To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

Double barrelled surnames are awful but it’s their choice what to use not yours.

You sound such a fool.

There’s nothing wrong with Greenwood-Williamson.

Lots of cultures have longer names…. Spanish people have two names, Nigerian names are often very long. People manage just fine. So you either live in a bubble and have never come across other people, or you’re manufacturing this issue to stir up conflict with DS and his wife. “Genuinely concerned” and think you know better 🙄

Butt out, or you won’t be around the grandchildren anyway.

It sounds quite clear to me that this isn't about the length of name, it's about your son changing his which you weren't expecting and don't approve of. It doesn't affect you in any way and he's a grown man, leave him be.

My MIL doesn't approve that I didn't change my name on marriage. Rather than just say it, I got questions like "what would your employer/professional regulator think?" or when I fell pregnant, one of the first comments rather than congratulations was "do you have a name, nothing goes with DHSurname". His name is something as common as Jones or Black so complete nonsense, fake concern - which is what this sounds like. Ultimately, we could see through the apparent concern and it just comes across as overbearing, judgemental and disrespectful. If your son is happy with the length of the name then that's all that matters. It doesn't affect you at all, unless it really is about appearances and public opinion?

Of course it’s fine for you to have an opinion, you cannot help that, but on this one I’d keep it to yourself as it isn’t really anything to do with you just because you’re his mother. He is your son not your property. I’m also pretty sure they’ve thought through the pros and cons already.

This

OP, kindly, as your son moves into married life, this is a good moment to take a step backwards and become slightly less involved in the day to day details of his life. This would be an excellent place to start.

I'm sure you want to support the young couple in their new marriage. Instead of running round garnering opinions about something that has nothing to do with you, you could be smiling serenely at their "horrified" grandparents and reassuring them all is well before changing the subject. That would be supportive, rather than undermining.

As you all go forward, there will naturally be things they do that will be different to what you would have done. It's best to keep your advice to topics where they might be going to do something harmful to themselves or others.

This really isn't one of them.

What do you think is going to happen to their children if they have an unwieldy surname? Do you think it will be as bad as if they have sexist parents who prioritise patriarchal ideas? Or a grandmother who tries to subtly undermine their mother by questioning decisions intended to put her on an equal footing in her marriage?

If this is for real (and I find it difficult to believe that it is), keep your nose out of their lives. I can see that you are going to be one of THOSE MsIL. Really, nobody can be this lacking in awareness, surely?

I understand why your are a bit upset. You never anticipated that as your son he would be known by anything different to the name you gave him. If it is normal in your culture that the woman takes the man’s name when they get married then it will be a surprise.

It’s not worth falling out about though, deal
with your feelings over it, with some help but don’t put it on him. He had a think and made a decision that works best for him.

To make thing simple, why not just give future children, about whom some seem so concerned, the wife's name as their middle name. Then the children can choose.
So: Ptolemy Smith-Brown can be simply Mr P.S.Brown or Mr Ptolemy Brown (or Smith if he prefers...)

My double barrelled surname is 16 letters and 5 syllables. It’s no issue whatsoever. Our children have the same surname. Chill out.

Or he could just take her name then. My children are double barrelled and I have concerns over my children's names. I don't want them to just have their Fathers name and not mine, considering I am the primary carer. Why did your son originally assume she would just take his name? Because he has a penis? Great reason!

Double barrelling surnames is fine and much more common now.
DH already had a double barrelled name when I married him so we couldn't really make it triple barrelled. When I married double barreled surnames were a rarity and DH was bullied at school because of his but this would not be the case now.
I wonder what future generations will do?
A surname is part of your identity so it's understandable she wants to keep hers.
However double barrelled names can sometimes be a pita, too characters for a form or even a bank card, login on websites (enter surname and booking ref) not really recognising them, surname just a space surname, surname hypon surname or a space between the hypon, at one end or both? I used to often be told by a website I had an invalid surname although not recently thankfully.
However when a new IT system was bought in at work about 5 years ago I was asked to drop half my surname as they couldn't accommodate the number of characters!!
Picking up an order that is filled in alphabetical order, omg my chemist has issues with this, they virtually search the entire alphabet!
For speed, if I phone up and make a booking for example, I usually use just the last part of the surname.
Also my dyslexic DS would have been much happier with a shorter surname 😂

I wish this post was a wind up but I don't think it is. My partner is from a Spanish speaking country. Check out how they do surnames there. The idea that it's too long and will be a burden - wow. Practically the entire Spanish speaking world must struggle so much on a daily basis with their double barrelled surnames. God if only they had your wisdom - their whole lives would have been so.much easier.

But out!

What is it with all the controlling mothers on here today?

This, with bells on.

I don't understand what it is you think people will be thinking that is so awful?

'Thats a bit of a mouthful'

'Thats going to be tough to fit on this form'

Er, thats about it really. Not horrific and if its a pain in the bum to spell out each time, ah well, not your problem is it, you're not the one reciting it down the phone to folks.

I have a colleague who changed his surname to that of his wife's and I thought at the time, why not?

YABU.

OMG, you’ll be telling us next that when they have children she’ll expect him to take care of them equally. Will he have to hoover as well? The horror 😱 How will you answer his grandparents react to that?!?

This marriage is doomed I tell you, doomed.

Have concerns? Sometimes.

Voice silly objections about non issues that actually mask another agenda altogether? No.

Enjoy warm, pleasant relationships with adult children and their spuouses? Yes.

I have a relative who did this. Her last name is 8 letters long and so is his. Added to that the names don't even suit each other, one is Italian, one is Irish and they sound ridiculous put together. It has been a problem for them for 20 years now, she mentioned a couple of years ago at a family dinner what a pain in the arse it is trying to spell it, or put it into online forms, how pretty much everyone is confused by it at first. She laughingly said she wishes they had just picked one name and gone with it, or even made one up.

It's a minor irritation, but it adds up over the years.

But it's not the end of the world, and you will have the satisfaction of them being frustrated by it for years to come and knowing you were right.

I have to spell my first and last name. It's really not a burden. It becomes second nature. Why do you think it would be such an ordeal?
What is your solution? Is it that she just takes his name?

My suspicion is that you / your family always assumed your DS would continue the family name and pass to his children. And maybe you’re a little taken aback now that assumption is proving to be wrong.

I am firmly in the camp that they can chose whatever name they like. It’s nice they’ve double barrelled because they could’ve chosen just her surname, but clearly they want their name to reflect the union of both families.

I think the newness of this name will fade into normality once you get used to it.

When we got married the topic of taking their child’s surname came up with my in laws. I said I wouldn’t because I’m a published author and didn’t want to change what I’m know by, but in reality it is because his surname really sucks. Perhaps she told your son the same but he doesn’t want to offend you…