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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this seem like I’m abandoning 24 year old son?

178 replies

4daystobday · 04/04/2025 10:39

Dh grew up in a rural town and while we have lived in our current city for the last 30 years, the plan for some time now has been to move back to his home town.
Ds 24 has changed his mind and doesn’t want to move now, he still lives at home and has asd/adhd he has a job, drives and a side hustle that keeps him busy so he potentially could manage by himself but has never shown signs of planning to move out although I know he’s not managing to save much so has no long term plan.
He also doesn’t have any close friends or any other family here.
AIBU to think we could still move without him or would that look like abandoning him? He was keen to move with us until recently and I won’t pretend we’re not very disappointed.
I think he thought if he decides not to come the move will not happen but I think we’ve got our hearts set on this move now but Ds has never lived independently and does get a lot of anxiety.
It’s 160 miles.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 04/04/2025 12:23

You ask him now what his plans are, as he now does not want to move with you.

This. He can change his mind but obviously he will then need to house himself. Get him to look at local rentals and see what money he'll have leftover.

If he is eating special food due to working out-can he afford that on top of rent, council tax, water, electricity, gas, insurance, internet, phone, travel etc etc?

What sort of conversation have you had with him?

Comedycook · 04/04/2025 12:26

I would have said you should definitely move if he was nt and had other family and good friends nearby....but, given the circumstances, I wouldn't, just yet. But I would focus on helping to live independently so perhaps you can fulfill this dream at a later date.

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 12:27

If he can't be independent he can move with them. Which was the plan.

Watermill · 04/04/2025 12:34

What is his plan if he doesn’t come with you? He might be absolutely fine in a house share.

If he isn’t, he will have to come and live in your new house won’t he?

Christwosheds · 04/04/2025 12:37

BlueskyCherrytrees · 04/04/2025 10:49

If you haven’t actually bought a house yet why not plan an intermediary stage?

Move your DS out into his own place while you are still in the local area and then move yourselves once he’s settled.

This seems a good idea .

Mnetcurious · 04/04/2025 12:38

Move, just make it clear that he will always have the choice to live with you.

Unrelated38 · 04/04/2025 12:38

He can move with you or house himself. He doesn't get to tell you where to live.

At 24 I was married with my own home running a company. He's living really no different to a 16 year old and I don't think that's benefiting him. A house share would be much better. Chicks need to leave the nest to learn to fly and some need a little push.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/04/2025 12:40

I think he needs to move out as soon as possible and you should delay your move for a year until he has found his feet and is used to living alone. If he doesn't find his feet then he needs to come with you. It's too much to have to support go from all to nothing overnight.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/04/2025 12:40

Unrelated38 · 04/04/2025 12:38

He can move with you or house himself. He doesn't get to tell you where to live.

At 24 I was married with my own home running a company. He's living really no different to a 16 year old and I don't think that's benefiting him. A house share would be much better. Chicks need to leave the nest to learn to fly and some need a little push.

Did you have ASD though?

NatureOverNightclubs · 04/04/2025 12:41

He's an adult, if it's that bad coping on his own he'll just have to join you later down the line.

waterrat · 04/04/2025 12:41

I personally don't think I'd move that far from my autistic child (I have one..) - especially as the first leap out of home.

cheezncrackers · 04/04/2025 12:42

No, I don't think you're abandoning him at all. I would ask him if he thinks that by saying he won't come that you just won't move. I would assure him that you are going to move, that he is still welcome to come with you, but that you'll help him to get set up in a house share or a studio flat or whatever before you leave. He's going to have to become independent at some point, so it may as well by now, if that's what he is choosing. But I think I'd make sure that he knows that that is what he is choosing and try to make the transition as painless as possible.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/04/2025 12:42

MellowPinkDeer · 04/04/2025 10:54

This!!

I was married by the time I was 24! He’s a fully grown adult!

Show quote history

He’s also autistic which puts a different perspective on the matter. A bit of compassion is needed here.

MagpiePi · 04/04/2025 12:45

He should at least be contributing equally to household bills and buying his own food if he is on a special diet.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/04/2025 12:46

Some of the replies on here are really flippant. The OP’s son is neurodivergent, it isn’t the same as having a child with no additional needs. Even as adults they need support. I personally wouldn’t do it, and we have always encouraged our ND son to be independent, but I wouldn’t want to live that far away from him.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/04/2025 12:48

MagpiePi · 04/04/2025 12:45

He should at least be contributing equally to household bills and buying his own food if he is on a special diet.

