Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

[4daystobday]

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

You are definitely not abandoning him, I've seen where a family member has kept their son at home with similar needs at 30, and has not been supported to do basic life skills, he will never reach his full potential as everything is done for him. Your son just needs some help to find suitable accommodation, once set up he will have more responsibilities and will enjoy being more independent with his own home to take care of. You will always be available for advice and he can always visit. Love him but let him go!

I responded to your use of exclamation marks. You used them to indicate how unreasonable you thought it was that he was living at home at 24 when you at that age were married.

I used a phrase with a swear word in it to indicate how unreasonable I thought that was.

Your post added nothing constructive to the discussion - it simply conferred judgement.

Are his problems of sufficient degree to make him a Vulnerable Adult who might qualify for support from SSD? - meagre though it might be. At least if he is on their books he could get hold of them if a crisis happened.

If I were you I would help get him set up in a house share or a studio flat asap. Stay where you are living for 6-12 months so that you are around if he needs any additional support while he transitions to independence. Then look to move once he is settled.

MN is a funny place. One minute parents are getting chastised for interfering in the decisions of their semi adult kids ie they are adults and free to choose and then the next minute they are being made to feel guilty for expecting to be able to get on with their own lives.

Your son has a choice independent of your choice. You are moving and if doesnt want to go with you then that is his choice.

Actually, these days I find nearly all posters on MN expect parents to provide housing for their DC as long as they wish. Because they didn't ask to be born. In some cases, parents are also expected to provide housing for their DC's partners.

I expect the compromise here, OP, is that you delay by 6 months and settle your son into a house share or flat. I would probably do that. And I would also keep a room in my new home for him.

It doesn’t sound like he’s any way ready to live independently, despite his age. You can’t expect him to just get on with it.

Go. You can’t let him stop you moving. He’ll continue to manipulate your lives if you let that happen.

I don't think you are abandoning. However, I think it is helpful to prepare him to live independently. This is something you should do irrespective of where you'll live.

Is he an only child? My ds(almost 22) is asd and is currently at university. He lives in a shared house but only a 15 minute drive away from dd1 (married with dc). It gives me peace of mind that he has her near him and if he is struggling he can contact her. He doesn't really have any friends.

I also have a young adult with ASD, but how autism affects someone is very very individual and personal to them.
You are a loving and competent parent.
You know your son best.
Trust in your own judgements.
You will do what's right.
And if independent living doesn't work out for him, he can always move home.

So it may be but parents are still allowed lives once they are grown

I'd talk to him about where he's going to live and look at bedsits/rooms for rent. Work out a plan. He'll have to decide if he's living alone and if he can afford it. If his finances won't support him, then he'll have to look at working full time.

From what you've said there doesn't seem to be anything to keep him where he is but he might not see it that way.

Is that it was an abstract thing but now reality & he dpesn't want anything to change?

Either way it will-either by him coming with you or staying where he is & setting up alone.

Are there any other siblings nearby? Does he have hobbies (other than gym) which can build up his social network?

Do a soft move out. Get him set up and stay put for 6mths to see how he’s getting on. If he’s coping, follow through with your plan. If not, reassess what help he needs.

Yes. I have autism.

I'm on the fence about this one OP but it's probably because of my own experiences!

I'm an autistic adult. 30 soon. I moved out as soon as I could at 18 but I didn't live alone, and it was still so much harder than when I had lived at home even though I was able to manage most daily living activities at that point.

Through circumstances that just happen in life I'm no longer able to manage or cope with a lot of things and I live back home with my grandmother and uncle and I need significant help with daily living tasks.

I think at 24 I would have been seen as very capable and I'd have burnt myself out to continue appearing so.

I do think it's sensible to move him out first and continue to offer support for a period of time before moving yourself but I also know from experience it can take years before further support needs present themselves when you're no longer able to cater to them.

I'm not your son though and only you know what his current support needs are and how you accomodate them and whether or not he is likely able to put systems in place to allow him to live independently.

Minimum wage solo living is also a nightmare for everyone doing it, but there are additional hidden costs with autism that he may not qualify for additional financial social support with if he has had his needs accomodated for so far.

