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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

178 replies

4daystobday · 04/04/2025 10:39

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/04/2025 11:19

You need to be super clear that you are moving so he needs to move out. He's 24, not a young 18 year old, he has to accept that you have a plan and will be following that through. At 24, I do think he needs to stand on his own feet and hopefully you have taught him how to do so.

Cognacsoft · 04/04/2025 11:20

Is your dh sure he will not regret moving back to his home town?
It will be very different after 30 years.
As for your ds he has to be independent one day.

Original poster
4daystobday · 04/04/2025 11:22

Daleksatemyshed · 04/04/2025 11:14

As he's changed his mind about moving I'd ask him were he's going to live Op, mainly to see whether he's thought this out_ does he think you'll give up on moving? If he drives and has 2 jobs he's doing well so with some help he could do OK. I'd give him some life lessons, cooking, washing, to see he knew the basics.

He’s actually always been very good around the house and does his own washing, and even cooking (only because he’s on a special body building diet and won’t eat what we have)

OP posts:
Original poster
4daystobday · 04/04/2025 11:25

I’m sure in reality he’d be just fine, it’s just how it might look to him if we leave him. He’s a very young 24 so it will be a shock but I think he’ll surprise himself and manage.

OP posts:
Jasmin71 · 04/04/2025 11:26

If he is the one that is dependent then he doesn't get to decide where he lives. Sorry to be blunt but you will only end up resenting each other if you don't carry on with your own plans. He either moves with you if he wants taking care of, or sets himself up where you are now.

purplecorkheart · 04/04/2025 11:30

Could he find a short-term room let for say three months or so while you are still living in the area? He will get the idea of what it would be like working/running his side hustle/daily life living away from home/sharing space with others while you are still nearby in case of crisis. You would have to be tough and not bail him out over small thing and limit access to your house a bit so he can experience what it is like when you move.

loropianalover · 04/04/2025 11:30

4daystobday · 04/04/2025 11:25

I’m sure in reality he’d be just fine, it’s just how it might look to him if we leave him. He’s a very young 24 so it will be a shock but I think he’ll surprise himself and manage.

What do you mean by how it might look to him? Is he under the impression that if he no longer wants to go, then you and DH won’t be going either? Is he aware of the fact that you’ll be selling the house and he cannot stay there?

Have you sat down and spoken about his change of mind - why was he keen at first and now doesn’t want to go?

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 11:30

Tell him you’re serious about moving and will help him find accommodation and move if he decides to stay. Talk about whether he’d prefer to share of live alone. It could be a good experience for him.

Whooowhooohoo · 04/04/2025 11:31

I would not leave him without proper housing or support.

Can you get Adult Social Care involved re: housing and support, both financial and helping him become independent?

RaspberryBeretxx · 04/04/2025 11:31

I don't think you'd be abandoning him at all. He can choose to move with you if he wishes. Would he be able to get a new job and do side hustle etc in your new location? When you say he would be isolated if he moved out, does he have any friends/contacts where you are now?

If he's working full time (even min wage) and has a side hustle, how come he has no savings?

Can you look into accommodation types and prices and maybe he can move out for a while and you stay in current house nearby to support for a limited period. Either he will find it's OK and he is happy to stay there OR he'll be willing to move with you. I think you should move either way.

Chungai · 04/04/2025 11:40

I'd worry about him being very isolated.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/04/2025 11:41

Maybe this is the push he needs. He needs to be independent at some point - you won’t be around for ever, that’s just reality. Talk to him about options, support him all you can, but defo don’t let this stop you moving, it’s your lives too.

Goldbar · 04/04/2025 11:41

He's either an independent adult or he's not. If he's not independent, then yes, he has a home with you but that's where you are and he doesn't get to dictate to you where you should live. If you view him as a child, well children don't get to dictate their parents' life choices. If he's an independent adult, he can move out and live separately if he doesn't want to come to the new house.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/04/2025 11:44

He’s 24 but with ASD his mental age will be lower.

Can you move him out before you go so you’re nearby for the first few months?

user1492757084 · 04/04/2025 11:56

Can you leave your son in your home while you and DH go to the new town for a couple of months to be certain that you want to live there.
Once you are sure, help your son move out before you go.

Set up a bedroom for him and encourage son to visit at least once a month so that he still very much has your support. Encourage him to bring friends with him.

