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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

743 replies

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 00:41

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

OP posts:
renoleno · 06/04/2025 00:55

The sensible option is for DS to take his wife's name or let his children have just her name since she'll be birthing them and your family isn't contributing anything to it but a chromosome. Even if they divorce she'll end up with the kids so your DS' surname adds zero value to any woman's life.

It's a good thing your son had broken free of the patriarchal bollocks on married names and can use his mind to make decisions.

Redglitter · 06/04/2025 00:55

Would you be less horrified, equally horrified or more horrified if they just used her surname and dropped his

ClairDeLaLune · 06/04/2025 00:55

Poonu · 06/04/2025 00:48

Butt out. Don't be that MIL.
Also this is Mumsnet. Pro women. You should be supporting this.

Yikes! Sorry Poonu, didn’t mean to virtually copy your post. Great minds!

HeddaGarbled · 06/04/2025 00:56

Your opinion is not required, nor your husband’s nor the grandparents’. Beaks out.

Butchyrestingface · 06/04/2025 00:56

Fine. So he can take HER surname.

Am sure the grandparents will 💓 that.

namechangeGOT · 06/04/2025 00:56

One thing that is longer than your sons new surname is the post you’ve written about something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

CJsGoldfish · 06/04/2025 00:57

He might not have thought of taking her surname considering he initially assumed she'd be changing to his. It's not a bad option though so I'd suggest that. They could even create a new surname for their new beginning 😊

AntiHop · 06/04/2025 00:58

You, and his grandparents need to get a grip.

Also 🍪

ClairDeLaLune · 06/04/2025 00:58

JustASongAtTwilight · 06/04/2025 00:53

Easy - he should just take her name. That would solve the syllable problem.

It wouldn’t solve the problem of the parents and grandparents not liking it and being “horrified” though. The 1950s are calling OP - they want their sexist attitudes back.

Anotherparkingthread · 06/04/2025 00:58

This has to be a wind up?

Horrified because a name to too long lol.

Culturally we have really short names, plenty of other countries cope where names are very very long and more commonly doubly barrelled or have several middle names etc.

I presume if he's old and well enough to decide to get married he can also spell it for anybody who asks.

Barney16 · 06/04/2025 00:59

I think people should be able to choose whatever surname they like. Both take hers or his or put them together or choose a surname of their own creation. Freeatlast for instance.

Original poster
MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:00

To be fair, I am not horrified, I think that’s just their generation. I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his. I am nice to her! I am not sure how it’s come to the conclusion I’m awful to her just because I think the surname will be a pain for everyone and living to regret something like that isn’t ideal. He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

OP posts:
MatLeave · 06/04/2025 01:00

Good on them. Both must be very proud of the surnames given at birth and the families they were born into. Don't worry about the length of the words as they obviously mean something to both your son an future DIL.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 06/04/2025 01:02

My ex-husband is currently refusing to let our children double-barrel their surname as they wish to incorporate my original family name. He is very uptight about his patriarchal heritage. They’re intending to get my name in there as soon as they’re able to legally. I wish I’d double-barrelled from the start.

I’m married now and have kept my name (Ms. Friend), he’s kept his (Mr. Awesome) and we’re both very happy with this.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2025 01:05

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:00

To be fair, I am not horrified, I think that’s just their generation. I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his. I am nice to her! I am not sure how it’s come to the conclusion I’m awful to her just because I think the surname will be a pain for everyone and living to regret something like that isn’t ideal. He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

So if you don't think it would be fair for your ds to lose his surname, why would you expect your future DIL to lose hers?

If him taking her name isn't an option and double barrelling it is too long, what's your suggestion? Do you want them to pick an entirely new name that they can share? Or are you just thinking that the future DIL should suck it up and take your DS's name instead?

PinkArt · 06/04/2025 01:05

What is he giving up that he cares about? An appreciation for short names?
He likes and wants to keep his name. She likes and wants to keep her name. Double barrelling is the obvious answer. It's fair, avoids patriarchal bullshit around ownership, keeps both families names going if they have kids.
Mainly though, it's not up for the vote. No-one else gets a choice in what these two adults call themselves, so smile and nod because it's nothing to do with you or the grandparents.

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/04/2025 01:06

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:00

To be fair, I am not horrified, I think that’s just their generation. I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his. I am nice to her! I am not sure how it’s come to the conclusion I’m awful to her just because I think the surname will be a pain for everyone and living to regret something like that isn’t ideal. He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

What do you think the alternative should be? If him just taking her surname isn't fair then her just taking his surname isn't fair either.

What is he giving up that he cares about?

HoppingPavlova · 06/04/2025 01:06

Zero idea why you have spent even a moment of mental energy on this🤷‍♀️. Not your issue in any way.

Butchyrestingface · 06/04/2025 01:07

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:00

To be fair, I am not horrified, I think that’s just their generation. I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his. I am nice to her! I am not sure how it’s come to the conclusion I’m awful to her just because I think the surname will be a pain for everyone and living to regret something like that isn’t ideal. He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

Why is he taking HER surname "not fair"? Women have been doing this for time immemorial and somehow they all survived.

As for "I don't think he should give up on everything he cares about" -

this is a surname we're not talking about and not a quadruple amputation, right?

It's as plain as day you want her to take HIS surname.

Lampzade · 06/04/2025 01:08

Yep, he should take her surname l

beachcitygirl · 06/04/2025 01:08

None of your business - she is right as is your son and you are wrong. Be grateful they are not just taking her name

Poppins2016 · 06/04/2025 01:08

I think you're overthinking it. I honestly can't understand why anyone would be horrified... it's just a name. It affects nobody except for your son and soon to be daughter in law.

I've never batted an eyebrow at these surnames (for example):

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Winnie Madikizela-Mandela

Original poster
MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:10

Because I like to think of my son and his life and future children he’s spoken about wanting? Is that really so mind boggling? I am just relaxing on a Saturday night and wanted to casually ask on a forum I like to scroll, where plenty of other not majorly serious threads are posted, especially on AIBU. It’s just out of interest. I completely understand the comparison on how if I don’t think it’s right his name isn’t used, then why should the same feelings not be used for hers but there’s no denying the majority do accept their names get given up, every marriage on both sides has followed the traditional way, so I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS. Obviously this wasn’t the most useful of threads, I didn’t expect everyone to feel so incredibly strongly about this from the opposite perspective. My bad

OP posts:
HellDorado · 06/04/2025 01:10

I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

Bloody hell, the drama! He’s not changing religion or emigrating or being shut up in a tower. He’s voluntarily adding a bit to his surname. Why are you so obsessed?

Beachcomber74 · 06/04/2025 01:12

The kids will become Rose BC, Alex AW
At school double barrel names just become initials.