To not want my husband to attend his female best friend’s wedding without me?

[BluntAzurePeer]

My husband has a long-time female best friend - they’ve never dated but had a brief “thing” years ago before we met. She’s getting married abroad and due to work and budget, I can’t attend. He still wants to go alone, says it’s important to him and it’s “just a friend.” I trust him but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of him flying off solo to a wedding of someone he once had a thing with. AIBU for saying I don’t want him to go?

OP I think I might feel slightly uncomfortable too, but I’d acknowledge that it was my problem, and I wouldn’t mention it. If you emotionally blackmail him into not going, then you’ve crossed a line into very controlling territory. Just grit your teeth and deal with it.

If you trusted him, this wouldn't bother you.

I think YABU because you don’t want to ask him not to go but you DO want him to say “you’re a bit unhappy, I won’t go”. You’re telling yourself that he’s putting her before your feelings and it’s making you feel worse. But it’s an old friend’s wedding, naturally he wants to go and feels he should. Unless as others have said there is more to this.

YABU and perhaps a bit spiteful.

Your reasons seem pretty weak. I don't see why it's relevant that you and her arn't close? Why would that make it any different?

Have to agree with this. You were invited but due to circumstances are not going.
You really do need to be grounded about this and wave him off with good grace.

Looking at it another way - him jetting off on what is essentially a holiday to see a friend get married seems silly when he could be spending that money on a nice holiday with you.

you think he’s going to shag the bride?

Yes YABU

and some

Surely her wedding is the safest time for him to be with her. I'd have thought the chances of them shagging are approximately zero!

So in your opinion people can never do anything with friends then? They should always just do stuff as a couple or family and not have their own lives, interests or trips away independent of their significant others??

What a stifling life that would be.

Since when isn’t it normal for couples to also go away on breaks with friends?

It seems silly in the context is v passive aggressive

In this situation I would question his decision, I think going to a wedding without your spouse or circle of friends feels a bit ….. odd?
I wonder if he thinks that him not going will look like rudeness (she was at your wedding) or that he can’t bear to see her married (which he is obviously fine with) so that’s the reason why he is going rather then any sentimental ones.
I wouldn’t go in this situation (and I know my DH wouldn’t go either) as it’s a big ask with a wedding abroad time wise and financially.

You feel how you feel and nobody is going to understand because they aren’t you.

Logically, this woman is about to embark on one of the best days of her life (hopefully) with someone she loves enough to marry. She’s going to have more family and friends around her than just your husband, so I agree, she’s not a threat to your relationship.

But at the same time I get that you may be feeling left out, and there’s probably a little weariness of her always going to be there, because of their history.

Can you really not take time off? Pop the extra on a credit card? If your husband really wants to go, can he stretch to paying towards you both going as a couple. That would be nice for him too, as he won’t be able to just attach himself to her for the day, as she’ll be busy and he’ll be on his own.

No I’m not saying that - but this is a bit different from a night down the pub!

If money and annual leave are in abundance then whatever but for most people money for a trip abroad is likely have to come out of some other holiday budget surely!

It’s not about being spiteful at all, I’ve said from the start that I trust him and I’m not trying to stop him from going. I’m just being honest about the fact that yes, the emotional dynamics do feel different when I’m not close to the person he’s flying aboard to celebrate, especially when there’s a bit of a history there.

If we were all close, I think I’d feel more included and less on the outside of it all. That’s why it feels different - not because I’m trying to control the situation but because I’m trying to navigate my own feelings in it.

Why shouldn't he have a holiday to see his friend get married?

If you trust him, why don't you want him to go?

It's very normal to take trips with friends. I'm not sure why you find it that unusual.

But he’s not going away with her. He’s just going to be a guest at her wedding. Probably will barely get a chance to speak to her.

I don’t know the OP’s financial circs so maybe this is a non issue.

(can you tell I didn’t agree with abroad weddings 😂)

Yes, absolutely YABU for saying you don't want him to go.

This is his friend. A close friend who he knew before you even met. She is getting married and rightly so he wants to be there. He absolutely should go, and just because you are unable to go doesn't mean he shouldn't still go.

Everything else is irrelevant.

And if you say you trust him them then I don't see the problem.

It seems that this isn't really about a trip abroad for her wedding. OP is, as she has pretty much implied, jealous of their closeness. She doesn't want that closeness, albeit innocent, to have a chance to air itself in a scenario where she's not present.
TBF it's a valid human emotion but not a reason to stop him going on the trip.

Thank you, that really helps me feel a bit less like I’m overthinking it. I agree, if he were going with a group of friends or if I could go too, I think it would land very differently.

You’re probably right that part of his motivation is about showing respect, especially since she came to our wedding. And I don’t doubt his intentions but I do think it’s okay to feel a little unsure when it’s a solo trip to someone he once had a ‘thing’ with, with no other familiar faces.

It’s not about controlling his choices, it’s just the context that makes me pause.

You are BU, OP and I’d sit a little with why it’s bothered you so much. He’s married to you; he’s going to her wedding. One of my oldest friends is a guy, we’ve always been super close as pals - I went to his wedding alone as DH got Covid (was a few years ago). DH didn’t care one bit. If you can’t trust him to go to his good friends own wedding that’s a bit of a red flag, is it not?

He's going to celebrate her marrying someone else, if he had feelings still i can guarantee he wouldn't want to go.

Thank you, that really strikes the balance I’ve been trying to explain. I don’t see her as a threat and I do believe he’s going with good intentions. But yes, I think you’ve nailed it: there’s a mix of feeling left out and maybe a quiet worry that she’ll always be part of the picture in a way I’m not quite part of.

It’s not easy to just pop it on a credit card but I’m now thinking maybe it’s worth at least looking again at options, even just to go for a shorter time. You’re right, he might actually enjoy it more with me there too. He’ll know hardly anyone and I don’t imagine he wants to feel like a spare part on the day either.

I really appreciate your reply, it gave me perspective without brushing aside the emotion behind it.

That's not fair. If it was the other way round and a man expecting his wife not to go to a friends wedding people would class that as controlling and a red flag. Friendships are very important and it shouldn't be a case of missing out on a friend's special day due to a partner feeling uncomfortable. And the emotional blackmail of- oh am I not that important to you.