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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

743 replies

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 00:41

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

OP posts:
Efrogwraig · 07/04/2025 20:59

Why double barrel? Just keep own names.

LaDamaDeElche · 07/04/2025 20:59

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

Over something like this, no. It’s actually weirdly controlling. Also, saying he shouldn’t take his partners as it isn’t fair - why not? You know there are actually many countries where no one changes their name and the children take both parents names. We live in a modern world now where women are considered more than property passed between father and husband. It’s actually a really antiquated tradition that shouldn’t be seen as a given any more. If people want to, fine, if they prefer to do something more reflective of the times in which we live, then fine too.

LazyArsedMagician · 07/04/2025 21:07

Meh. I can't get aerated over this. But my kids have long double barrelled names.

Donnah85587 · 07/04/2025 21:16

Me and husband double barrelled our name after marage. Both 8 letters long 🤣 only problem is the box is never long enough on forms and even on direct debit mandates!

Icyboy · 07/04/2025 21:24

I can't imagine anything more simp worthy, a marriage for a male has very little to gain yet everything to lose, the least he should get is his name and only his name is taken.

MamaSharkDooDooDooDooDooDooo · 07/04/2025 21:30

Good for her. I regret taking my husband's name.

I've gotta say, your post sounds like a product of a patriarchal society, not out of concern of surname length...!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/04/2025 21:31

Icyboy · 07/04/2025 21:24

I can't imagine anything more simp worthy, a marriage for a male has very little to gain yet everything to lose, the least he should get is his name and only his name is taken.

If a man has that attitude, he shouldn't be getting married at all.

DoubleFunMum · 07/04/2025 21:33

I think he's unlikely to care what you, his father, definitely his grandparents, and probably anyone else thinks. Quite rightly.

cestlaviecherie · 07/04/2025 22:03

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

Well they can just change their names again, it's not like they've been indoctrinated by a religious cult, started using heroin, or decided to get tattoos of Andrew Tate on their foreheads.

cestlaviecherie · 07/04/2025 22:04

I don't know if it works with the names in question but a couple of our friends had a similar thing so took half of one surname and half of the other and made a new name out of them.

Bojoneedstogo · 07/04/2025 22:37

“I can't imagine anything more simp worthy, a marriage for a male has very little to gain yet everything to lose, the least he should get is his name and only his name is taken.‘

have I stumbled into the 60’s?! You’re an idiot.

I kept my own name when I got married. My name is my identity and I couldn’t give that up any more than I could give my child away. She has my surname as her second name. I have an unusual name that I always gave to spell- no biggie.

this is not about complicated spelling. It’s about traditional values & you not wanting your son to be different or appear less ‘manly’

Newusernameforthiss · 07/04/2025 22:40

Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe
Sebag-Montefiore
Oxlade-Chamberlain

I think you can have a ridonkulously long surname AND also be very successful 😂😂😂

Lyraloo · 07/04/2025 22:45

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:10

Because I like to think of my son and his life and future children he’s spoken about wanting? Is that really so mind boggling? I am just relaxing on a Saturday night and wanted to casually ask on a forum I like to scroll, where plenty of other not majorly serious threads are posted, especially on AIBU. It’s just out of interest. I completely understand the comparison on how if I don’t think it’s right his name isn’t used, then why should the same feelings not be used for hers but there’s no denying the majority do accept their names get given up, every marriage on both sides has followed the traditional way, so I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS. Obviously this wasn’t the most useful of threads, I didn’t expect everyone to feel so incredibly strongly about this from the opposite perspective. My bad

In this day and age it’s “not slightly different” for her to give up her name. He’s happy to double barrel and it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s clear that your a bit jealous of his girlfriend, the digs about he’d do anything for her, even if it made him unhappy and it’s not fair for him to give up his name! It’s as unfair for him as it would be for her. Just because you gave up your name and your presumably asking your friends, all similar age to you, to validate what you think, doesn’t mean you’re right. The future children will be theirs and it’s down to them what they are called.

TwinklySquid · 07/04/2025 23:13

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:10

Because I like to think of my son and his life and future children he’s spoken about wanting? Is that really so mind boggling? I am just relaxing on a Saturday night and wanted to casually ask on a forum I like to scroll, where plenty of other not majorly serious threads are posted, especially on AIBU. It’s just out of interest. I completely understand the comparison on how if I don’t think it’s right his name isn’t used, then why should the same feelings not be used for hers but there’s no denying the majority do accept their names get given up, every marriage on both sides has followed the traditional way, so I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS. Obviously this wasn’t the most useful of threads, I didn’t expect everyone to feel so incredibly strongly about this from the opposite perspective. My bad

You know traditions can be changed, right? Why should she give up her name?

Duringthe · 07/04/2025 23:26

I understand where you’re coming from OP.

DD is getting married soon and will change her name. She thinks it will be good for her, her STBDH and her (hoped for) children to have the same name. Her fiancé expressed no opinion beforehand and no one put her under pressure.

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 08/04/2025 00:00

Icyboy · 07/04/2025 21:24

I can't imagine anything more simp worthy, a marriage for a male has very little to gain yet everything to lose, the least he should get is his name and only his name is taken.

i think you’re in the wrong place you little Andrew Tate fanboy

2JFDIYOLO · 08/04/2025 00:18

Literally none of your or the grandparents' business.

What is it really?

Classist snobbery?

Racism?

Misogyny?

What are you all actually horrified about?

It isn't about spelling, is it.

2JFDIYOLO · 08/04/2025 00:24

He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

Oh there it is. It's her, isn't it. She's your problem.

And as for the 'will nobody think of the children' type nonsense ... 🤦‍♀️

Relax, it's going to look fab on a business card, a brass plate, or whatever we'll have in thirty odd years time!

TheSilentSister · 08/04/2025 01:13

I love the name I was born with. It represents me. My married name does not, it just means I 'belong' to someone.
When my DC leaves school I will be changing my name. DC has said he'd like to change too but I be that would cause fireworks!

KM123456 · 08/04/2025 04:51

I read somewhere that most computer forms have a maximum number of characters for a surname--16, I think. So they may want to verify the number, and then consider that. If part of your surname is usually cut off that might lead to inconvenience, and even problems. Or resentment on the part of the person whose name was always decimated. If they want to have a combined name (esp if it's for kids) maybe come up with a shorter double barrelled name for the kids and each keep their own name.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/04/2025 06:24

Icyboy · 07/04/2025 21:24

I can't imagine anything more simp worthy, a marriage for a male has very little to gain yet everything to lose, the least he should get is his name and only his name is taken.

Can't find a woman who appreciates what a nice guy you are, I take it?

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 08/04/2025 07:45

Duringthe · 07/04/2025 23:26

I understand where you’re coming from OP.

DD is getting married soon and will change her name. She thinks it will be good for her, her STBDH and her (hoped for) children to have the same name. Her fiancé expressed no opinion beforehand and no one put her under pressure.

Any reason it couldn’t have been her name they decided to share?

Jc2001 · 08/04/2025 07:51

TheYetty · 07/04/2025 19:02

I find these names ridiculous and I only use the last name.
But, I would keep out of this, if I were you.

That's a massively petty and small minded thing to do. Why would it even enter your mind not to use their full surname. Are you making your own little protest?

UrinalCake · 08/04/2025 07:57

TheYetty · 07/04/2025 19:02

I find these names ridiculous and I only use the last name.
But, I would keep out of this, if I were you.

Aw, is two words too hard for you? Must be very debilitating.

TheHierophant · 08/04/2025 08:12

None of your business frankly