Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

[4daystobday]

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

He's 24. An adult with 2 jobs, who can drive. You can help him find somewhere to live, but you can't change your life plans to suit you adult children. Sooner or later, he'd leave home anyway.

He has 2 choices. Stay living where he is now, on his own. Or move with you.

At least he has a choice!

He has the option to go with them

He is 24. I’d be asking him what his plan is. I am relocating next year when youngest DC is 18. They will be going to uni anyway, but they know i’m definitely moving. DD can stay with DS and his gf if she wants to go to a London uni, but otherwise knows her new home will be 250 miles away. I have given 31yrs to parenting, always put myself last and stayed in an expensive area renting for 15yrs since I split with ex. Unless I rent forever I have to move, and I don’t feel guilty.

Perhaps a little bit. Seeing as he’s quite alone otherwise and has apparently not been able to make close friends. He will probably miss you a great deal and be very lonely. Having said this though if you really want to go then you can always just hope he has the good sense to follow you if he finds he’s really struggling and gets very low. You’ll need to keep reminding him that the offer is always open.

I agree with others about helping him transition to independent living before you actually move.

My friend’s DS lived at home until he was 30. He works FT and like your DS does not have an active social life.
He is now living in his own place, but still often comes for meals, or they pop in to him.

Sorry but I think I need to be blunt. He works, has a side hustle. He's not confined to his bed. He's made a decision. He wants to stay he's 24 not 14.

What your going to run your entire life around your son? He gets put before your happiness, plans, dreams. He's a grown man.

One day, hopefully not for years, you are not going to be here. We all die. So move, let your son be independent, when there is still a safety net available. I was 17 when mum died and 24 when dad did. I had no safety net, your son does let him go now when you can step in if needed

I see some posters are saying “ oh he’s an adult “ “ oh by 24 years old I was working , had kids , managed a home “
An adult that age with autism/ adhd may not be able to manage without support.
Someone above suggested that he could move out temporarily while you and your husband are still in the same city and see what support you can set up for him .
That is a really good idea
Then he can make a decision based on how he manages alone while you are still nearby .
Another poster said that you’re entitled to live your life how you want to , oh how I wish that were true !
Well actually life doesn’t necessarily work out that way for us who have adult children with different SEN needs / autism / learning difficulties/ learning disabilities.
He sounds more capable than my adult “ child “ ( who is autistic with a mild learning disability)

Great advice

I think a lot of posters don’t have experience of having a DC who is AuDHD.

In maturity terms he’s likely to be functioning at around 19 years. So unfortunately yes, it does sound as though you are abandoning him.

My youngest also has AuDHD and I honestly can’t envisage a time where we’ll be able to move away, even though that was what we had planned for retirement too.

Can you plan a few holidays to DH’s town? I know it’s not the sane as living there but it will give you both a break and give DS a time to practice being independent in a safe way

If he's 19 emotionally, STILL an adult.

Honestly, previous generations managed to be independent much younger. I left home and went to London for work at 17. Was it hard? Yes. Did I ever go back home? No.

There are ways to ease his independence but it isn't abandonment. His parents will die one day. He needs to be independent by then or he'll be screwed. This is one step on the way to independence while still having parents to help out if things get hard.

Can I ask what experience of people with AuDHD you have?

You would not be abandoning him at all. He would be welcome to move with you. He would be making the choice to live independently from you. Which is entirely different! And in fact should be encouraged / celebrated.

My adult son. Very similar situation years ago. I supported him in finding his first place and then supported him through 2 further moves from a distance and visited when I was able.

Also a good friend in a similar situation at the moment.

Do I pass your test?
(edited for poor grammar)

There was no test?

Clearly and very obviously, the test was to see if A) I had experience of this and B) If that made me qualified to actually hold an opinion.

Do you have SEN?
If not, what's the relevance?
He may be 24 physically but perhaps not emotionally or mentally?

