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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

178 replies

4daystobday · 04/04/2025 10:39

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 04/04/2025 10:46

Tricky one, I don't think I could leave him, but having said that you need to be able to plan your next stage, and it doesn't sound like he will move out any time soon. What are his reasons for changing his mind?

FuckYouTony · 04/04/2025 10:47

I think at 24, even with the SEN, he could live independently especially having his own income. You could help set that up with him, finding a flat etc, so you know he's secure.
You're not abandoning him though. He's a grown man.

Mydoglovescheese · 04/04/2025 10:47

We had this with DS aged 21. He didn’t want to move with us so moved into a house share with friends. It lasted 6 weeks before he asked to move back in with us!

booksandbakinglover · 04/04/2025 10:47

No. Your son is an adult now and you are entitled to live your life the way you want to, same as he is.

You could always help him find somewhere to live that he can afford with his wages and show him how to manage his money, he might even then decide to move with you if it seems like too much effort. My son is also ADHD and I know if anything was left up to him to sort out, he will always take the easier route😅

But no, you are not abandoning your adult son, he will have to learn to fend for himself at some point. It’s time for you to live your life

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2025 10:48

He’s 24!

You’re not abandoning him, he’s the one who’s bailing on the plan. He can come or not but he doesn’t get you to stop moving.

BlueskyCherrytrees · 04/04/2025 10:49

If you haven’t actually bought a house yet why not plan an intermediary stage?

Move your DS out into his own place while you are still in the local area and then move yourselves once he’s settled.

SedumRoof · 04/04/2025 10:51

I wouldn’t not move because a 24 year old, even with additional needs, had changed his mind. You have time to help him find somewhere to live etc.

Ohthatsabitshit · 04/04/2025 10:54

I agree he needs to find his own digs and try living independently. If he still wants to stay then move and come and see him mid week till he’s settled and he can come to you for weekends. If he decides he misses family too much he can move with you ir join you.

MellowPinkDeer · 04/04/2025 10:54

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2025 10:48

He’s 24!

You’re not abandoning him, he’s the one who’s bailing on the plan. He can come or not but he doesn’t get you to stop moving.

This!!

I was married by the time I was 24! He’s a fully grown adult!

CaptainAwkward · 04/04/2025 10:56

I know times are different nowadays but, at aged 24 with ASD and ADHD plus complex PTSD, I was divorced with a child and had my own home.

The kindest thing, into my experience, is help your DS to be independent whilst knowing he'll make fuck ups.

I've got teens and older similar and I've worked hard with the goal of ensuring they can live independently and have the practical skills and resilience but ensuring they can always come to me for support and advice.

Don't feel guilty about having a life whilst you have adult children

Upsidedownagain · 04/04/2025 10:57

As someone with a 24 year old living at home who also has ADHD, a job with no prospects, a side hustle and no goals for the future, I'd say get him settled in his own place first (or he could change his mind, of course). I would want to know my dc was happy before I moved.

160 miles sounds a lot but it's easy to stay connected in other ways these days. Just hard to pop round to deal with an "emergency".

ThejoyofNC · 04/04/2025 10:58

You're not abandoning him, he has the option to come with you but is choosing not to. I'd let him know that if whatever he puts in place doesn't work out, then he's free to change his mind and join you later.

Crocmush · 04/04/2025 10:58

MellowPinkDeer · 04/04/2025 10:54

This!!

I was married by the time I was 24! He’s a fully grown adult!

Show quote history

He won't be at the same level of maturity as a young adult without his conditions though

isthesolution · 04/04/2025 11:00

I’d definitely still move. He has the option to come with you or offer to help him find somewhere to rent - maybe offer to pay the first months rent or something if you want to help out.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 04/04/2025 11:00

I'm massively confused here. He's 24. How is this even a question?

He's clearly highly functional if he works and has a side gig, and a car. He just needs to crack on with being an adult.

Honestly it will probably do him good in the long run.

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 04/04/2025 11:01

Help him with his rent and bills for a transitional period.

What are his wages? Will he get a mortgage at some point? Will you help him with a deposit?

LittleBigHead · 04/04/2025 11:01

He’s 24!!!

Quite a lot of people have established families by that age.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2025 11:02

Time for big conversations with your son.

If he doesn't move with you, he needs somewhere else to live, and it would be a good idea for this to happen soon, well before you move. Moving out of the comfort of his parents' home would be a good thing anyway for a 24 year old. Dipping his toe in the pond of independent life whilst his parents still live locally is probably the optimum option. He may have a very rosy idea of how it will be, knowing the reality can only benefit him. It may be he'll change his mind based on the reality check, or it may be he takes to it enthusiastically. Either way, you'll be reassured.

Mylegishangingoff · 04/04/2025 11:02

As the mum of an 18 yo with asd and adhd I would have to make sure he was set up by himself and that he was coping living alone before I could move. If that worked out OK and I could see he was doing well and had a support system of friends around him I would be fine moving.

Actually I've just seen that you say he doesn't have any close friends. I don't think I would in that case. Mental health issues are a huge thing with asd, I would worry too much about loneliness tbh.

LogicVoid · 04/04/2025 11:02

You ask him now what his plans are, as he now does not want to move with you.

Ideally, then get him moved out and settled asap, and then put your own move plans into action.

And if it isn't working, give him the option to move with you, or follow on.

Crocmush · 04/04/2025 11:08

If he moved out while parents are still living nearby then as well as helping him settle and dealing with whatever teething problems come up, he could make an informed decision about whether he would actually prefer to move to the the new town with the parents or not.

boxofbuttons · 04/04/2025 11:13

Crocmush · 04/04/2025 10:58

He won't be at the same level of maturity as a young adult without his conditions though

Show quote history

Fair, but he's able to drive and has a job AND a side hustle. He's clearly quite capable and resourceful - whether he's capable of doing these things with the safety of parental support from the family home OR he's coasting in relative luxury for a 24 year old because it's there and he's not been forced to spread his wings a bit is the question.

OP, I'd talk to him adult to adult and discuss what support you're willing to give him now in the run-up to the move to help get him established - whether that's a rental deposit, helping him find a house share, helping him budget to save, etc. You can't change all your plans just because he's suddenly changed his mind - if he weren't capable of earning, being independent etc I would think differently, but that doesn't seem to be the case here so now your role as a good parent is to help him with the tools to be independent.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/04/2025 11:14

As he's changed his mind about moving I'd ask him were he's going to live Op, mainly to see whether he's thought this out_ does he think you'll give up on moving? If he drives and has 2 jobs he's doing well so with some help he could do OK. I'd give him some life lessons, cooking, washing, to see he knew the basics.

Original poster
4daystobday · 04/04/2025 11:18

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 04/04/2025 11:01

Help him with his rent and bills for a transitional period.

What are his wages? Will he get a mortgage at some point? Will you help him with a deposit?

He only earns minimum wage and he has next to no savings, he might be able to rent a room or a studio flat but I don’t think he’d manage a mortgage. It will be tight for him, but we’re not well off by any means. I agree moving out could be good for him but he will be completely isolated.

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 04/04/2025 11:19

Well he has the choice to go with you, so you’re not leaving him homeless. I have a son with autism and other difficulties so I can see why you’re concerned but if he’s able to work independently and manage day to day then it’s really up to him what he does next. You don’t need to feel bad.