Page 4 | To not want my husband to attend his female best friend’s wedding without me?

BluntAzurePeer · 2025-04-05T12:46:47+00:00

My husband has a long-time female best friend - they’ve never dated but had a brief “thing” years ago before we met. She’s getting married abroad and due to work and budget, I can’t attend. He still wants to go alone, says it’s important to him and it’s “just a friend.” I trust him but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of him flying off solo to a wedding of someone he once had a thing with. AIBU for saying I don’t want him to go?

faerietales · 05/04/2025 14:40

BluntAzurePeer · 05/04/2025 14:35

Thank you, that really helps me feel a bit less like I’m overthinking it. I agree, if he were going with a group of friends or if I could go too, I think it would land very differently.

You’re probably right that part of his motivation is about showing respect, especially since she came to our wedding. And I don’t doubt his intentions but I do think it’s okay to feel a little unsure when it’s a solo trip to someone he once had a ‘thing’ with, with no other familiar faces.

It’s not about controlling his choices, it’s just the context that makes me pause.

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Their friendship is clearly an issue for you from your posts.

If you trusted him, you'd have no reason to feel unsure about this.

DGPP · 05/04/2025 14:43

OP, kindly, you are being ridiculous. If it’s bothering you that much then go to the wedding with him.
if my husband stopped me going to the wedding of a dear friend (and they were unable to come with me), I’d rethink my relationship. I’d be absolutely furious at not being trusted to go to a friend’s wedding alone

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 14:47

Of course your feelings are your feelings (and doubtless they stem from more than you are disclosing here), but you talk about trying to navigate them.
Hopefully this thread will move you on to trying to manage them. Talk yourself through it all. Surely you can see they are baseless and therefore ridiculous. Making your DH feel uncomfortable about going to his close friend’s wedding would be very selfish of you, so please think twice before saying anything to him.
Let him go with your blessing, and with hopes that he’ll have a great time.

Winifredtabago · 05/04/2025 14:51

BluntAzurePeer · 05/04/2025 14:39

Thank you, that really strikes the balance I’ve been trying to explain. I don’t see her as a threat and I do believe he’s going with good intentions. But yes, I think you’ve nailed it: there’s a mix of feeling left out and maybe a quiet worry that she’ll always be part of the picture in a way I’m not quite part of.

It’s not easy to just pop it on a credit card but I’m now thinking maybe it’s worth at least looking again at options, even just to go for a shorter time. You’re right, he might actually enjoy it more with me there too. He’ll know hardly anyone and I don’t imagine he wants to feel like a spare part on the day either.

I really appreciate your reply, it gave me perspective without brushing aside the emotion behind it.

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I dont think this should have been an AIBU question as you seem pretty certain you are justified in feeling the way you do. What is it you are questioning really. You feel the way you do.

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 14:52

Winifredtabago · 05/04/2025 14:40

That's not fair. If it was the other way round and a man expecting his wife not to go to a friends wedding people would class that as controlling and a red flag. Friendships are very important and it shouldn't be a case of missing out on a friend's special day due to a partner feeling uncomfortable. And the emotional blackmail of- oh am I not that important to you.

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OP has given reasons why she is uncomfortable with this friendship and him going to the wedding unaccompanied.

We don't know what conversations have been held between OP and her H about this friendship. We aren't party to the in and outs of their marriage or the friendship. We don't know what vibes her H gives out in his contact with his woman friend.

OP is perfectly entitled to feel the way she does.
She is perfectly entitled to ask her supposed life partner - the man she exchanged wedding vows with - not to go to this wedding. It's called communicating. That's what is supposed to happen in a marriage. Or do you think bottling things up and not discussing things is the basis of a good marriage?

Of course she can't make him stay at home if he wants to go but if OP can't tell him how she feels their marriage is worthless anyway.

All this talk of " controlling" on MN gets so irritating.

Pippinsdiary · 05/04/2025 14:58

Yabu. You’re being pathetic

Winifredtabago · 05/04/2025 14:59

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 14:52

OP has given reasons why she is uncomfortable with this friendship and him going to the wedding unaccompanied.

We don't know what conversations have been held between OP and her H about this friendship. We aren't party to the in and outs of their marriage or the friendship. We don't know what vibes her H gives out in his contact with his woman friend.

OP is perfectly entitled to feel the way she does.
She is perfectly entitled to ask her supposed life partner - the man she exchanged wedding vows with - not to go to this wedding. It's called communicating. That's what is supposed to happen in a marriage. Or do you think bottling things up and not discussing things is the basis of a good marriage?

Of course she can't make him stay at home if he wants to go but if OP can't tell him how she feels their marriage is worthless anyway.

All this talk of " controlling" on MN gets so irritating.

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I wasnt disagreeing with anything OP said I was disagreeing with you suggesting she should reevaluate how important she is to her husband based on him going to his friends wedding based on her not feeling entirely comfortable with it. OP herself said she hasnt told her husband not to go, so your comment is over the top.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 15:01

Um, unless he is the intended groom, yabu. She is marrying someone else. It is clear that they are just friends. And you either trust him or you don't.

Hwi · 05/04/2025 15:14

Everybody who married past the age of 18 has someone in the past - it is standard. However when they marry a new person (you) the past stays firmly in the past, especially with past loves. My gran used to say 'Alte Liebe roestet nicht' - old love does never rusts - and it is true. He should not go solo. Disrespectful on so many levels, it is just plain wrong.

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 15:15

Winifredtabago · 05/04/2025 14:59

I wasnt disagreeing with anything OP said I was disagreeing with you suggesting she should reevaluate how important she is to her husband based on him going to his friends wedding based on her not feeling entirely comfortable with it. OP herself said she hasnt told her husband not to go, so your comment is over the top.

