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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I greedy, or was my friend out of order?

218 replies

SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 08:36

Went out to dinner last night with a group friends (8 of us in total some single some with partners) all lovely, great to have a catch up. One of them, Milly, is a bit difficult at times, but she is part of the group and can be thoughtful and great fun. When it came to ordering puds some of the group got one, some didn’t, DH and I decided to get the sharing plate with 3 mini desserts. For clarity we always split the bill based on what we ordered. When our dessert was put down between DH and me with 2 spoons, Milly (who was sat next to us) said to the waitress “can we have another spoon please”. One for her to also tuck into our dessert. I was a bit shocked as this wasn’t discussed. Then cue Milly, who couldn’t reach the plate saying “oooh banoffee is my favourite dessert, I really love it…” I of course made sure I ate that up so she didn’t get a look in, but let her have some of the strawberry cheesecake which I wasn’t fussed on. I generally see myself as quite laid back but felt this behaviour was pretty outrageous and not on, but given she was so brash about it I wondered if maybe I was uptight and greedy?

OP posts:
ConnieSlow · 06/04/2025 10:00

Bit odd of her share with a couple.

CandyCane457 · 06/04/2025 10:04

Good for you eating up that banoffee! There are too many people on here who give in to CFs who r can’t say no to them, so love that from you!

godmum56 · 06/04/2025 10:06

SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 08:51

  • no she didn't pay, or suggest paying anything towards the dessert
  • I didn't say anything in the moment as I was so shocked, because it seemed so bold and she did it in a casual way I started to wonder if maybe I was being uptight. She can be sensitive too, and I didn't want to be abrupt and change the mood for everyone else given we don't see each other anywhere near enough!
  • regarding sharing food I don't always mind, like if I have some onion rings I'm more than happy to offer some around, but that's me offering, not someone presuming. But maybe that's why she thought it would be fine?
  • I mention her being difficult as I thought the context was relevant, perhaps it colours my view of the situation as I might be quicker to tire of her behaviour than my other friends.
  • She got to the dessert when I move the plate for her to have some of the strawberry cheesecake (that DH & I weren't fond of). The banoffee and chocolate mousse were out of her reach and we polished those off ourselves. But I believe she was angling for more to be shared than she got, especially with her making comments about how much she loves banoffee, unlucky for her it's my favourite too

I would bet that the "sensitivity" is not real

HelenWheels · 06/04/2025 10:06

squashyhat · 06/04/2025 09:52

Ignorant of what?

Show quote history

correct behaviour at the table

cestlaviecherie · 06/04/2025 10:14

She was cheeky but you were petty and passive-aggressive. You should have put your big pants on and told her straight to order her own dessert.

SwimBikeRunBake · 06/04/2025 10:18

Was your friend just confused about who you were sharing with? Was she sat next to you and your DP sat the other side? So as it was a trio of desserts did she think that the three of you would share and have one each?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/04/2025 10:18

Very cheeky. She is lucky she wasn't poked with a fork.

CiscoTS · 06/04/2025 10:19

Dawnchorussinging · 06/04/2025 08:42

I don't understand when she asked for the extra spoon why you just didn't make it clear the sharing plate was just for you and your DH.

This - it’s really not difficult. But then, I don’t share food, not even with my DH and have no issues refusing. I don’t know anyone who would just think they could take someone else’s food.

FuckityFux · 06/04/2025 10:21

@SummaLuvin You’ve been more than generous with her by the sounds of it.
Any adult woman who still uses crying to get attention to deflect from their poor behaviour would soon be given the heave ho. I can’t stand it when adults start behaving like toddlers and I tend to be very vocal about it.

Yoursselfmysselfandotherss · 06/04/2025 10:22

Some people are just very cheeky. It’s not you.

CiscoTS · 06/04/2025 10:22

HeddaGarbled · 06/04/2025 08:59

Unless the portions were teeny tiny, I’d have let her have a spoonful.

And I expect you’re someone who other people walk all over.

StMarie4me · 06/04/2025 10:24

“No Milly, this is for me and DH”

HellDorado · 06/04/2025 10:27

Loopytiles · 06/04/2025 08:38

Milly was rude.

No need for the background in your OP about her being difficult.

Of course there is! It establishes that this wasn’t some weird out of character moment.

