Am I greedy, or was my friend out of order?

[SummaLuvin]

Went out to dinner last night with a group friends (8 of us in total some single some with partners) all lovely, great to have a catch up. One of them, Milly, is a bit difficult at times, but she is part of the group and can be thoughtful and great fun. When it came to ordering puds some of the group got one, some didn’t, DH and I decided to get the sharing plate with 3 mini desserts. For clarity we always split the bill based on what we ordered. When our dessert was put down between DH and me with 2 spoons, Milly (who was sat next to us) said to the waitress “can we have another spoon please”. One for her to also tuck into our dessert. I was a bit shocked as this wasn’t discussed. Then cue Milly, who couldn’t reach the plate saying “oooh banoffee is my favourite dessert, I really love it…” I of course made sure I ate that up so she didn’t get a look in, but let her have some of the strawberry cheesecake which I wasn’t fussed on. I generally see myself as quite laid back but felt this behaviour was pretty outrageous and not on, but given she was so brash about it I wondered if maybe I was uptight and greedy?

😂 I'm undecided if that is brilliant or the most offensive thing I've been told.

Why are you friends with her in the first place? I dropped a friend for comparable behaviour. I used to be a people pleaser and she was a bit of a controlling, domineering bully. When I grew a back bone and pushed back, she hated it as it was always her way or the highway.

Who cares if she gets upset? She doesn’t get to rule the roost and she doesn’t sound like a great friend anyway, I couldn’t be arsed with her treating me with such disregard. No one should have time for that shit in their lives. Cut off the friendship and it will feel like a weight has lifted!

Edit: you can set a boundary by being polite, it doesn’t have to mean ‘negative vibes’ around the table. People will respect you more for it!

What milly did was wrong and very annoying. I think you have the right attitude, don't let people rile you up more here. It sounds like she has some good points. People on here always want to go for the nuclear option. I can see why you said nothing in the moment and just gave her a little bit so the meal wouldn't end on a bad note. It's something that you can speak to her about in private. No one is perfect. We all have our foibles.

@SummaLuvin

ok, so I get the general consensus is that I should have been direct and made a unambiguous comment that the pudding was for just DH and I. Fair point.

Sometimes people can do things so gobsmacking that it completely takes you aback. I was once out for a group meal and it was particularly lovely and the staff were friendly and attentive. At the end people were putting down cash for a tip and generally being generous, DP put down a £20 last and one friend picked it up and pocketed it saying "oh that's far too much for a tip!". Everyone was shocked but no-one said anything. It happens. We then kicked ourselves all the way home. She was known for stinginess but usually not to that level. Funnily enough she was never invited along again with that group and certainly not with us.

I can’t imagine doing that, Milly must be incredibly oblivious and lacking self awareness. How embarrassing

It wasn’t a criticism. An observation. It’s colourful.

The inference is that they are ignorant of good manners.

At the point she asked then I would have said either ok lets split the bill of the desert between three then, or no we want this between us two.
But if she was one of my best friends I actually wouldn't have cared and split it with her anyway without saying anything.

Banoffee’s my favourite too.
I’d have said “oh and ours, we love it, have you ordered the same as us?”.

If it happens again, be prepared for her to muscle in with her spoon and prepare some sort of comment for next time “oh sorry Milly, me and DH have got the sharing platter to share with each other, do you need the waitress back to order yours?” etc.

Ignorant to other people's feelings when wanting to scarf their food?

Yes, this - especally post covid, and with the risk of flu, norovirus etc. I don’t share food that requires spoons/utensils to eat it with anyone outside my household. That’s just yuck!!

Ignorant is used colloquially in Ireland to mean rude, as in ignorant of manners.
You we're not being unreasonable not to share OP but I also would have said something when she mentioned she wanted a spoon to share your desert.

On another note, I can't believe someone would willingly share onion rings 🤣

Unless she offered to pay for her cheesecake, it's clearly her being a robber or a CF.

OP, next time say to her before you order, that she needs to order her own food.

And that if she got upset that's on her. But I also think it's very easy to say after the fact and when it isn't you and your friends, I wonder how many people would genuinely do it in the moment. My thing is that it's all well and good calling her out, but everyone around the table is impacted by a negative vibe and doesn't seem fair

This is a fair point and yes, noone likes to upset anyone. But crying to her friends and needing consolation that she couldnt share your banoffee pie when she could have just ordered one herself- I mean, really? who on earth would find that reasonable behaviour! If one of my friends did that I would think they were having some kind of break down because thats not normal adult behaviour and way beyond just being a bit "sensitive". Why is the onus always on you not to bring a negative vibe?- why isnt anyone calling her out for acting like a petulant child?

No one comes between me and my dessert 😁

You say Millie wasn't in the discussion to order desserts?

Did someone come to the table and ask everyone in turn if they wanted to order dessert and what everyone wanted? And at this point did Millie say she didn't want to order anything?

Or did people wander to the bar and order desserts individually or was the order placed on phones? Was Millie away from the table when any discussion was held about who was and wasn't ordering desserts? Were other groups of 2 or 3 also sharing desserts?

Ignorant is commonly used to mean rude where I am (Ireland).
It’s shorthand for ‘ignorant of the correct or polite way to behave’.
The dictionary definition of ignorant is a lack of knowledge or awareness. If someone isn’t aware how to behave properly then that appears rude.

sorry, wasn't clear, I meant she wasn't part of mine and DHs chat about should we get the sharing dessert or order our own. She was at the table when dessert menus were handed out and when the order was taken, she did not order anything or suggest she wanted a dessert. It was only when they were actually served she caught the waitress to ask for a spoon.

I bet she is totally one of those sorts who absolutely could not eat any more because she has already had an almond and 2 leaves of lettuce today, but happily tucks in to other people’s food.

My mum is like this, very weird about food, very eye rolly if a friend were to order a pudding and will make comments, but will shovel in anything they’ve left on their plate and a whole packet of biscuits when she gets home, but just cannot believe that Sally could possibly have ordered a pudding, no wonder she’s so fat. 🙄

Milly (who was sat next to us) said to the waitress “can we have another spoon please”. One for her to also tuck into our dessert

What the actual fuck! Cheeky fucker! You were too shocked at the time to say this, but that deserved a 'Errm...no. Not into ours you won't be!' response!

Keep a distance from people like this. It says a lot about them. They generally don't respect boundaries and usually manipulate or guilt trip people into getting what they want, even if it's unreasonable.

I would have said “It’s not too late to order your own. This is ours.”

You're the ignorant one. It has more than one meaning and also means rude.
Look it up in the dictionary.

Don't you realise that a word can have more than one meaning?

I'm guessing Milly is one of those silly vain women who never orders a dessert for herself, because she worries it would look greedy to eat the whole thing. But she does actually want dessert, and gets around this by letting herself have a 'cheeky taste' of someone else's. The cheeky taste then ends up being half the slice.

If you seem unhappy, she'll then make some comment about how big the portion is and how no-one could possibly eat all that, etc etc, subtly making sure that you will feel like a greedy porker and question yourself if you complain.

In this situation I would either laugh and say "Hands off!' or "Get your own!" in a joking (but not so joking) way, or feign confusion and call the waiter back. "My friend changed her mind - she'd love a banoffee pie, actually". And then dig into your own right there on the spot. "It's great, you should get one." If she tries to say she only wanted a bit of yours, laugh it off again and remind her you're already sharing with DH. If she still pushes, stick to the faux stupid act. "But this is our dessert. We're sharing it."

The key is to sound utterly baffled by her behaviour, until she clues into how awkward she's being and stops.