Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

[4daystobday]

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

Of course he can, but you make it sound like it’s the easiest thing in the world, a lot of ND people are very resistant to change, it causes them huge anxiety and stress. It can’t just be achieved in an instant.

What you want as the parent of a child/adult that is ND is not always possible, it depends on the severity of the condition. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just sometimes the way it is.

I’m in a similar situation with my youngest showing no signs of moving out and he’s 26! He suffers from severe depression and quite isolated and I’m not sure I could move and leave him. I know I’m possibly in the minority here though. If your DS has changed his mind about moving though that is different as he moved the goalposts. Maybe ask him to outline his plans for when you leave and help him settle, knowing that if it doesn’t work out he would still have a home with you in your new town. Good luck

You can't be abandoning him when you're willing to continue housing him. He just doesn't want to come with you, which is fine.

As the parent of an adult DS with ASD who has just moved into his own home, I'd agree with others who have said, move him out first and get him settled and sorted before you move away. My DS has lived away from home for Uni but came back after and lived at home. He was keen to move out and be independent though so he was saving up for a deposit on a house. He's now achieved that dream and moved 5 miles away. But, the number of times I've said to DH in the last few months, thank goodness he's only a few miles away and not 200 (as he was at Uni) when there's been problems - although if he'd been renting they would have been the landlord's problems to sort.

You are not abandoning your DS. Just see it as preparing him for the future.

Just move but somewhere with room for him to move in if he changes his mind.
24 is old enough if he has a job, a car etc. Moving out might give him some friends and housemates too and enable him to start his own life. If he doesnt like it he will always have a room to come back to live with you.

He's probably doing the things he does ie work/drive etc because of your support and maybe micro-managing. Withdraw that support and he could crumble. If he could move in with friends/relatives who wouldn't take advantage of him and would help, then fine.
Agree with others, best thing would be to get him set up and see how it goes before moving away. If it doesn't work then he has to move with you.
A lot of posters don't realise the impact of ASD especially combined with ADHD.

He has decided not to move with you. You didn't make that decision for him.

I agree, some people are really simplifying what is a complicated situation. On the face of it my ds is an intelligent, high achiever who is quite independent. Scratch the surface and it's not that easy. He is really great at facing his anxiety and putting himself in new situations but it takes a toll on him. Baby steps is really needed here.

It's hard. I know myself that when I think to the future a part of me is always going to have to consider ds in a way that parents with kids without a disability won't have to. That's just life though, it isn't the same and that's that.

Even with ASD people still need to learn how to cope with life It's obviously not that severe as he works drives goes to gym etc.

It's unreasonable to expect parents to put their lives on hold indefinitely

Do you have SEN?

If not, what's the relevance?

He may be 24 physically but perhaps not emotionally or mentally?

Does he expect you to put the move on hold now that he has withdrawn? What has he actually said about the next steps?

Because “I’m not moving full stop” is different to “I’m not moving but I might seek out a house share”. He needs to offer solutions rather than just putting his foot down.

Would the house sale provide you with sufficient money to buy a small mortgaged flat that he could rent from you, with the rent covering the mortgage?

Abandoning is not providing a home or financial support. You are doing both.

When do you plan on helping your son to become an independent adult OP? Surely this is vital, considering you won’t be around to look after him forever?

My DD also has ADHD and is definitely neurodivergent, as am I, (and is the same age as your DS) but I insist on pushing her out of her comfort zone regularly to ensure she doesn’t fester in the ‘easy life’ zone. I had to help DD to find a place to live but she’s settled now and very happy - although she visits us FAR more than I did my parents at her age!

160 miles can be very easy or an absolute nightmare.

Think London to York, 210 miles - sub 2 hrs by train, super easy.

London to Ludlow, 170 miles - 3hrs + by train. Car c 4 hrs - shorter distance, much more difficult journey

You're clearly worried about how he will get on. Sounds like he needs the opportunity to be independent, and to realise just because he doesn't want to go doesn't mean it's not happening. But the distance could be difficult for both him and you

If the offer for him to come with you still remains then you are not abandoning him.

