To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

@MsArgent you mention "generational thing"

the first person I met who took his wife's name is around 65. And he changed his name, no double barrel.

You’re a MIL. MILs and stepmothers never get a fair opinion on here OP. You’re wasting your time.

Less and less are now accepting it because as you pointed out, it's 2025. It isn't slightly different at all, it's just based on ingrained sexism.

It has nothing to do with the length of the names and everything to do with the fact that you think she just has to ''accept'' the fact that she has to give up her name. At least be honest about it.

I completely understand the comparison on how if I don’t think it’s right his name isn’t used, then why should the same feelings not be used for hers but there’s no denying the majority do accept their names get given up, every marriage on both sides has followed the traditional way, so I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS.

It's only 'slightly different' in that she's had the weight of thousands of years of patriarchy to throw off by deciding to keep her name.

But really, what it boils down to is this, either:

• They can take his surname and only his surname
• They can take her surname and only her surname
• They can double-barrel it

OR (!!)

They can decide on a completely different surname altogether and both change their names to it.

Those are the options. Not YOUR options, mind you. Theirs.

My sister & her first husband didn't like either of their surnames, so chose a longish double barrelled name they both liked.

I think just using his wife's name would hack the OP off more though 😂

Well, yes, your bad.

You're right that it's slightly different for her to give up her name than it would be for your son to give up his. He doesn't have the weight of centuries of patriarchy to contend with, after all. But I think that makes it much easier for him to give up his name. For her, it may well be a matter of principle.

Hopefully you realise now that people won't be judging him for this, so you don't have to be concerned about his well being by being 'modern' and not expecting his wife to give up her identity.

You sound like a very unpleasant person.

Leave them be. Once married they will experience how easy/difficult the name is in practice. If the double barrelled is the nightmare that you feel it is, they will realise and make a sensible choice on the surname of any future DC.

No she doesn't! That's way OTT!

Just because she doesn't like this name combo doesn't make her a bad person!!

While I agree that double-barreling does tend towards practicality issues, that doesn’t justify upset. They have found a solution that works for them as a couple.

The only reason to be upset would be if you had raised a man who would pressure his spouse to change her name to his if she was anything less than enthusiastic about the idea.

You have a son who is setting the right tone for an egalitarian partnership. You must have done something right.

until she spoke up about what she wanted

Or she just said what she wanted 🤷‍♀️
You make it sound like she had no right saying anything, speaking up like that, she doesn't know her place, who does she thinks she is??

Good on her.

Grandparents are horrified, really?.So much drama over someone else's name.

There we go, you've finally got to the truth... You do think it's fair for her to give up her name. You want her to take DS's name.

Presumably you took DS's father's name?

What this comes down to is she wants to do something that differs to what you did. And you're not going to have the same name as her child.

I think double barrelling is the easiest option, in a way. Both people keep their name (sort of) so professional qualifications, degrees etc, can be more easily linked. There's an equal amount of inconvenience.

But if the double barrelling really is awful...

Could both names blend into one name? Does that work?

And if not, brand new name? That way it's an absolute pain for both of them, so it feels equal and fair.

Whatever they do, they're going to make different choices to you. You made a decision when you got married. It was your decision. If they do something else, it doesn't make your decision wrong.

Times are different, and their values are different. Plus, they're not you.

My DS has a double barrelled name. It has never caused him any problems. Never.

YABU @MsArgent.

I suppose he could just take her name, that would keep things simpler.

It is not "just their generation"; how facile and dismissive. I came of age in the 70's and many women from my generation had no desire to take their husband's name!

Is he insisting you and the rest of the family change your name? If not then I'm not sure why you're even trying to involve yourself? It's not your last name. It's his and his future wife's. Sounds like they're fine with it. I'm glad she spoke up and I'm glad your son is pleased with it. Everyone who matters is content with the decision. Why are you and grandparents even trying to push your ways in?

I can’t see from anything you have written that this issue is impottant to your DS. You say he assumed, but they discussed it and agreed a compromise.
It seems to be important to your DH and the grandparents.
My DD is suffering this patriarchal rubbish not for marriage, but stage name. Her name including ExDH’s surname is taken on spotlight so she needs to use another name ExDH has had a little paddy about thus when there is literally nothing she can do.
Your DS and your future DIL seem to have a very healthy dynamic.

Ok, I’m interested here. On the flip side, is her losing her surname ‘fair’? Why do we automatically perpetuate patriarchal norms. Who is ‘everyone’ that will find it a pain? In your area, do people generally use Mr/Ms full surname? And why does a surname equate with giving up on everything he cares about? BTW, I am in my 60s, I can’t see the issue.

Listen don't let people get you down!! It's valid that you feel this way and don't let any of the naysayers upset you over it! There would be something wrong with you if you didn't have a view on it.

I just don't think it's a hill to die on. You want to be able to keep them close so roll your eyes, tut privately, and let them get on with it.

Most of all, please do not let the predictable pile-on upset you! x

I think women taking their husbands names is so outdated so I actually applaud them both.

OP, I've done a double barrelled name via marriage. I thought people would think it a bit wanky but they didn't.
Now considering changing my name back to maiden name and my DC wants to follow but I've suggested a double barrel for him.
It's not new.

If the genuine reason is the length of the name, I get it could be annoying for the person with the really long name but not for anyone else. I'd just be proud your son is open-minded enough to do something different to get around what is quite a sexist tradition.

There are a few people who get around the length by merging the 2 surnames into a single unique new surname. Williamson-Thompson could be Wompson.

I'm in my early 60s and I wish I had kept my name. I've been my married name for 35 more years now than I had my maiden name but it still doesn't feel like it's 'me'.

Fuck me, who wants to be called 'Wompson"? ROFL!