CautiousLurker01 · 04/04/2025 11:57

FuckYouTony · 04/04/2025 10:47

I think at 24, even with the SEN, he could live independently especially having his own income. You could help set that up with him, finding a flat etc, so you know he's secure.
You're not abandoning him though. He's a grown man.

This, but also let him know that the option to join you in your new home/change jobs is always there if he finds going it alone doesn’t work?

I have two DCs with ASD/ADHD. One I think will be fine, the other may need ongoing support from time to time. Although we are planning a retirement independently of them, there will always be a room for each and scope to come home if needed, just as was the case for my DH in his parents’ home (we did move in when buying a house with a new baby for 5 months for example).

MojoMoon · 04/04/2025 11:58

One day you will die. So he does need a path towards independent living.

I suggest that you sit and down discuss with him. Let him take the lead about what he might want to do - don't immediately start organising things for him. Guide and suggest - don't tell and do.

I would aim to have him moved out well before you move away from the city so you are there nearby to help with the transition.

He is working, driving and clearly going to the gym and following a diet that he has planned. So he can do this.

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 12:01

ThejoyofNC · 04/04/2025 10:58

You're not abandoning him, he has the option to come with you but is choosing not to. I'd let him know that if whatever he puts in place doesn't work out, then he's free to change his mind and join you later.

This! You have to live your own life at some stage.

Hoplolly · 04/04/2025 12:03

He's 24, he's an adult and at some point needs to branch out on his own? No time like the present!

CorrectionCentre · 04/04/2025 12:05

MellowPinkDeer · 04/04/2025 10:54

This!!

I was married by the time I was 24! He’s a fully grown adult!

Show quote history

Has it crossed your mind that as an adult with asd and adhd he might be living at the maximum of his independence (i.e. able to work) as a direct result of having support via living at home?

Of course its possible he could live away from home with or even without support. I dont know. And you certainly dont! OP and her dh can explore that one with their ds and as some sensible pps have suggested, make a small steps plan with him to support and evaluate.

Your ability to live independently at 24 @MellowPinkDeer means fuck all in connection with OP's ds.

MojoMoon · 04/04/2025 12:05

You could gently help by doing some research:

  1. Is he receiving any support/benefits? PIP etc? If not, is he potentially eligible?
  2. Council housing lists - encourage him to get registered. I'm not an expert but if he has official diagnosis and additional support eligibility, he may be in a higher band for housing.
  3. What is his income and what is the rent for a private studio flat in the city you live in? Would be eligible for local housing allowance top up if he is on a low income?

Your job as a parent is to prepare your children to be able to live successfully after you are dead.

Please stop worrying about how it looks if you move - this is part of a process of him being able to live without you.

Gassylady · 04/04/2025 12:08

Whooowhooohoo · 04/04/2025 11:31

I would not leave him without proper housing or support.

Can you get Adult Social Care involved re: housing and support, both financial and helping him become independent?

Good lord surely you do not think he meets the threshold for or would benefit from social care involvement. He holds down a job, has a side gig, has managed to pass his driving test, goes to the gym, can do his washing and cooks!

What he wouod benefit from is a wider social network but the gym, work, perhaps living in a house share and maybe something like a board game cafe would help with that.

OP I would sit down with him and look at the finances for house shares or being a lodger locally. If he no longer wants to move with you guys, and of course no guarantee he would find another job if he did, important to look at ways to male it doable for him.

Fingernailbiter · 04/04/2025 12:09

4daystobday · 04/04/2025 11:25

I’m sure in reality he’d be just fine, it’s just how it might look to him if we leave him. He’s a very young 24 so it will be a shock but I think he’ll surprise himself and manage.

It would be unreasonable for his preference to be the deciding factor in your decision. I understand that it’s difficult, but you’re not abandoning him. He has a choice. If he decided to stay and go it alone, and for whatever reason that was not successful, I assume he could always move back in with you in your new home.

DaisyChain505 · 04/04/2025 12:16

If he’s 24, working and living at home, why doesn’t he have any savings?

I would be more concerned about why he doesn’t have the skills in place set up to support himself or manage his money correctly.

Plenty of adults with ASD/ADHD can function day to day independently and live alone and you can’t be expected to house him or put your life on hold forever.

He either moves with you or stands on his own two feet, he doesn’t get to dictate what you do. Get him involved in some community groups for adults similar to himself and look into some money managing courses etc.

lazycats · 04/04/2025 12:17

24 is quite old to use that kind of language. You’re not abandoning him, he can still follow if he wants or get by on his own.

At what point would you expect him to move out even if you stayed?

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