So ask him what he plans to do when you move (not if. When.)

If he has assumed this means you won't move, you'll fix that quickly, explain there is still a room for him if he wants to come with but you are moving. Then it is up to him.

Blimey, not sure there’s any need for bad language! This clearly hits a nerve for you.

edited to say, I also have ADHD and ASD.

Alot of people focusing on the ASD and ADHD but he has a job, a "side hustle" and he drives, there a MILLIONS of people in this world with no additional needs or diagnosis who can mange just one did those things never mind all 3. He is clearly high functioning and independent and it sounds like your using him as an excuse. Get him a flat, get him a budget planner and get the fk out of dodge.

Our family had almost the same situation. My brother with ASD rented a small flat on his own. Less than 2 years later he moved in with my mum in the new house 🤣

There are ND men where I work who live alone and they are hugely overweight -living on takeaways. Sounds like you’re son is aware of keeping fit so might be ok but running a home, keeping the fridge full, paying bills, not that easy.

edit -but he will be on his own at some point in his life

Why does being ND give you a free pass to not consider that someone else's situation is different from yours?

I’m two years older than him and have ASD and have a whole family of my own. I know it’s hard and each person with ASD is different, but unless you’re leaving something out he would probably be fine. If he can do body building, he has discipline, so I actually think with the right help he will thrive.

I left at 17 and lived close to my family, this is what helped me. I know it’s different, but one or two of them may help.
My mum gave me a grocery list of the stuff she brought, brand and everything. I used to be a bit fussy, so having it really helped, I could eat the exact same thing I’d been eating at home for most of my life. Because of your sons diet I’m guessing this won’t help for food, but she also put on there the cleaning products and I still use the exact same ones to this day because I’m used to the smell. Smell is a big thing for me.
Get him a white board. One of each room. They are ugly, and I hate the way they look but I cannot live without them to this day. Thank you Jesus for whiteboards.
My mum made me a days of the week cleaning schedule, my dad made me one of all the tasks he did like testing the smoke alarm and things like that with how often he did them. He also got me a set of tools with a bunch of written instructions on how to use them. Yes they came with instructions, but him writing it in a way I could understand really helps. I still use my mum’s schedule to this day, but now all the jobs I don’t like DH does.
For the first six months I did call them at all hours of the day crying and asking questions. One night I showed up at my dad’s house at 3AM because my kitchen flooded and I had a meltdown, but it was all fine in the end.

And why are you allowed to swear at me ? Honestly, it’s really unnecessary how aggressive you are.

the Op was detail light in her initial post. I responded from my perspective. You decided to be rude. I have relevant experience and I’m allowed to have an opinion.

I know l have an ASD daughter.

They don’t always cope no matter how much you want them too

You need to get on with your life and he needs to grow into his.
Stick to your plans. If he can’t cope he can always change his mind and join you.

A similar sort of thing happened with my parents and older sister.

I was already moved out, and was about 23 at the time. My older sister was 26/27. She has Autism, but is high-functioning, and had a long-term job and a boyfriend. He was also on the spectrum, but undiagnosed, and generally higher functioning than her, not to mention almost a decade older.

According to my parents, she was treating the house like a hotel. Out working all day (fair enough) and then sitting in her room all evening, unwilling/unable to spend any time with our parents.

Our parents (who were both retired), decided they wanted to move 2 hours way to the countryside, and sister wasn't invited to come with them. They basically said, if she wanted to live in her own place like a hotel, she was more than welcome to, but not with them.

In the end she moved in with her boyfriend, who had his own house, and some 15 years later they are still living together and seemingly very happy. Although it seems more like a friendship than a relationship.

You are being very nice to consider your DS in this OP. But if he's holding down a job, plus a side hustle, drives and is basically functioning, it probably is time he grew up and moved out.