To not want my husband to attend his female best friend’s wedding without me?

[BluntAzurePeer]

My husband has a long-time female best friend - they’ve never dated but had a brief “thing” years ago before we met. She’s getting married abroad and due to work and budget, I can’t attend. He still wants to go alone, says it’s important to him and it’s “just a friend.” I trust him but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of him flying off solo to a wedding of someone he once had a thing with. AIBU for saying I don’t want him to go?

You can’t go .. so he can’t go ?

She was invited to our wedding, yes, and I was invited to hers but due to work and cost, I can’t go. And you’re right: if it weren’t for the fact that they had a brief romantic moment in the past, I probably wouldn’t be as bothered.

There’s no drama between her and me but we’re not close - we’ve only met a few times and there’s always been a slight emotional ‘closeness’ between her and my husband that I’ve noticed. Nothing overly inappropriate, just… more warmth than I sometimes feel totally at ease with.

So no, I don’t suspect anything concrete, it’s more the combination of history, distance, and not being able to go that’s making me feel uneasy.

This would be a massive red flag if my DH was going on like this with me

BUT HE IS GOING TO HER WEDDING!!

Why on earth would that make you uncomfortable? They’re hardly likely to get at it under the top table!

It sounds as though you suspect he still carries a torch for her.

It sounds as though you suspect she is more important to him than you.

Personally I feel it's not unreasonable to put your wife's feelings before your friendship - that's the whole point of marriage. So if he goes knowing you are unhappy about it I would be reevaluating my assessment of the importance of your marriage to him.

Ridiculous tbh. This type of mistrust is one of the reasons my marriage didn't last.

It's infuriating and insulting to have your partner so suspicious of friendships.

This is batshit crazy.
If she stops him going it’s a huge red flag for him being in a controlling relationship!

Are you pissed off that he won’t turn it down because you can’t make it? Is that what’s making you insecure? If so, still BU / it’s his old friend.

Oh for god sake, if you he’s hooking up with the bride on her wedding day you’ve got bigger issues!
You were invited and can’t attend, that’s absolutely no reasons he shouldn’t attend his close friend’s wedding.

YABU. And ridiculous.

You think he’s going to get together with the bride at her wedding🙄? Yeah, absolutely. They have been planning g it for years and this is how they have chosen to run off together. Don’t be so ridiculous.

Yabu.

Agreed!

I also highly doubt you'd give the op that advice if the roles were reversed and her husband had an issue with her attending a wedding.

Completely ridiculous to think being married should mean your other half gets to have such control over you.

Were they the part of the same circle of friends or was it just two of them were friends? I wonder does he know her parents and other friends ?
If he does it might be an opportunity to see “ the old gang” for him. However if he doesn’t …,

It's also part of a healthy relationship to recognise when your "feeling of discomfort" is irrational and not based in reality, and therefore not to act on it. And it's part of a healthy relationship to consider how your partner would feel. If DP said he felt "uncomfortable" about me going to an ex's wedding (or even socialising with them) without him chaperoning me, I would feel insulted and controlled.

And it is about trust. If you trusted him this would be a non-issue, a total non-issue.

I am not a ‘cool wife’ by any means, but even I think you are being utterly ridiculous here OP!! You were invited. It’s HER WEDDING…she’s quite clearly not planning a grand old shagathon with your DH is she??

It’s not that I’m pissed off, I get that it’s important to him and I haven’t told him he can’t go. But yes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit left out or uneasy.

It’s more the combination of: I can’t go, they have some history, and she’s not someone I have a close connection with myself. If the roles were reversed, I think he might feel at least a bit funny about it too.

It’s not about forbidding him from going, it’s just me trying to be honest about how it feels.

Batshit crazy?
If you actually try reading what I said I didn't say she should stop him going did I?
OP has every right to feel how she feels.

Arguably if something was to happen between them it would have happened by now and she wouldn’t be getting married.

I do find it strange to have a “best friend” of the opposite sex though. Friends fine but best friends have such a deep connection. Personally I think the sexes are just too different to have enough in common to be “best friends”.

No, you said if he goes knowing she’s uncomfortable about it, she should reassess her marriage.
Batshit crazy.

He should absolutely go to his close friend’s wedding, and he should tell his wife that if she’s uncomfortable about it she needs to have a chat with herself. She’s being utterly ridiculous.

You can't help the way you feel but that doesn't give you reason to prevent him from going. You have to sit with feeling uncomfortable, keep busy doing fun things with your friends and send your congratulations in a card.

That’s a good question, it’s not a big shared friend group thing. They were friends in uni and kept in touch closely over the years but I don’t think he’s especially close to her wider circle or her family. So it feels more like a personal trip for her rather than a reunion of mutual friends.

Which I think is part of what makes it feel more complicated. If it were a big group he’s known for years, it might land differently.

YABU, and I say this as someone who is the opposite of a “cool wife.”

Would you feel the same if it was a male friends wedding? I doubt it. So it IS a trust issue, no matter how you try to convince yourself otherwise.

Unless he has form?

But if it was a bloke he'd met at uni and was travelling for you be fine so it's clearly this is a you not trusting him issue.

He's literally doing nothing wrong and you're determined to make it appear like he's in the wrong.

I think you've been watching too many Julia Roberts films. It's fine to admit these feelings to yourself. But you can't ask him not to go. That will look batshit and probably spell the end.