged on it.

StrawberryDream24 · 06/04/2025 18:28

some people take years and both of those are perfectly OK

No, it's not.

StrawberryDream24 · 06/04/2025 18:31

An ideal timeframe for something that he views as a dealbreaker is far less time than a year.
He explicitly said “he is not sure he could live without it” so why waste so much of everybody’s time when both could have been free to find other people.

Exactly.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/04/2025 18:53

Definitely end a relationship over sexual incompatibility. No question.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/04/2025 19:02

The Ops pissed off because she feels he's wasted her time, that's how she feels and that's allowed. He didn't want to tell her too early incase she rejected him and that's allowed as well. The only thing I take issue with is him saying he couldn't cope without and then changing his mind when she still said No, that smacks of him trying to force her and that is not allowed

proximalhumerous · 06/04/2025 19:50

gannett · 06/04/2025 16:03

This isn't that unusual or shocking a fetish especially given the biology of where the male prostrate is. But if the OP isn't into it then it's obviously entirely up to her whether she continues the relationship or not.

She doesn't get to be angry at him waiting a year to bring it up though. It's hardly first-date material. It's not really a preference that straight men parade around because the submissive aspect (and gay connotations) aren't deemed masculine. It takes time to trust a new partner enough to bring up some fantasies - one of mine I only told DP after four years (and some more of mine will only ever be in my own head). A year is fair, I'm not really sure what OP's ideal timeframe would have been.

Who made you the arbiter of whether she's allowed to be angry? It may not be a first date conversation, but a year is quite a long time when you're attempting to form something lasting. I'd certainly have been very disappointed in that situation.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/04/2025 19:58

IMO, it's 2025... have the convo early. First date put it on the table. "I'm into s&m". Put it in your OLD profile. Nowadays, OLD and first dates are a lot more like job interviews. People aren't put off by upfront talk.

CaptainFuture · 06/04/2025 20:24

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 06/04/2025 16:37

Why should he divulge his fantasies before he's ready though?

Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual on anyone else's timescale imo.

Op was clearly enjoying dating him so it's not like a total waste of time, she had fun, then found out they weren't compatible long term. It happens.

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Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual on anyone else's timescale imo.
Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual ever.
No matter the manipulative use of 'I'm so vulnerable now I've told you.... wahhhh" of the actual person, or the 'ohmygaahhhd how judgemental and mean are you to the poor wee lamb of a man' guilt trips from the handmaidens!!!

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 06/04/2025 20:28

CaptainFuture · 06/04/2025 20:24

Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual on anyone else's timescale imo.
Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual ever.
No matter the manipulative use of 'I'm so vulnerable now I've told you.... wahhhh" of the actual person, or the 'ohmygaahhhd how judgemental and mean are you to the poor wee lamb of a man' guilt trips from the handmaidens!!!

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Best tell that to the people who have been very vocal that this man should have told op on a timescale that they have decided rather than his at a timing of his own comfort then.

I have also never said op was judgemental.

He decided when he was comfortable enough to tell op, op decided to dump him.

Both are in the right.

CaptainFuture · 06/04/2025 20:37

@PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt why do you feel you were being referenced as judgemental?!

Loseitrr · 06/04/2025 22:10

JHound · 06/04/2025 18:06

A date told me that he was ethnically non-monogamous on our first date (he had a girlfriend who also had another boyfriend).

I also thanked him for telling me early as there was no need to waste each others time. And even the man I referenced before - who told me his sexual dealbreakers on the first date…while I was massively taken aback, I did not shame him for it (externally, internally I did because I thought it suggested a serious problem with women) I thanked him for sharing and declined to see him again.

I don’t think they wait to share because they are worried about being shamed. They just want yo wait for a point until the woman is so invested she is willing to do it to keep the relationship.

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Yeah I very much respected the fact of someone was being upfront about their dealbreaker even if I was a bit taken aback. I think many men would have no problem finding a woman who share their fetish if they adopted the approach of being honest straight off the bat to eliminate the sexually incompatible ones early.

I don’t think they wait to share because they are worried about being shamed. They just want yo wait for a point until the woman is so invested she is willing to do it to keep the relationship.

I agree, it’s less about fear of being shamed and more hoping the woman is so hooked by the time he shares it that she’ll go along with it to please him.

That strategy clearly backfired in this instance. Hopefully he’s learned his lesson and doesn’t waste his own and anyone else’s time for a full year again before sharing what is clearly a dealbreaker.

RobynRB · 06/04/2025 23:48

"I don’t think they wait to share because they are worried about being shamed. They just want yo wait for a point until the woman is so invested she is willing to do it to keep the relationship."

Maybe this is an age thing? I wouldn't be surprised if younger people are more open about their 'kinks' off the bat, but my generation (55) I feel like would definitely not feel comfortable opening up about wanting to be pegged early in a relationship. I can see why it is wasting time for both parties, but at the same time it's a matter of feeling comfortable with the person and feeling like you can trust them not to go round telling everyone they know that you split up because you're a massive pervert.

MissDoubleU · 07/04/2025 11:23

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 06/04/2025 20:28

Best tell that to the people who have been very vocal that this man should have told op on a timescale that they have decided rather than his at a timing of his own comfort then.

