Am I greedy, or was my friend out of order?

[SummaLuvin]

Went out to dinner last night with a group friends (8 of us in total some single some with partners) all lovely, great to have a catch up. One of them, Milly, is a bit difficult at times, but she is part of the group and can be thoughtful and great fun. When it came to ordering puds some of the group got one, some didn’t, DH and I decided to get the sharing plate with 3 mini desserts. For clarity we always split the bill based on what we ordered. When our dessert was put down between DH and me with 2 spoons, Milly (who was sat next to us) said to the waitress “can we have another spoon please”. One for her to also tuck into our dessert. I was a bit shocked as this wasn’t discussed. Then cue Milly, who couldn’t reach the plate saying “oooh banoffee is my favourite dessert, I really love it…” I of course made sure I ate that up so she didn’t get a look in, but let her have some of the strawberry cheesecake which I wasn’t fussed on. I generally see myself as quite laid back but felt this behaviour was pretty outrageous and not on, but given she was so brash about it I wondered if maybe I was uptight and greedy?

She got to the dessert when I move the plate for her to have some of the strawberry cheesecake (that DH & I weren't fond of).

When did she ask for the extra spoon? Had desserts already been brought out and she heard you comment that you don't like cheesecake?

It seems to me from this update she asked for an extra spoon and you then offered her your dessert as you had to move it to her. In which case this is on you and your DH. Surely even she wouldn't have leant across and just waved the spoon towards the dessert to get at it.

I'd have said, in a light hearted way:

'Hey, no sharing here....this is mine and mine alone...order your own!' Big smile and hopefully end of.

I would let her cry. The only person she would be embarrassing is herself.

"If you like banoffee so much, call the waitress over and order one. I like banoffee too, which is why I don't want to give you mine."

If this was Take A Break we'd be in for the twist ending, where it turns out dessert isn't all Milly helps herself to. The title would be something like "Love Rat Hubby Bonked My Best Friend!"

On the next page would be a crochet pattern and a grim story about someone's "Evil Dad" sexually abusing them. The sort of thing TAB thinks is perfect reading fodder to enjoy with a cup of tea and a biscuit, for some reason 🤔

Yes it does

She asked for a spoon as the waitress was leaving immediately once the plates had been put down. Then started making comments about how tasty they looked, and multiple about how much she loves banoffee pie, and meaningful looks at me. She didn’t outright say “I expect you to share your pudding” but hinting was not at all subtle. She’s never been an upfront sort, at school she was the kind of person to be in a huff with you and “if you don’t know why then I’m not going to tell you”. I’m very used to how she communicates 😂 DH and I quietly agreed to let her finish the strawberry cheesecake to shut her up, it wasn’t horrid, but not the best - quite an artificial strawberry taste - I think she was a bit put out but could hardly complain that we had shared the wrong bit of our dessert with her.

I really didn't want to deal with her crying - which very likely would have happened if she was called out even in the nicest way

Yes, what is it with these 'tears' from the instigator? Always blameless. 🙄
I notice this pattern of behaviour all the time.

Sadly, a common go to behavioural response in my experience!🙄

Jeez, where are people's communication skills these days? Does no-one talk about what desserts they're ordering when the menu comes?

I don't understand how this would happen.

Usual scenario would be:

Various people talking to group:

"I'm not having a dessert, I don't think."

"Ooh, look what they've got. i'm going to have the cheesecake."

"I can't manage a whole portion though. DH, they do a sharing plate, shall we get that between us?"
DH: "Ok, yeah, good idea."

Quite clear to all.

In adults??? I mean, in what universe it it usual for a grown adult to cry when someone says ‘You’ll need to order your own desert, Brenda’?

What do you think would have happened if you had just completely ignored all her hints?

She is clueless when it comes to other peoples feelings

But sensitive around her own, I think you said - quelle surprise

A quiet "No, this one's for OH and me" would have done it (no need for nastinesss) but if you're not prepared to say anything you'll just have to accept this will continue

Just read the rest of your updates. The group sounds like they are still at school. She woould cry and others in the group would need to console her? 😆More fool them. It just needs others in the group to tell her to get a grip. The more people console her when she's manipulative the more people manipulative she will be. She'll always be the cause of problems in the group. Don't treat her like a child and maybe she will grow up...

Agreed. A sharing plate for a couple is one thing...but a friend randomly deciding to stick her spoon in there? Yeeeeeesh!

Yes. In this context, the friend was ignorant of etiquette.

And yeah, if she was banging on about how good something looked, the proper response is to say "Yeah, it's really good, why don't you order one? Grab the waitress next time she goes past."

What assertive adult gives in to another adult behaving like a kid? Come on, OP, get some backbone next time.

Yes in adults! Not necessarily about ordering desert but yes. - crying to manipulate a situation / play the victim / illicit sympathy / appear vulnerable in a situation / I could go on (but that would need a new post). 🙄

If this was Take A Break we'd be in for the twist ending, where it turns out dessert isn't all Milly helps herself to. The title would be something like "Love Rat Hubby Bonked My Best Friend!"

“So-called Friend Scoffed My Cheesecake - Then Snaffled My Man Too!”

Except that's how it's often used these days

I assume because 'ignorant of the correct etiquette' posssibly?

No way were you greedy. Your friend was very rude.

Did she offer to pay a third of the pudding in the bill?

In my part of Fife, "ignorant" has long been used as shorthand for "ignorant of etiquette" - very close in meaning to the Russian "nekulturnaya" - "uncultured".

She saw 3 desserts and thought there was a spare 1 going begging. Sorry Millie it doesn't work like that. You want banoffee you order your own.

Total CF behaviour, I think she was counting on it that you'd be too nonplussed to say no! (To those calling OP a wet lettuce, though, have you never been so taken aback by CF-ery that you've found yourself unwillingly allowing it?)

However, I think ending a friendship over this as a pp suggested would be batshit if the friendship is overall one that you want in your life. (Mumsnet can be so hard-line about friendships that it wouldn't surprise me if people started with the 'unfriend, block' routine over a bit of banoffee pie tbh!)

She sounds like she can be a pain at times and she definitely needed telling about the CF-ery in this instance, but I think long-standing friendships can be really complicated, a bit like sibling relationships, IME at least. There can be things about a person that drive you mad but you still want them in your life because overall there is enough in the way of positive interactions and shared history. And sometimes they've known you so long that they know your not-so-great traits too and still like you anyway.

That said, she was taking the piss on this occasion and you're definitely not greedy for not wanting your dessert snaffled and no offer to pay towards it!

just realised im a cheeky cow as the last time someone tried this with me i told waiter 'no way' and id use my fork to stab any hands that came near my plate!

ARainyNightInSoho · Today 08:46

Ignorant = does not know something eg. I am ignorant about economics
It does not mean rude.

It's used that way in the Northeast of England.