Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

[4daystobday]

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

If, as you say, he is domesticated, then maybe a room in a house, would be the first step. Check out local adverts for rooms to let, you might find one in a family home. He can live independently but within a functioning house. If you go with him to view, you could get an idea of whether they might be willing to keep an eye on him.

I think this needs breaking down into much smaller steps.

Have you been away without him before? If not I would start by you and DH going away ideally for a week. See how he copes and feels by himself. We have just left our capable ASD 18 year old for 3 nights and she was shocked to discover how lonely she found it.

Also consider whether the move just feels unimaginably impossible to him - is he insisting on staying because in his head he CAN'T move, it's too hard? If there is anything like that going on it needs a lot more exploration and scaffolding to get to the right decision for him. This move is impetus to move him onto the next stage towards independence, which is great, but it'll fail if he leaps too far at once.

Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to move with you?
There is another option which is that he moves closer to where you are but perhaps to a closer city if he doesn’t want to move out to the sticks.

This all seems rushed. He has coped well living at home but has no friends or family so no support network. He has no experience of independent living. He may be comparing moving and reality of losing familiar routines of home and work with the familiarity of work and bracketing the reality of the loss of home and known support.

So you move and throw him in at the deep end. He may flourish or he may drown. The worse that could happen is not that he decides to move in with you after all. This is NT thinking. Are you OK either way?

Trial independent living before you move for his sake and your own peace of mind.

If you feel you may be abandoning him you fear he will not be able to cope without support. Listen to these feelings and plan your move accordingly.

OP, we moved 200 miles away from a grown up daughter in her 40's and were still punished for not being there she 'needed us', she felt that we'd abandoned her.

So I think you need to ask him WHY he doesn't want to go with you, and tell him that him deciding he doesn't want to go, won't stop YOU from going, then see what reaction you get. He may say 'in that case I'll come with you', or he may agree to renting a place and trying to live on his own, then you're worrying for no reason.

However, from what you've said about him, the fact he has no friends, etc., in your shoes I wouldn't be happy to leave him on his own. I know you need to live your own lives, we felt the same way, and thought that it was our time, as our daughter was an experienced adult with a home of her own, children, etc., that it would be fine. Unfortunately it wasn't, and ended up making us all VERY unhappy, so the last thing you want is to find that he punishes you for leaving him, and clearly these thoughts aren't rational, as is proved by the way my daughter reacted. I have no experience of his difficulties, but I would also point out, that suicide in young men is rife, and if he finds himself alone and struggling, with no one there to give him a hug, and reassure him that everything's fine, he may well struggle. Sorry, I don't like to be a scaremonger, but just felt I should make you aware of where this could lead.

If your daughter is NT, she is being absolutely ridiculous. 40s! When do parents get to lead their own lives?

You made a plan and have kindly tried to include him. He has decided he won't come, which is his prerogative. You can go ahead and then then leave the possibility of him changing his mind again. Could you start to have firmer conversations around what he'll need to be taking responsibility for, if he stays put?

@Createausername1970 ‘domesticated’ - he’s not a wild animal or a cat. He’s an autistic young man. Not many landlords/ladies would be willing to keep an eye on a young adult with additional needs or have the skills to be able to do so. And why the hell would you trust them?

I absolutely agree with you, you can’t know what it’s like if you haven’t experienced it. We have always encouraged our son to be independent because it’s what he wants too, but it didn’t happen in the easy way it did for our eldest son. Neurodivergence doesn’t resolve itself once they hit adulthood, it just presents them with a different set of potential issues, and as is being shown by some of the replies on here, there is far less empathy and understanding towards adults with ND than there is with children.

I used domesticated in the sense that the lad is currently doing domestic duties.

I am aware he is an autistic young man. I have one of my own at home of a similar age and this is a conversation we have been having and a room in a house was one of the options.

Many landlords wouldn't - but I personally know someone who does have a lodger under these very circumstances. She is very happy to have the lad there, he is less independent than previous lodgers, but far less trouble and far more amenable.

It was a suggestion for OP, don't know why you felt the need to be so arsey with me? Is the saddle on your high horse uncomfortable today?

The fact that you have posted about this tells me you know that you would be abandoning him and that you’re looking for justification and to be excused.

You have a disabled son. Of course you would be abandoning him. How you feel about that is your issue.