My biggest struggles as a young adult though were social and how gullible, vulnerable and naive I was as I was also very young for my age. It meant that I ended up taking poor financial advice from people who weren't really qualified, in desperation due to being in a minimum wage job that has landed me thousands in debt which my family never expected to happen to me.

Whatever you decide to do I don't think you should rush any of these decisions. I do think supporting a transition for him to live independently on a trial basis is a good idea, and take as much time to build a support network for him as needed.

I don't think you would even question if it was abandonment if he was already living on his own. Help him find somewhere and settle and then go!

What from the OP and her subsequent posts suggests that? He works, has a side hustle, drives a car, and can cook and clean up after himself. Aside from the ASD and ADHD, what else suggests that?

Personally - saying this without knowing your son @4daystobday, I think the ASD/ADHD worry is filling up too much brain space. I'm pretty sure most 24 year olds who have a cushty life at home would also be hesitant to move out if it meant all of a sudden they might have to live somewhere less comfy than their family home, and spend some of their own money on it, to boot!

It's not abandoning him to move and help him transition into life as a solo adult. I'm not saying just wave him goodbye and let him do what he will - he's still your son, and you can still support him however you wish. But don't put your life on hold because he's got cold feet about moving with you.

This. Our eldest was in this position and didn’t want to move despite working and having mass savings and us being willing to gift him a large quantity to money to buy and someone and help him with a mortgage. It was a bit tough but we told him it was happening and he would have a year to rent or buy but would move out one way or another. He then wanted petrol money (45 minutes drive to work) despite living rent free and wfh x2-3 a week - that was a hard no. He lives with us but he must be out by Christmas - he will be nearly 25 by then. My cut off is 25.

He told us ‘it wasn’t working out’ after an argument about the mess left downstairs- no shit Sherlock and when told to pack and go he admitted that he wanted us to beg him to stay. He pays something towards bills but DH has been pretty slack and now we are tightening up. It has been a huge step up as DH has worried and micromanages him and son has a role of learned helplessness. Eg he’s been told to make a chicken casserole and he wants DH to get the chicken and tell him how exactly to do etc and recently DH has followed my advice to step back and just say ‘you have your phone and google’ and let him crack on. He gets the chicken and does it and makes a mess but again DH has learnt to step back and not clear up after him. He won’t learn if we do everything. It doesn’t help that his two friends (he has two) from school don’t pay anything to live at home with their parents despite both working - but gradually we are encouraging him out of his comfort zone!

He has a top degree from a top university. His Uncle also has ASC but he has never had a job or lived away and now DH’s Mum is over 80 and still looking after DH’s brother despite having the ability to do so. He says he doesn’t want to end up like his uncle and I do not want DH or I to be cleaning up after him. Middle and youngest are totally different and want to be off - university etc and out.

Eldest recently was offered a swap - he wanted to upgrade his tiny car and it would be suitable for middle so he offered him our car (very nice Mercedes) as we are getting a new one if he gifted his tiny car to middle. He said no - reason doesn’t want to increase his insurance (told middle this was the reason and wanted us to pay the insurance) so we are calling his bluff and offering middle one the Mercedes.

Likewise we moved to a really nice area - and a really nice house and he has mooted going back to his old town but has no friends there etc

I do not support adult children (diagnosis or not, eldest is ASC diagnosed as is middle and I’m ASC and ADHD), if capable of living independently- living at home it is not good for them. Our eldest can go bird watching trips abroad so he isn’t helpless but he’s not daft and he won’t move out unless told to - this is the point I have reached and thank goodness Dh is on board.

So he had a choice move out and be a lodger by whatever date or come - either way you are going. He has his life and you have yours.

He’s a 24 year old adult, I don’t understand the hesitation.

Realistically it sounds like he can’t afford to stay behind.

You're not abandoning him because you're prepared to take him with you.

He's changed his mind on coming with you, which he's entitled to do, but he can't also expect you to change your plans now.

Your DS should think himself lucky as an adulr he still has a room in your house, but the location of the house is up to you.

I think if you leave him now you’ll regret it.

Cant you postpone to move a year or two?