To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

Of course it’s women! They mostly have their dad’s names. Some don’t but most do. All my friends who use their “maiden” names at work are using the family name from their dad’s family. It’s just the history of names and actually how we find it easier to trace families. I guess people can do what they want but pretending family names did not largely come down the male line is denying history of names.

YABU.

You have said you wouldn't like DS to give up his surname in favour of DIL.

I suppose you also wouldn't like the option of both partners keep the surname but the hypothetical DCs have the same name as DIL.

So the only option whereby DIL isn't at a detriment is double barrelling.

Why can't men be expected to take their FILs name, then?

Why is it women who are being ridiculous because they don't want to swap name they share with their Dad's for a name the same as their FIL?

Once your name is on your birth certificate it is YOUR name, wherever it came from. Your parents might change their names, but you keep the name on the birth certificate. It's YOURS. Your birth name, to change if you want, on marriage or just because you want to, or to keep, It is your birth name , not 'maiden' name, to be automatically discarded as soon as you cease maidenhood - which actually, to my mind, demonstrates the sexism of the whole thing.

I have never referred to my name as my 'maiden name'.

Horrible term.

Men mostly have their dad's names too. It's funny how it quickly becomes just their name though.

You say that you think he (your son) might change his mind depending on what other people (On MN) think about double barrelled names - but even if he did what would happen next ? Both keep their own names ? Use her name ? A blended name? - I think really you want her to change her name to your son's and all the other arguments are not really relevant to you. I understand it's upsetting and maybe hurtful if you had just assumed that she would take his name but you can't change other people's minds by getting upset. I think you will just have to learn to live with this - people have coped with bigger setbacks to their expectations.

The grandparents must have led unbelievably sheltered, charmed lives if they're "horrified" by... a double-barrelled surname.

Remember Katarina Johnson Thompson works well enough! Although Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson felt the need to shorten his for public consumption.

Oh cone on you must be veibg facetious now. Of course people have concerns about their children, do you really think you're the only parent who doesn't pop them out and then never spares them a second thought?

But most normal people have concerns about ACTUAL POTENTIAL ISSUES, like will they be happy in their marriage, are they too stressed at work, are they healthy, not complete non-issues like "is their surname a faff to spell?"

Even IF your concerns were valid, how would it affect you?

It won't. Deep down you think it undermines his masculinity.

Just be glad he isn't hopping ot "trend" of both shedding their respective family surnames and making a single new one.

This is the first of many decisions he will make where his wife will come first. Jump on the train or get left behind wondering why they and the children they may one day have see more of her parents than you.

In my country we have 2 surnames one for the dad and one for the mum. I have 3 surnames because one of them is double barrel ( it has been like that since 1650) . We are not allowed to change surname, only you can swap the first for the second and it is very hard to do it.

Would you think it was "fair" if she took his surname?

How many times do you actually say your surname? You’re being ridiculous. It’s not like you’ll be saying it!

But it’s not really a concern is it. It’s something you’ve been told, internally you think “ooh, I don’t really like that” and then you move on. It’s not something to be concerned about is it.

So if a man wants his children to have his name, he's insecure? Eh?

YABVU. It’s up to them.

If you had a daughter would you be equally as horrified by her taking her new husband's name?

This isn't about surname length is it

Am a little surprised that you think ‘that’s just their generation’. I am in my fifties, married for 23 years. We discussed whether I would take DH’s name as several of our friends had chosen not to change their names. It’s been fairly common for women to choose not to take on their DH’s name for decades. Can’t believe this is such an anathema to you that you and the DGPs are so blindsided by it, tbh.

This. Plus I can’t do anything about the decision to name me along the patriarchal lines - but I can make sure the decision to name my kids is more in line with my feminist values - and those of their dad.

Surely you meant to say your female friends have their own names but their father's are using their dad's names. It would be no less accurate, after all. And if you're going to strawman, at least don't trot out a cliche that's been refuted a dozen times already.

@pelargoniums Are you me? 🤔😁

I wanted to double-barrel mine and DH's surnames for our DC (I retained my name on marriage because - y'know - feminism) and DH was insistent it was too much of a mouthful (would have been five syllables in total).

Our solution? Both DC have my surname.

Would that be preferable? I suspect not as my hunch tells me this is a traditionalist thing rather than a mouthful thing.

My opinion is it’s absolutely none of your business,

What you don't seem to get - by hyphenating her name with his your DIL has also compromised. They both have, and have done the fairest thing by meeting eachother in the middle.

When I married my husband, I said he can have my surname, we can double barrel or keep our own. But any children would absolutely be having mine. We've both double barrelled, we've faced no opposition or questioning - it has been a non-event. Our eldest at school has her double barrelled name shortened to the initials and loves it.

You should be proud of raising such a son, and maybe take a leaf from his book.

@Chenecinquantecinq

What other traditions do you go for? Do you ask permission to work, get a credit card, a mortgage? Do you abstain from voting too?

With such traditional values, I'm amazed you're using a phone - surely reading and writing on the internet is unwomanly, shouldn't you be back in the kitchen?

This!