Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

[ThatsLife2]

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

He probably didn't bring it up for fear of your reaction but you are right to end the relationship now and explain to him why.
That you aren't sexually compatible and that he eventually will seek it out elsewhere and you aren't prepared to waste your life with someone who will cheat down the line. He needs to find someone else to indulge this with. It's best for both of you and he needs to realise that. Also perhaps remind him that what he has learned on the Internet about sex probably doesn't reflect real life.

Not unreasonable to wait for a year and not unreasonable to end it if you don’t want to be part of it. Neither of you have done anything wrong so not sure what you have to be pissed off about really. Maybe he felt shame, so didn’t tell you on the first date. Maybe he only started thinking about it recently. Who knows? Either way, you’re both free to find partners who accept you as you are.

I do think you might find quite a lot of men out there who enjoy sex toys though, both to use and have used on them. Just be aware that if you are a tech-free zone YOU should probably mention it early on too. You wouldn’t want to waste anyone’s time now, would you?! 😉

So what?

Genuinely curious as to why he is vulnerable because he wants to be dominated and pegged?
YANBU @ThatsLife2 and I hadn't thought anyone would be judgy of you for being so, till saw the few sparky posts!

You've done the right thing.

He kept this information from you for a year.
He asks you to participate, initially accepts your response but later tells you it's a deal breaker.
He's now claiming to be devastated because you decided you wouldn't be compatible long term and he can live without his fetish after all.

It's not really the fetish that's the problem here but his manipulative behaviour. He waits to tell you until he thinks you are sufficiently emotionally invested, tells you it's a deal breaker in the hope you'll do what he wants just to keep him and then tells you it isn't when he realises you are prepared to walk away.

He would never have given up trying to pressure you to indulge his fetish. He would have just kept trying different ways to manipulate you.

Well done OP for keeping your boundaries. So bored of these shitty men and their porn addled brains.

So what?

Of course you are not wrong. Dump the sick pervert and let him find a simpatico sick pervert.

@CaptainFuture You asked how it makes him vulnerable. Well, being dominated makes you vulnerable because you aren’t in control at all and there’s a deliberate and conscious power shift; of course, that’s his kink. He wants to feel like that. The pegging is something that makes him vulnerable as typically he will know that it is associated with suppressed homosexuality / femininity / behaving like a woman to receive penetration rather than to be the penetrator. The fact that straight men might enjoy this doesn’t remove the associations, so for him to say that he wants this makes him vulnerable to rejection by quite a lot of women. He’s right - I think the fact that the relationship is ending over this makes this clear. Many women do not want to peg submissive men and many find this offputting. Others will be interested in trying it or even actively aroused by it. It’s them he should pair up with, rather than trying to see if he can persuade OP.

I don't see any bribery or bullying here.

There's no need of any kind for anybody to try to turn this into a kink fetish thread, and anyone who tries to do comes off as deeply creepy, and probably a fetishist man.

If you want to discuss male fetishes start a thread on that. The OP mentioned it only because some of you prurient types would have demanded to know what sort of fetish he wanted her to indulge, and you would not have stopped asking.

She's made it clear she's not interested. She has not asked for a lecture on any of it. If she needed information on it, she need only Google it.

Ultimately, most of us just don't fucking care why some men want to force women to indulge in kinks they are not interested in, and most of us are not even remotely interested in their reasons for wanting to indulge in fetishistic kinks, however mild or extreme.

And anyway, Literally EVERYONE knows why men like having things shoved up their arse - I mean EVERYONE knows this. Nobody is fooled by the pretence at discussion.

It's not shocking, it's just super boring and the usual handmaiden shite.

Don't think you're being remotely subtle. You're not.

Hello, AO3 fan! Fascinating to me... Human sexuality is endlessly interesting.

Maybe OP will give you his number.

But you are being totally inappropriate and it doesn't take a genius to work out why.

You have done the right thing. It is not for you, he does not seem to be able to do without his strange fetish, you are incompatible.

I can understand how ending a relationship that looked to have a long term future can be painful though.

I’m amazed it took him a year to bring it up! You’re within your rights to not do anything you don’t want to sexually, I can’t believe he would omit something so significant to him that he would end the relationship over it for a year. Ah well. Maybe ask questions about any sexual fetishes earlier on the future!

I think these behaviours would go past 'fetish'

Creepy, coercive fucker.

Er,,, Would it help if I said I did go to a girl's school. As a girl. And didn't learn that the prostate was an erogenous zone? Seriously... Hands up, Mumsnetters.

Also, would you like a (redacted) post of my most recent cervical smear results? I'm 66 so they're not ideal.

So what?

'Sick pervert'? Are you serious?

She's allowed to think he's a sick pervert. You're allowed to think he's not.

I think he's self obsessed, boring and coercive.

All these opinions are equal. It's subjective.

Who the hell are “rapey people”? Anyone who partakes in a fetish?

He's a cheeky bastard for both withholding this information for a year and and for applying immediate pressure for you to indulge his fetish. Well done for taking decisive action.

Why are you pretending not to have understood what I wrote?

YANBU to have ended the relationship. But the fact that you did feel the need to end the relationship maybe gives some insight into why he kept it quiet for a year.

I suspect he felt guilty and embarrassed and didn’t feel comfortable raising it before. People can often only accept sexual interests like that from a partner once they’ve built up trust and have an established relationship - things that they wouldn’t necessarily contemplate in a new relationship. Or he may have thought he could have a fulfilling sex life without it, and only after a year he realised he couldn’t. So I don’t think he’s guilty of wasting your time.

It’s totally reasonable for you to end things and it’s totally reasonable for him to be devastated. It’s a shame, but I don’t think anyone’s done anything wrong here.