It's doable. I have ASD and moved out of home (in fact over a thousand miles away) when I was eighteen. Sure I screwed up a lot but I learned. How else are you meant to learn to live independently?

Exactly. We all aim for our children to be independent.

In a word, yes.
If you are determined to move then help him find his own place where you live now and help him settle in. Assuming he copes OK for, say, 6 months you could then move yourselves. But be warned, small rural towns are very different now from how they were over 30 years ago.

Only you know @4daystobday how much his life is impacted by his autism and adhd. The spectrum is wide and so impacts people differently.

Some posters will comment based on no idea of sen needs and others will have some experience but not know your son.

Practically speaking, the move out from you to a form of independent living, supported living or something else that suits prior to your move would be best. Practical steps to plan how this will happen and when so he is settled before you move away, would be imo best.

I was thinking this too - but then thought about my own audhd child (19) and I know if we were close by, he wouldn't try hard enough to make it work. Having to cook, clean etc, as well as live out of the home he's used to, would be too difficult knowing his home is right there to return to.

OP, I think you need to move away and he gives it a proper go. If he's not coping, he can move to where you are.

I think you seem quite determined to have strong opinions on what I’ve posted but I’ve no idea why?

From your experience it seems that you would be quite happy to leave a DC with AuDHD and I also have a DC but would not be happy to leave them. They work and study but I’m aware of all of the hidden support we have to provide in order for them to function successfully out of the house.

It is a spectrum though and your DC will obviously have different support needs from mine and from the OPs.

Don't ever make the mistake of thinking 'he's 24, he's a grown man, he'll be fine'. Put the move back for a year while he tries living in a shared house (that way he will have company, if not friends). And always keep a room for him and remind him that it is not a failure to change his mind and join you.
I made the wrong decisions and there are no second chances.

Why doesn’t he have savings? Has he been paying rent to you?
My dd doesn’t pay rent (she’s 19 and also has additional needs) but she’s saved over 10k on a minimal wage job.
I think it’s time for a reality check, he’s an adult and life isn’t free 🤷‍♀️

For these posters who say the OP is abandoning him and should not consider moving because of his SEN. Would you not consider then that the OP has the final decision in what goes on here in her family’s life and where they live. Why does a ‘child’ who cannot function as an adult have the final decision on where the family live?

OP if your son is truly so disabled that he cannot function alone as an adult where you currently live then I suggest you move, insist that he moves with you and do what you’ve already done and help him adjust to his new life where you are as his carers.

I can’t say what’s right for you and your son but as a person with ASD I thought I could simply move city and go to university and was very excited to. However I ended up basically having a breakdown and was stuck in my room unable to fave going into the shared kitchen to eat unless everyone was out. I ended up suspending my studies and going home. I wasn’t even diagnosed then and had no idea. Like your son, I could drive and had had a part time job at school. But in the end living independently (even though at home I did my laundry and generally did my share of all the housework, I had a boyfriend and had all the indications of thrive at university. I did go back and attain my degree in the end but I’d have done better had I started university in my home town and then moved onto a flat with friends in the second year. Or even if my parents moved with me (totally impractical as the worked and none of us wanted that.

Long story short with a sudden change to living independently (and I presume moving house as i imagine you are selling your home to move as you were expecting him to come too), he may struggle to cope and end up losing his job and potentially causing you to decide to move back to support him, or have him move to you and potentially not recover for months or years to the point of his current function (working etc).

I strongly suggest a more gradual plan - can he move into his own place while you are still living there so you can be around to support his transition, before you move away? It’s not him not being able to cope without you, it’s making the changes gradually and in a manageable way. You won’t want to risk him being unstablised by the changes gradually or risk the guilt of that ruining your new start.

From experience him changing his mind about
moving is a clue he is resisting the change even though he may actually want to move. The other option is exploring how to support him moving forwards to the move with you.

You can still make the move, with or without him, but I strongly suggest easing the transition