Edited

’he still lives at home and has asd/adhd’

Right here.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2025 12:49

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/04/2025 12:46

Some of the replies on here are really flippant. The OP’s son is neurodivergent, it isn’t the same as having a child with no additional needs. Even as adults they need support. I personally wouldn’t do it, and we have always encouraged our ND son to be independent, but I wouldn’t want to live that far away from him.

It depends how neurodivergent surely? Plenty of adults with ASD and ADHD live independently and don't have a lower mental age as somebody suggested.

Loopytiles · 04/04/2025 12:50

With autism and adhd what are the nature and extents of his support needs?

Is it even realistic for him to live independently now or within a few years, with preparation and support?

what would the local jobs and any other opportunities, eg gym and other services he currently uses, be like in your preferred location?

PayingItBack · 04/04/2025 12:51

A mortgage is quite often cheaper than renting, what are property prices like in the area, could he afford to buy a small flat? Would you make enough when selling your home to gift him a small deposit?

That won't work if you are in London or the SE but up north it could be possible...

Ultimately the plan is to move, if he chooses not to go with you then that's his choice. You will help him get settled but you won't be changing your plans.

If he has ASD he might be anxious about the change and think that it is all move or everything stays the same, ie you won't go without him When he realises that isn't the case and there will be change either way, he might reconsider going with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2025 12:56

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/04/2025 12:42

He’s also autistic which puts a different perspective on the matter. A bit of compassion is needed here.

Show quote history

He can move with them! As he’d agreed to. Do you think OP shouldn’t live where she wants to?

chakrakkhan · 04/04/2025 12:56

So many ignorant comments about neurodivergent people on this post. Not all neurodivergent people are unable to live independently. I have autism. I have a degree, a decent job and am married with a family. I’ve moved out of home when I was 21.I certainly don’t have a ‘lower mental age’, how fucking insulting and completely wrong! The OP hasn’t elaborated on her sons ASD/ADHD so presumably feels he is able to cope living alone.

Whooowhooohoo · 04/04/2025 12:56

ASD/ADHD … we just don’t know which things will be a challenge and his he will manage thru challenges.
Hes doing great might also be vulnerable to other people so want uk be certain he is in safe place & has some support network.

He’s doing great within the current situation, a transition plan is needed with his buy-in of course.

Suggest maybe OP seek advice from ASD organisations.

OP and don need to work on this together.

WhatColourIsThatBalloon · 04/04/2025 12:57

You know, you could long term be doing him a favor.

Okay, he's living some nurodivergence but he sounds capable of making his own way. So tell him you and dad are still planning to move and that you would like him to find an independent living situation that allows him to do his own thing in the city. Get your move underway, these things don't tend to happen over night. Offer to support him with first months rent/deposit if you are financially able to do that or support his transition out of home in a way that feels right. Be gentle but firm.

I know a lot of young people live at home for longer these days but really 24 is old to still be living with your parents. If not now, when? And you deserve to move on to the next phase of your lives as well.

This could be a good thing for everyone ultimately.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 12:58

If he's got a job and a side hustle and friends and interests then I don't see how he'll be isolated? Unless he literally needs a carer he should be able to manage living alone? With you helping a bit with rent and bills?

The worst that can happen is he can't handle it and hates it and then you can have him live with you again in the new place?

You can't just stay in that same house forever to keep your adult son comfortable and in familiar surroundings.

He does need to learn a bit of independence. You won't be around forever.
It could be the making of him.

violincelloviola · 04/04/2025 13:00

I think “abandoning” is too strong, but I do understand why you’re nervous. It does feel like a long way away from a young adult with additional needs and no real friendship/support network.

I’d look at how you can help him now to set himself up independently while you’re still close enough to step in if needed.

Off topic but similar to another poster, I’d also think really carefully about the move from you and DH’s perspectives as well. I know several people who made long-distance moves after retirement and found the place they moved to wasn’t what they imagined/remembered and that they missed the support network they’d spent decades building.