I think your son has 2 choices move with you or stay and live on his own. He is an adult and should be moving toward independence but doesn’t have to in your situation as you’re happy to have him move with you.

He has to make that choice. It may not be the options he wants, but adults don’t always get to the luxury of getting preferred options.

I would not give him the option of all of you staying that’s really not fair to you or your DH.

Sorry, can you point out where the OP said her adult son was no longer welcome to come with them?

If he is so disabled he can't live by himself in any capacity, then like any other dependent he will have to live where his carers are willing to support him, or find other forms of support.

Or do you think everyone with a disability should remain with their parents, wherever they want to stay, regardless of the parents wishes?

Your lives will have to diverge at some point. This sounds like a natural time to try that out.

Help him find somewhere to live independently and trial it. It’s time for him to make some decisions of his own.

If he struggles he can always come and join you in the new house. The door isn’t closed. He might need a few try’s before moving out sticks.

Don’t go, he needs you and he is your son.

You need a firm up plan.
« You don’t want to go but we are. We don’t want to go this minute because you just changed your mind but we will go in 12months. » then ask him what his plan is.

Be wary that if it doesn’t work, he might have to come crashing or you being in between…ask the hard questions to your partner…how would he feel if you abandon him once moved him because of your 24years old son? How would he feel if son has changed his mind again and now moves in? How would he feel if you are feeling as you say and can’t really be happy like this?

find the answers before any move or upset and regrets are right the corner.

Sometimes. Now is also just not an option. It is hard but better than down in the drain.

Does he need help job hunting in the new area? Is job hunting too scary?

I don't think it's very helpful to assess a neuro divergent person against neurotypical standards of isolation - he might be happy in solitude rather than lonely and desperate for friends.

But costs wise sounds like it might make sense for him to move with you, assuming he can find work there.

They should most certainly have the option to do so, irrespective of parents’ wishes. You’re a parent for life.

Move without him. He’s 24.
I do understand your concern, and depending on the severity of his asd/adhd I can understand your worries, but you described him as a self sufficient young man.
I was traveling the world and moving to a different country at his age and adhd came with me wherever I went.
Dont let that stop your plans for YOUR future

He most likely is struggling with the thought of change because of his Autism. My daughter was so upset when we were moving now she loves it here. I let her come to the house before we moved to help decorate her bedroom which really helped. Knowing he doesn't have any friends or family that will be there i wouldn't be able to move without him if I was you. Maybe you can take him to the area you would move to and see how he feels about it.

He sounds like he could cope ok. Perhaps he could start looking at a flat or house share?

With special needs!

Unless he wfh he would have to leave his job to move with you. If he’s enjoying his job and it’s not temporary I don’t think you should expect him to give that up, especially if you want him to contribute financially to the ‘housekeeping’,

As another me member here has already said, they were married with a child, whilst with similar neurodevelopmental conditions and PTSD at that age.

I had moved abroad (here) at 21 and was married at 23. Late diagnosed at 48 but still goes to show that being neurodivergent doesn’t mean we can’t live an independent life - maybe it was as a girl growing in the 80s a lot more was expected of you (as kids these days, esp boys).

Another friend with an autistic son also moved away after uni to his new job and though we were worried, is doing well. Help your son spread his own wings.

How can you "abandon" a mature adult who could and should be living by himself? Make your move, OP, and your son can look after himself.

This is a good shout lution. This way your DS gets to move into a shared house and see if he can manage living alone. You wait 1 year and tell D's he either makes it work living alone or he is welcome to come with you. Have you considered he has a job where he is now, what if he moves with you and can't get another job. It's much harder for a person with ADHD and anxiety to get a new job. My own ds has both of these and didn't move out of house me until he was 30 but he was trying to save for a deposit and had COVID too which meant when he was ready to move he had to wait over an extra year. When he moved I had to give lots of support. I picked out houses for him to view, went with him for viewings, sorted out a mortgage for him and gifted him deposit. He saved enough for solicitor and moving expenses and a fridge freezer and general kitchen equipment and towels and bedding. I bought him washing machine, gave him our old suite of furniture and bought him a table and chairs from eBay. I am delighted he made it work for him. He found a job, made friends and after 6 months got a lovely girlfriend. I had to give him a nudge to get him to move out because I probably made him so bloody comfortable at home where he had his own huge room, own shower room, sky TV with sports, movies, Netflix, Disney + and Amazon Prime and I cooked his favourite meals for him.