I have also never said op was judgemental.

He decided when he was comfortable enough to tell op, op decided to dump him.

Both are in the right.

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This is exactly my point too. PP leaping to say OP should not be guilted into having sex she doesn’t want are missing the point. We aren’t saying her DP was vulnerable and therefore she should oblige. He has shared, she is not into it. They have both come to the conclusion they are sexually incompatible. That’s fine.

If OP feels her time was wasted, that’s fair too but it doesn’t mean that was this man’s intention, or that he was deliberately concealing. Perhaps in future relationships as OP knows now this is a dealbreaker she should prompt early discussion of sexual compatibility. Outlining early that pegging is a big no for her and giving anal pleasure will never be on the table.

WinterBones · 07/04/2025 11:31

as someone who is into kink. YANBU.

It HAS to be mutual, safe, and comfortable for both of you, and trying to persuade someone who has clearly stated it isn't their thing, isn't ok.

It is absolutely fine to break off a relationship because you've discovered an incompatibility, never mind because of him trying to push you into trying it when you said no.

Should kink be more normalised? Probably a bit, at least to stop the shrieking about it when the subject comes up, but it doesn't follow that anyone should be pushed/talked into doing anything sexually they're not 100% enthusiastically up for... that isn't what consent is, and kink has to be about consent first.

OreganoFlow · 07/04/2025 11:46

He has shared, she is not into it. They have both come to the conclusion they are sexually incompatible. That’s fine.

No, that's not what happened. He shared, she wasn't into it, he said that was fine. He later said he didn't think he could continue the relationship if she wouldn't do it. She said OK, the relationship is over then. He said oh I didn't mean it, I want to continue the relationship.

He's messing her around. He tried to manipulate her, she called his bluff and now he's trying to backtrack.

Guaranteed if she'd stayed with him she wouldn't have heard the last of it.

Soone · 07/04/2025 11:46

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 06/04/2025 11:13

I don't think you're right to be pissed off with him.

This is what dating is for, getting to know each other and getting comfortable enough to share things.

You are right to end things though as you've found out you aren't sexually compatible.

I think it depends on the OP age. I’ve had my share of relationships that didn’t work out. I am now 39 and want kids. A boyfriend waiting a year to reveal something they know could well be a dealbreaker is wasting time I no longer have.

If they are early 20s time may be less a factor. But for some women wasting a year is a big deal

RobynRB · 07/04/2025 15:33

After a day of reflection, I would like to thank the people in this thread for making me realise just how utterly amazing my partner is for accepting me and my 'perversions'. I realize now that perhaps I have taken my situation for granted in that not only do they not judge me for my weird 'fetishes' but actively engage. In future I am going to make every effort to let them know how much I appreciate their kindness and understanding, because God knows I wouldn't want to be single again and having to explain all this shit to someone within a month in case I'm labelled a timewaster...

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:51

He definitely could have given a bit of a heads up in conversation in the first month that he had some fetishes and how would she feel.
Perfectly reasonable to say.
12 months is a major waste of her time.

proximalhumerous · 07/04/2025 17:00

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:51

He definitely could have given a bit of a heads up in conversation in the first month that he had some fetishes and how would she feel.
Perfectly reasonable to say.
12 months is a major waste of her time.

Yes, you can say in a general way that you are a bit kinky without having to go into detail.

scorpiogirly · 07/04/2025 17:07

You've done the right thing. There was potential with a man years ago, all good on paper until he told me that he liked to wear nappies on occasion and be looked after and 'cleaned up'. It was a hard no from me. He's been with his current gf for years now and seems happy. But I often wonder if this is part of their life.

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 17:33

@RobynRB would you have negatively judged your partner and left if they hadn't agreed to participate in your fetishes?

Lost20211 · 07/04/2025 17:39

Agree it’s ok to be annoyed. He had plenty of time in the past year to tell you this.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 18:16

ItGhoul · 06/04/2025 13:35

YANBU to have ended the relationship. But the fact that you did feel the need to end the relationship maybe gives some insight into why he kept it quiet for a year.

I suspect he felt guilty and embarrassed and didn’t feel comfortable raising it before. People can often only accept sexual interests like that from a partner once they’ve built up trust and have an established relationship - things that they wouldn’t necessarily contemplate in a new relationship. Or he may have thought he could have a fulfilling sex life without it, and only after a year he realised he couldn’t. So I don’t think he’s guilty of wasting your time.

It’s totally reasonable for you to end things and it’s totally reasonable for him to be devastated. It’s a shame, but I don’t think anyone’s done anything wrong here.

How about the point where he told her she needed to get on board with it because he couldn't live without it, then when she says okay bye-bye, suddenly he's devastated and can live without it??

Do you really need the manipulation spelt out to you any more clearly?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 18:18

MasterBeth · 06/04/2025 17:52

How was he bribing her? He asked if she would reconsider. She said no.

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Because when he thought he had her trapped in the relationship, after a year and talking about the future, he told her about the fetish and said he didn't think he could live much longer without it...

Then, as soon as she says, okay bye... suddenly he's devastated even suddenly he's telling her he can live without it.

Seriously, I don't understand why people can't see the manipulation here!

Personally, I wouldn't call it bribing.