Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

182 replies

ThatsLife2 · 06/04/2025 11:09

As per the title really. I’ve broken up with my Boyfriend - we’ve had a strong first year, couple of holidays, met each other’s friends and family and discussed plans for the future.

Last weekend, on a trip away he told me he had a secret fetish (wanting to be dominated/me use toys on him) and wanted to know if I would be willing to partake in it. I wasn’t really comfortable, I’m not judgemental and said I don’t think it’s something I’d be able to do. He seemed okay with this at the time but over recent days he has said it’s not really something he thinks he could go without longer term and asked whether I’d re-consider.

I am pissed off at him keeping this from me for a year and wasting a year of my life. I broke up with him yesterday and he says he is devastated and is willing to go without that fetish moving forward. I’m of the view those desires won’t go away so it’s better to end things now.

AIBU to have ended things?

OP posts:
proximalhumerous · 07/04/2025 18:34

scorpiogirly · 07/04/2025 17:07

You've done the right thing. There was potential with a man years ago, all good on paper until he told me that he liked to wear nappies on occasion and be looked after and 'cleaned up'. It was a hard no from me. He's been with his current gf for years now and seems happy. But I often wonder if this is part of their life.

Edited

JFC. You have to wonder what has happened to these people to make them turn out so (sorry) fucking weird.

I once dated a guy who wanted to be submissive and wear a cock cage, and he just used the "dynamic" as a way to be deeply controlling (and never stopped going on about his kinks). Turned out he was about as submissive as Pol Pot...

RobynRB · 07/04/2025 19:13

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 17:33

@RobynRB would you have negatively judged your partner and left if they hadn't agreed to participate in your fetishes?

No. But we had been together several years before I brought things up. And it wasn't that I 'hid' them earlier on, it was more that they developed over time. Obviously I don't know how I would have reacted but I am sure I wouldn't have left or threatened to leave to get my own way. I brought something else up much later, like 20 years down the line, and again this was something that I'd never really heard of when I was in my 20s or 30s. Thankfully my partner gave it a go, and it worked out well for both of us in the end... so again I know I am very lucky.

Soone · 07/04/2025 19:31

RobynRB · 07/04/2025 19:13

No. But we had been together several years before I brought things up. And it wasn't that I 'hid' them earlier on, it was more that they developed over time. Obviously I don't know how I would have reacted but I am sure I wouldn't have left or threatened to leave to get my own way. I brought something else up much later, like 20 years down the line, and again this was something that I'd never really heard of when I was in my 20s or 30s. Thankfully my partner gave it a go, and it worked out well for both of us in the end... so again I know I am very lucky.

Show quote history

So you didn’t go into the relationship hiding a big part of your sexual preferences from your partner? And you didn’t threaten to leave your partner if they weren’t up to exploring with you?

So really your situation isn’t at all comparable

RobynRB · 07/04/2025 22:05

I never said it was. My point is more generally that apparently a lot of people are very judgemental about these things where the media has kind of led me to believe that people are more open about things these days... and also that sex toys are only for men to use on women, apparently.

RobynRB · 08/04/2025 23:44

I wonder how many women 'suddenly' wanted to try BDSM in the wake of the 50 shades of Grey books...?

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/04/2025 00:17

MissDoubleU · 06/04/2025 14:10

You have no right to be “pissed off” with him.

All men have the fun button in their butt. It’s normal to want it pressed by their loving partner. Unsurprisingly most men have a “secret” desire to be pegged or to use toys and experiment in this way. The reason it’s secret is shame and reactions like this to a perfectly normal intrigue.

If it helps, here’s a catchy jingle

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHt29gByELc/?igsh=MWNrZWpyZ3hrOTRjNw==

Edited

That's odd because as a 40 odd year old who has been sexually active from 16 I've never had a partner been remotely interested in it.

So I did a straw poll in my social circle ranging from late twenties to late fifties, singles, lone parents, divorced etc...A couple have a high number of previous partners. Not one of them has ever been asked or had desire expressed.

So I call bullshit on your 'most' assertion.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/04/2025 10:12

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/04/2025 00:17

That's odd because as a 40 odd year old who has been sexually active from 16 I've never had a partner been remotely interested in it.

So I did a straw poll in my social circle ranging from late twenties to late fifties, singles, lone parents, divorced etc...A couple have a high number of previous partners. Not one of them has ever been asked or had desire expressed.

So I call bullshit on your 'most' assertion.

Show quote history

Absolutely.

My experiences are the same.

MN sex and kink threads attract an unrepresentative audience.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread