Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

[ThatsLife2]

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

I’m not.

Sorry that English is your second language then, or you have reading comprehension skills. What I said was perfectly clear.

The conversation is now over.

Neither applies to me. “Rapey people” is a ridiculous phrase for such a serious topic.

Who am I coercing? With evidence, please.

It's totally fine and probably better for you both. You aren't sexually compatible, which is fine although annoying that he didn't bring it up earlier.

It's a kink, though, not a fetish. A fetish is something you can't enjoy sex without.

People had fetishes long, long before porn became so easily available. People have been doing the sorts of things the OP’s ex likes for hundreds of years.

Did this really come from nowhere? Did he not test the water in more gentle ways, for example by asking you to pin him to the bed by holding his wrists when you kiss him?

If not, he’s a little unreasonable to not explore that side in more gentle ways sooner.

If this is what he likes and you aren’t into it, it is probably best to split up.

Thanks for the 15 loves/likes and counting. Good to see common sense is still common.

Got things to do, gotta fly. Just so nobody thinks I don't have an answer for their obvious shit posting 😂

Creepy, disgusting manpandering morons and fetishist men should piss off, but of course you won't because you like being coercive, it's how you get your jollies.

Anyone here defending fetishist, coercive men, pretending they're just super interested in the wide world of fetishism when we can literally find out anything and everything we want to know with two clicks on Google - we see you. We look down on you. You are pathetic, like any other coercive creep.

Anyone pretending not to understand my post which is crystal clear, I see you. I know exactly what you're doing. You are fooling nobody.

You don't horrify, scare or shock me. You're just incredibly boring, obvious and pitiful.

And with that, I must go.

OP, well done for dumping him. You will find someone who doesn't try to make you do things that turn you off.

Fucking time waster. I'd be so pissed off at this manipulative behaviour. If he couldn't do without it, how has he managed this year? If he had a sexual fetish that was a big deal to him that should have been mentioned early doors. Now he's backpedalling.

There would be no judgement.from me (as long as between consenting adults). But I will be the one to decide if I want to agree to a known deal-breaker and I don't want to waste a year unsuspecting. It's common decency.

@ItGhoul you say that like it’s ok. Porn has made it worse. Choking, anal etc women and girls need to know it’s ok to say no and have boundaries

I'm not at all kinky, but I don't think wanting to use toys is particularly fetishistic. Depends on the toys, I guess. As for being dominated, again it depends on the extent of that.

Anyway, it is of course up to you what you're willing to do in the bedroom (or outside it) and I do agree that a year is a long time to keep something secret that could be a relationship deal-breaker.

Some of the reactions on here make it pretty clear why it might take a straight man a year to feel comfortable raising with his female partner that he is interested in this.

Having said that, of course YANBU to break up with him if it’s not something you want to do.

not sure you mean bribe. There was no bribe. He tried to persuade her but that’s not the same as bribing.

The problem with this sort of fetish (that he can't do without) is that it would creep into all aspects of your sex life. You would find yourself shoving things up his arse every night of the week and twice on Sundays with your own sexual needs a very poor second. There are a lot of men with fetishes and they are mostly shit in bed.

So fed up of men bringing their agendas to threads like this one.

You did the right thing to end the relationship OP, rather than go along with something you don’t want to but I can understand you feeling that he wasted your time. I think dealbreakers should be raised earlier than a year into a relationship.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was genuinely nervous to bring it up sooner, but unfortunately some men do wait longer to tell women things like this, as they think the woman won’t walk away from an established relationship and it can be a tactic they use to get what they want. You are better placed than any of us to know what sort of man he is and his reasons for waiting a year.

YANBU for ending a relationship for this or any other reason.

For me, I don't see men using sex toys as any different from women doing so. If it was finding out he was using toys solo on himself with these fantasies, I would lean towards being unreasonable in being furious on it just as I would if someone was pissed off at a woman using toys solo with the same; however, the issue is him pushing you to actively use them on him and to do so in this particular way. YANBU for being entirely uninterested and uncomfortable in being pushed to be part of that.

From what's written, it's not clear whether he's had this desire the entire relationship and I know I've been in relationships years before an interest comes up. That happens. The important part is accepting is the no. I get possibly wanting more than one conversation on it, but as he made an ultimatum on it, then he shouldn't be surprised it gets called and really, with a no, then the person who said no should be the one to decide if it should be brought back up again.

I think calling the guy a sick pervert or having a 'porn-addled brain' is ridiculous unless the person is willing to apply that to women with vibrators who fantasise about being dominated during sex. Similar with the names being thrown at that women who are okay with male partners using toys. I know MN is not a hivemind, but when we have threads on women with male partners who are against using sex toys during sex, the general opinion tends to be more than men need to accept they need assistance in the bedroom rather than the women must be watching porn or reading AO3 to get these ideas...

You've done the right thing. However, wasted an opportunity to pay him back for wasting your life for a year, by tying him up and telling him he has been a dirty naughty bastard whilst kicking him in the balls.

If you really cherished him, maybe should have given it a chance? At least he did open up

Thank you for clarifying! That’s exactly what I was wondering - where the boundaries lie between fantasy, kink & fetish.

Fetish makes me think of an obsession that takes over someone’s life.

You have no right to be “pissed off” with him.

All men have the fun button in their butt. It’s normal to want it pressed by their loving partner. Unsurprisingly most men have a “secret” desire to be pegged or to use toys and experiment in this way. The reason it’s secret is shame and reactions like this to a perfectly normal intrigue.

If it helps, here’s a catchy jingle

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHt29gByELc/?igsh=MWNrZWpyZ3hrOTRjNw==

I am a member of the kink community...

Kinks like this very rarely go away. They usually intensify with experience and age.

He may say he is willing to forget about it, but I have heard too many stories of people cheating or ending a relationship after years because they can't live without it. (A lot of people have secret online emotional affairs and fantasy lives too).

Having a kink is valid. But wasting people's time and not being upfront and honest isn't okay.

A lot of men wait until they think the woman is too deep into the relationship to leave before they reveal kinks. It is a form of coercion and it is gross.

I wonder if all the women stigmatising this realise that by doing so they are making it more likely men will stay quiet and they will get an unpleasant (for them) surprise late on into the relationship.

Remove the stigma = men are more honest sooner = neither of you gets your time wasted.

Ah yes, the women are responsible for the men hiding their kinks and so no wonder the men then suddenly announce their kink and try to coerce the unwilling partner to participate. Is it not the mums' faults as well? Obviously it's all on the wimmin.

The flip side to this though is that it’s absolutely okay to not want to share these vulnerable parts of yourself until you feel safe and you have trust with someone to be that vulnerable. For a lot of men this sort of thing comes with shame, particularly the worry that it will be exposed or talked about socially. Wanting to play out certain kinks and desires only in a loving, committed relationship with a completely trusted partner is also valid.

There are different levels to kink and this DP may not be a part of the community but rather just someone who has found they enjoy a particular thing and wants to explore it further with this partner.

There were absolutely parts of my sexuality I did not share with my DP until we reached certain levels of trust with each other, and he was just the same. Neither of us coerced each other into a loving relationship just to trap the other into fulfilling our kinks.

No. Fuck off with this shit. This is the kind of coercive "but if you loved me you would" crap that some men use to push sexual boundaries. She doesn't want to do it, so that means no. No doesn't mean "but give it a chance if you cherish him." It means NO.