To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

OP, this is not a new generation thing and they'll be fine. My dm, born in the 1940s, kept her own name. My brothers' wives (born in the 1960s) both kept their own names. Nobody (except your parents) will turn a hair, I promise.

My friend did this with an even longer name- 3 syllables plus 3 more. Only challenge is character limit on her credit cards. It's really fine.

@FortyElephants @Mnlp @WiseUpJanetWeiss @DeskJotter interesting, I didn’t know that about Spain. Seems quite sensible.

I suppose that is normal and expected part of their naming culture though so doesn’t really help UK children who may come up against the predicament and need to choose which part of their double barrelled name to take forward if that’s what they want to do. Although may provide guidance.

Yes I agree

'Grandparents are horrified' grow up

I agree too

But we all expect a woman to just do this and don't care that the grandchildren lose her name?

her name which is 99% likely a male gave her it?

It's still her name now. Her father doesn't have rights over it or actually own it. She he chooses now whether to keep it or not.

Traditionally, babies take the mother’s surname. Sure, the mother has likely already changed her name on marriage (but not always), but in doing so she’s choosing her name, not being given it: she’s then choosing it for her children.

In any case, cycles have to be broken somewhere. My double-barrel is my parents’ names: if I’d given it to my children it wouldn’t be a name their father gave them, it would be a name from their mother and grandmother. (“But!” you cry, “it was once their great-grandfather’s!” To which the answer is: yeah, so?)

I am pretty certain I’m in love with you

Males parents horrified he will change his name upon marriage. Something women have done for ages and zero eyelids batted.

Times are changing get with it or become one of those old people “yeah we know grannies a bit you know but it’s her generation you know how they are 🙄 just humour her”

I have a ‘long and clunky’ surname too OP and I’d be horrified if I knew my MIL was opposed to it on that basis. Women have enough to worry about without now worrying about how clunky our surnames are.

If you are genuinely worried he is squandering his wants and needs to make her happy, before they have even tied the knot, then I’m sorry but you do have a problem with her and you need to work through that or you’ll have a lifetime of this.

Please trust that they are able to make decisions as a couple.

I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his.

So you think it's unfair for him to take her surname, but also unfair for them to double-barrel? This makes absolutely no sense. It's like saying "My son and his fiancee bought a dessert together and then shared it between them. Isn't this unfair? She should have let him eat the whole thing himself. Why did he have to give up something he enjoyed just to make her happy?"

Respectfully, it’s non of your business and if this kind of thing upsets you you need to get out more.

Of course they do.

But the question was about names and I suppose feels trivial to some posters and not to others. Your DS and DiL get to decide what they call themselves and their children.

I kept my name when I got married, my husband didn’t approve but “Mrs Jones” was his mother, not me. And I’d established myself under my maiden name so I didn’t want to be erased.

Current DP and I (not married) decided not to double barrel the kids. Too long and too many syllables so we gave them my surname as their third name and they have his surname for every day use.

I think women should keep their own name and any babies take the women’s surname but double barrel is a good compromise

I mean. Some of us do, but this would be so low on my list of things to concern myself with that it would be undetectable with the human eye. Is his future wife a kind person? Do you think they'll be happy together? Have a chance at a long life together? etc, those are the things that I worry about with any future spouse for my child.

Fretting ostensibly over the length of his surname just sounds a bit over the top and very much sounds as if you're actually upset that his name is changing. However, I admit I didn't change my name when I married, so therefore probably am not the best arbiter of this.

Also, I work in a school: double barreled surnames happen from time to time. If it's two long names, it will almost certainly just be abbreviated to W-S or whatever.

The real fun begins when those children want to marry someone else with a double barreled name 😁 (I'm kidding; please don't use that as an argument!)

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but someone in my family said that they were going to do something similar and we were all a bit dubious. Turns out they never got round to it. I wouldn’t spend any time worrying about it. It’s not really going to affect you and they may end up dropping the idea quietly.

Or everyone could just be Mx, regardless of sex or marital status.

For goodness sake get a grip. He'll still be the same person , ssme son, sane grandson etc.

It's very common now to double barrel names.
I think it's a great idea.
When their children will be born then they have both parents last names.
Other countries do this.
I know many men that actually took wife's maiden name and dropped their own.
I've got my maiden name in the middle then married name at the end.
You'll get used to it in Sure.

To be fair I know where you are coming from because my husband and I have spoken about our surname regarding our son. Now I took my husbands name which is a pain because my surname was Carter and his is a real rare surname in the UK and is 10 characters long and no one can spell it, where as Carter everyone knows how to spell that 😂
Our son is only 20 and no where near close to getting married but already my husband is putting pressure on him to keep the name. For the last 4 generations only one boy per gen to carry on the family name has been born and I just don’t think it’s that important.
It has nowt to do with my husband or I of our son takes on his girlfriends surname or not it is such a non issue to me, I just want him to be happy.

Historically speaking, OP you are misinformed. The custom - not really a longstanding tradition - of women taking their husband's surnames only really took force throughout the UK in the 19th cent. Partly because of the concept - created because of industrialisation and fostered- understandably - by trades unions etc then of the male bread-winner and the asssociated 'family wage'. But also bear in mind that:

• the introduction of statutuary registration of births marriages and deaths in the UK in approx the 1850s, for the first time ever, created a bureaucratic legal document in which the father's surname was prominent. Before that, religious documents had followed various formulae, including some - especially in Scotland - whereby women were known throughout their lives by their family names: Mary MacArthur wife of James Scott, for example
• for centuries, the husbands of women with more wealth/power/aristocratic kudos often had to change their names to their wife's name as part of the marriage settlement. And even after that, their wives still used their birth family names and titles.

There is an awful lot more to say about all this - especially about the very unfair legal rules that entitled a husband to their wife's property/assets after marriage. But please don't think that any of this is a recent issue. It literally goes back centuries. What is wonderful now is that there is no compulsion on couples - unless family members choose to try to invoke false history.

Omg, your anecdote about the cards....this reminded me of my exMil always addressing cards to me as Mrs. Peter Smith. (Those aren't the names; I'm just using them as illustration.)

I did take my husband's surname and never thought twice about it, but that was because of some quite serious problems with my own dad. I'd rather have my husband's name than his.

But being addressed as Mrs Peter Smith had me raging, absolutely raging! My first name isn't Peter!!!!!

My wife casually asked if I would double barrel my name as she felt that taking my name was an antiquated concept. Totally agree, she still has hers. However my single argument to me not changing my name was the fact that I spent 4 months salary on a ring which I designed myself and travelled halfway around the world to find the perfect stone. Drove 11hrs to ask her dad for her hand, proposal in Chicago at Christmas with the Home Alone House as a backdrop (promising her I would work so hard so we would have a family and home like the McCalisters). Then singlehandedly planned a suprise wedding in the Caribbean during Covid. So while it all felt very antiquated to me and his and her matching tattoos would have been my choice - tradition seems to matter then, it kind of has to work both ways. My name is my name and I have two daughters and accept the fact than my name will probably die with me.