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I know she hasn't told him not to go.

But honestly if a woman is unhappy with her husband's friendship with another woman and he prioritises that friendship over his wife's feelings then it's natural to contemplate where you stand in your H's affections. It's just a natural thing when someone outside your marriage is given precedence over your supposed life partner.

I really fail to see what your point is.

I also fail to see why many people bother getting married at all when they have no intention of prioritising their wife/ partner.

Yes friendships are important. But your life partner is more important.

SoNotaRealHousewife · 05/04/2025 15:15

I’d be more annoyed that he was the only one getting a holiday

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 15:18

BluntAzurePeer · 05/04/2025 14:09

It’s not that I’m pissed off, I get that it’s important to him and I haven’t told him he can’t go. But yes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit left out or uneasy.

It’s more the combination of: I can’t go, they have some history, and she’s not someone I have a close connection with myself. If the roles were reversed, I think he might feel at least a bit funny about it too.

It’s not about forbidding him from going, it’s just me trying to be honest about how it feels.

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Well, it’s possible to be honest with yourself and still recognise that your feelings about this are irrational, territorial and likely to cause problems in your relationship, surely?

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 15:19

SoNotaRealHousewife · 05/04/2025 15:15

I’d be more annoyed that he was the only one getting a holiday

Not his fault the OP can’t go. He can’t move the date of someone else’s wedding to suit the OP’s job.

Winifredtabago · 05/04/2025 15:19

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 15:15

I know she hasn't told him not to go.

But honestly if a woman is unhappy with her husband's friendship with another woman and he prioritises that friendship over his wife's feelings then it's natural to contemplate where you stand in your H's affections. It's just a natural thing when someone outside your marriage is given precedence over your supposed life partner.

I really fail to see what your point is.

I also fail to see why many people bother getting married at all when they have no intention of prioritising their wife/ partner.

Yes friendships are important. But your life partner is more important.

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Well if that's the case OP should have told her husband that he cant be friends with this woman any more. But that has obviously not happened and now the friend is getting married. The friend attended their wedding - if OP didnt want this woman being part of her husband's life then that wouldn't have happened. So your comment is an overreaction.

Bigcat25 · 05/04/2025 15:20

Nothing is going to happen between them during their wedding weekend. You're being silly. My husband's ex was at our wedding, wasn't an issue.

SoNotaRealHousewife · 05/04/2025 15:21

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 15:19

Not his fault the OP can’t go. He can’t move the date of someone else’s wedding to suit the OP’s job.

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Where did I say he should do that or that it was his fault? If things are so tight then perhaps it isn’t a good idea to spend the money on only one of them

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 05/04/2025 15:21

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 15:15

I know she hasn't told him not to go.

But honestly if a woman is unhappy with her husband's friendship with another woman and he prioritises that friendship over his wife's feelings then it's natural to contemplate where you stand in your H's affections. It's just a natural thing when someone outside your marriage is given precedence over your supposed life partner.

I really fail to see what your point is.

I also fail to see why many people bother getting married at all when they have no intention of prioritising their wife/ partner.

Yes friendships are important. But your life partner is more important.

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A partner who doesn’t want you to have friends is not a good partner

The OP knows her husband isn’t about to get jiggy with this woman

She just doesn’t like the fact he has parts of his life that don’t involve her, which is nuts, cos no one is involved in every facet of another persons life, unless the person concerned is a preschooler

SparklyGlitterballs · 05/04/2025 15:24

As they has some kind of 'thing' once upon a time, and he has an emotional connection to her, do you think your wariness could be about him seeing her as a bride? Most women look extra special on their wedding day, there's romance in the air, so maybe your apprehension is that his feelings for her will deepen in some respect?

Outofthepan · 05/04/2025 15:24

I’d feel really uncomfortable too @BluntAzurePeer

Im not sure what I’d do, but it’s all a bit Friends/rom com/the one that got away for me to be totally chilled about it.

HorrorFan81 · 05/04/2025 15:26

I had 'things' with half the blokes I ended up long term friends with and there are several I still class as friends and would want to go to their wedding. Do you think shes going to be hooking up with your husband between the speeches and the cake??

Bignanna · 05/04/2025 15:26

OP- if you can possibly change things so that you can go too- do it! I’m surprised that your husband didn’t decline the invitation when you were unable to go.

QueefQueen80s · 05/04/2025 15:27

You sound a bit controlling. I have loads of male friends who are important to me, they are separate to any relationship I have. I love them as friends. If any partner caused an issue with me celebrating them literally getting married to someone else I would question my relationship.

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 15:28

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 05/04/2025 15:21

A partner who doesn’t want you to have friends is not a good partner

The OP knows her husband isn’t about to get jiggy with this woman

She just doesn’t like the fact he has parts of his life that don’t involve her, which is nuts, cos no one is involved in every facet of another persons life, unless the person concerned is a preschooler

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It's not about not wanting him to have friends. How do you extrapolate that from this particular scenario?
It's about one friendship.

QueefQueen80s · 05/04/2025 15:29

Bignanna · 05/04/2025 15:26

OP- if you can possibly change things so that you can go too- do it! I’m surprised that your husband didn’t decline the invitation when you were unable to go.

Why would he? It’s his friend?

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 15:29

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 15:15

I know she hasn't told him not to go.

But honestly if a woman is unhappy with her husband's friendship with another woman and he prioritises that friendship over his wife's feelings then it's natural to contemplate where you stand in your H's affections. It's just a natural thing when someone outside your marriage is given precedence over your supposed life partner.

I really fail to see what your point is.

I also fail to see why many people bother getting married at all when they have no intention of prioritising their wife/ partner.

Yes friendships are important. But your life partner is more important.

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Gosh, are you this insecure and territorial in your own life?