Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

[ThatsLife2]

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

Im.sute you're intelligent enough to work out a reasonable timeframe.

A year in is not it.

Dating is the first few months before you become serious/exclusive.

They had been together for a year and talked about their future.

He could have been upfront 6 months ago rather than making future plans.

You've done the right thing OP

I've already said that I don't believe there's a reasonable timeframe. Divulging your sexual fantasies is a deeply personal thing and you'd be rightly horrified if a woman said her male partner was pressuring her to do so before she was ready.

Some people are ready on the first date and some people take years and both of those are perfectly OK.

In your opinion, not mine.

At what point in a relationship do you have to share everything about yourself? 3 months? 6?

Op has done the right thing ending it, but that doesn't mean he did the wrong thing by waiting until he was comfortable enough to share his fantasy/kink/preference/whatever you want to call it.

Unless you're 38 and desperate for a baby, I think its fine that he chose to tell you at a point he felt comfortable.

Presumably he's been having sex with her for a year under the pretext that he is happy with the arrangement, when he's not. How long exactly IS too long, for you? Should OP have still sucked it up if he'd wasted 5 years of her life? 10?!

I don't know how old OP is, but if eg she's in her 30's and wants to start a family, her time IS important and has absolutely been wasted on a man who painted himself as happy and committed but in fact had caveats that their future was hung upon, of which she knew nothing.

That's hardly a great situation for OP.

You're not being unreasonable to end things but I think it's not fair to say he's wasted a year of your life. I'm sure you've had some good times together and perhaps he thought he'd be able to suppress his fetish or was waiting for the right time to bring the subject up. Be glad of the good times and be gracious in saying goodbye.

You can be happy having sex with someone but decide you want to spice things up, try new things, or do something you enjoy once you're comfortable with that person. A year in seems reasonable to me.

She may well have been into it, he didn't know, he shared his fantasy when he was comfortable, op isn't into it, so she dumped him.

Trying to make him into the bad guy, when there is no bad guy here, is ridiculous.

Nobody is suggesting anyone should be ‘expected’ to do anything. But loads of people are saying it’s weird that a man would get pleasure from having something up his arse. And it’s not weird. No, you don’t have to do this for him. As with anything, you can say no. Just like you can say no to oral sex or talking dirty or any position you don’t enjoy. It is simply a sex act that some people like, that’s all. Plenty of men use anal toys on themselves.

I don’t really understand the argument that ‘Some men don’t care about pleasuring women, therefore we shouldn’t care about the pleasure of any men at all.’ I’m sure some women don’t care about pleasuring men either, but we wouldn’t think it was reasonable for a man to say ‘I’m not going down on you because none of my exes gave me blow jobs’ or ‘My ex didn’t like trying different positions, so I don’t see why I should let you go on top tonight’.

I don’t really see what’s controversial about the notion that if someone likes something in bed, it’s fine for them to ask their partner for it, and for their partner to decide whether they want to do it or not.

Of course women and girls need to know it’s OK to say no. Nobody is arguing otherwise.

The OP did say no, which she had every right to do.

Her partner wasn’t asking her for anything harmful to her. It was simply something she didn’t like.

A man having a submissive kink doesn’t mean he is ‘porn-addled’. Some men have always liked being dominated by women, long before porn. The OP obviously isn’t sexually compatible with a man who likes that, and that’s perfectly fine - but that’s all there is to this. It isn’t porn that’s ended the relationship. It’s just their incompatibility. I’m sure he’ll find someone who’s into the same things as him, because I can assure you that plenty of women are - he was just not the right sexual partner for the OP.

It's very weird to assume deception and pretexts on his part.

There are certain things I like to do which require a really deep level of trust and comfort in my partner, and I wasn't even aware of some of them before I was with DP for long enough to get to that point. I wasn't having sex under pretexts before that! It's totally natural for your sex life and desires to evolve both as you get older and with your long-term partner. Sometimes they diverge and you can work around it, sometimes they diverge and you can't. But I hope no one feels tied to keep having the exact same sex they had when they first met their partner ad infinitum.

i think he has been selfish

once you start to talk about a future you need to be open about what you want in the relationship not hope someone will go along with it because they are in love and plans have been made

he has tried to manipulate you into trying something you do not want to try and no accepted your boundaries

you did the right thing op

I think of the thing you want to bring up is a deal breaker for you then wasting somebody’s time for a year is unfair.

Not only did he waste her time but he wasted his own time too.

Yeah, right!

He's been perfectly happy with their sex life for 12 months, he's just magically now decided it's essential she straps on and rides him into the sunset!

Pull the other one 🙄

How was he bribing her? He asked if she would reconsider. She said no.

How is this comparable? This was hit him trying something new. This was him raising which he sees as a dealbreaker. If I had a dealbreaker I would not sit on it for a year before sharing it.

He absolutely was hoping she would be too invested in the relationship and so resign herself to do it.

An ideal timeframe for something that he views as a dealbreaker is far less time than a year.

He explicitly said “he is not sure he could live without it” so why waste so much of everybody’s time when both could have been free to find other people.

Wearing a pretend penis and fucking my partner up the arse doesn’t appeal to me - no matter how much I cherished him.

Thanks for the replies everyone, a couple of questions I’ve seen:

-I am early 30’s and do hope to have kids.

-I obviously didn’t expect to hear about this on the first date but after a few months surely would have been more reasonable

-This fetish wasn’t something he suddenly discovered an urge for but he said he had explored it in the past including with a ‘Dominatrix’ when he was a few years younger. He said he hadn’t repeated that experience but it played on my mind that he could in the future.

Is that really a fetish?

You did the right thing op.

I think if we are being sexually intimate with each other then we have reached a level of intimacy and vulnerability where dealbreakers can be shared. Preferably as early as possible.

If his dealbreaker was that he never wants children I think people would accept it’s too long to waste a woman’s time for a year. I don’t see why this is different.

Unfortunately humans tend not to be blessed with total self-knowledge. Every day on here we see threads from women who have only realised something is a dealbreaker after 2 decades.

And surely you see that certain sexual fantasies require more trust than others to discuss given the stigma attached to them.

A date told me that he was ethnically non-monogamous on our first date (he had a girlfriend who also had another boyfriend).

I also thanked him for telling me early as there was no need to waste each others time. And even the man I referenced before - who told me his sexual dealbreakers on the first date…while I was massively taken aback, I did not shame him for it (externally, internally I did because I thought it suggested a serious problem with women) I thanked him for sharing and declined to see him again.

I don’t think they wait to share because they are worried about being shamed. They just want yo wait for a point until the woman is so invested she is willing to do it to keep the relationship.

I don't see that anyone has done anything wrong here.

Why waste your time like this though?