Do you deliberately look for things to criticise in an OP?

CiscoTS · 06/04/2025 10:28

ladeedarrrry · 06/04/2025 09:55

@Bikergran fyi mumsnet is apparently going to start banning people who quote the op for absolutely no reason at all - just a heads up.

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Oh wouldn’t this just be glorious 😂

Sapienza · 06/04/2025 10:29

ARainyNightInSoho · 06/04/2025 08:46

Ignorant = does not know something eg. I am ignorant about economics

It does not mean rude.

Show quote history

Your post is both ignorant and rude.

ignorant

1. not having enough knowledge, understanding, or information about something…

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/ignorant

HellDorado · 06/04/2025 10:32

ARainyNightInSoho · 06/04/2025 08:46

Ignorant = does not know something eg. I am ignorant about economics

It does not mean rude.

Show quote history

Blimey, they’re all out on this thread…

Obvnotthegolden · 06/04/2025 10:36

When someone is so outrageously rude it's a shock and puts you in the position of doubting yourself, because who would be so rude?
So yeah, she was definitely rude but I doubt I would have said anything out of shock at her audacity.

HelenWheels · 06/04/2025 10:36

i know @HellDorado
CAN we get back to the point
milly was totally unaware, uneducated, lacking in social skills,
plain stupid, naïve,

CheekySnake · 06/04/2025 10:37

SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 08:51

  • no she didn't pay, or suggest paying anything towards the dessert
  • I didn't say anything in the moment as I was so shocked, because it seemed so bold and she did it in a casual way I started to wonder if maybe I was being uptight. She can be sensitive too, and I didn't want to be abrupt and change the mood for everyone else given we don't see each other anywhere near enough!
  • regarding sharing food I don't always mind, like if I have some onion rings I'm more than happy to offer some around, but that's me offering, not someone presuming. But maybe that's why she thought it would be fine?
  • I mention her being difficult as I thought the context was relevant, perhaps it colours my view of the situation as I might be quicker to tire of her behaviour than my other friends.
  • She got to the dessert when I move the plate for her to have some of the strawberry cheesecake (that DH & I weren't fond of). The banoffee and chocolate mousse were out of her reach and we polished those off ourselves. But I believe she was angling for more to be shared than she got, especially with her making comments about how much she loves banoffee, unlucky for her it's my favourite too

sensitive = everyone walks on eggshells around her so she doesn't have a tantrum and no-one challenges her when she behaves poorly.

Isn't that convenient.

She's not your friend.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 06/04/2025 10:41

“Tucking in”, “ate it up so she didn’t get a look in”, “ooooh I really love banoffee…”, “polished off”…

OP, you write like a Take-a-Break story.

ThejoyofNC · 06/04/2025 10:41

I would have simply said "what do you need a spoon for, you haven't ordered a dessert?"

Mothership4two · 06/04/2025 10:42

Incredibly rude. Pretty obvious a sharing' plate isn't a free for all. I'd be on your guard next time and say something to stop her (personally I'd be pretty blunt about it) as now she has got away with it there probably will be a next time

WeekendFreedom · 06/04/2025 10:43

ARainyNightInSoho · 06/04/2025 08:46

Ignorant = does not know something eg. I am ignorant about economics

It does not mean rude.

Show quote history

She was totally lacking awareness on the situation so she could be seen as ignorant

Watermill · 06/04/2025 10:46

Watermill doesn’t share food.

Therefore none of my friends would ever dare pull that kind of cheeky stunt.

Unless they wanted my fork stuck in the back of their hand.

Original poster
SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 10:48

ok, so I get the general consensus is that I should have been direct and made a unambiguous comment that the pudding was for just DH and I. Fair point. And that if she got upset that's on her. But I also think it's very easy to say after the fact and when it isn't you and your friends, I wonder how many people would genuinely do it in the moment. My thing is that it's all well and good calling her out, but everyone around the table is impacted by a negative vibe and doesn't seem fair.

There is also a few comments suggesting that as a sharing pudding she might have misunderstood and thought we would share with her too, I don't think this is the case as she wasn't involved in the discussion to order. But because I can be known to share - I'm not a 'Joey doesn't share food' sort - perhaps there was ambiguity there?

I have found the ignorant definition debate fairly entertaining.

OP posts: