Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

[chopchop96]

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

It must be unbearable for him to have everything scrutinised like this.

It sounds like you need to do more work on yourself before being in a relationship? He's not unreasonable to say he can't continue like this. You can't change overnight. And so I'd say this relationship is over for now unfortunately

I sympathise with your struggles - it’s really hard when your brain is wired a certain way for people who don’t have those thoughts and feelings to understand where you’re coming from. I do also see how it must be hard for him, as it seems that he can do something that’s a normal behaviour but will end up in a conflict and he’s walking on egg shells. There is a part where he needs to understand you to an extent, but the majority of the work you need to put it with therapy and coping mechanisms.

You really are in danger of pushing him away here. It sounds like he's walking on eggshells constantly.
How long did you try the medications for? Sometimes they take a while to start having a noticeable effect.

Golly, I’m so sorry, this must be so hard for you both. You will lose him if you can’t change though - no one would be able to go through this constant scrutiny and intense behaviour. It must be exhausting - for both of you actually. It might be time to let him go while you work on yourself..

Imagine your bf was posting his view? How would it read? I'm not surprised he's had enough and, however much it will hurt you, you need to tell him that you get where he's coming from and it's time to call it a day. When it's done (and I expect he'll be gone in a flash!) get some help for your anxiety as it's not fair to expect anyone to put up with this level of scrutiny and criticism. Oh, and avoid manipulators, narcissists and the like as, in your present state, you'd be right up their street. Im sorry it hasn't worked out but you know he's right. Good luck x

Have you done CBT? It helps you challenge your thinking. You can print off worksheets and continue doing the work. You might also find meditation and mindfulness helpful.

It must be very hard for you as you know you're not being rational and can see your bf is frustrated but it sounds like a compulsion. You need to find some strategies to hold yourself back.

You keep saying you are trying so hard…..

I think you need to try harder because you will lose him.

It's good you recognise it's something you do.

Therapy with someone who understands ADHD emotional wiring would probably be helpful, to help you learn to redirect your thoughts at those times.

In the short term is there anything that you could try, like writing yourself a note for your BF to have, or you to take around with you, where you set it out for yourself so you have a visual reminder as well of who you are in "better" times, to redirect your thoughts?

You will know what will work for you best, but something to remind you that what your brain tells you isn't necessarily true, it's just a story your brain is fixed on for now.

A short mantra or something else you could use to soothe yourself instead might also help. It's a lot of trial and error to find what works for you, but it sounds like your BF does love you, so if he sees you actively trying to fix it, then he might have more patience while you learn to work through it.

For example, a note might say something like:
I have ADHD.
I have anxiety and rejection sensitivities.
I get stuck in over-thinking loops and fixated on negative narratives.
This is not true. This is me telling me, with love, to let it go, because my narrative is damaging my relationship, and my relationship is important to me. I will not let my brain control me with untrue thoughts. Let it go. Love, me.

I just feel so sad. I hate knowing I’m making him feel like this but I can’t stop. It’s never ever intentional. Plus, I just want to feel heard and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t care or validate me?

I also swear I can feel him pulling away (rightly so) and yet he swears he isnt

Thank you everyone, and the mantra is a lovely ideas. I get so stuck in these loops.
I am literally making his life worse and he says I’m not

I totally empathise with you OP.

I've always exhibited similar behaviours to you due to very low self esteem, emotional neglect growing up, extreme anxiety and depression. I've now been given a very late autism diagnosis which has added another dimension into the mix.

It's really hard to reset your mind. And certainly for me the conundrum is that how I am is actually part of my biological make up so how much of me can I change.

Having said that I totally understand how hard and draining and frustrating it is for your bf and in my case how it was for any one i tried to have a relationship with.

It's heartbreaking that you are so aware of the problems and you are trying so hard to work on yourself to change. But ultimately I suppose your bf has to decide whether staying in the relationship is what's best for him and his own welfare.

Get some therapy OP. You’re driving him away and will do the same with your next partner if you don’t find a more peaceful way to live.

Exactly, and the problem is she actually says it. I've noticed that my partner and I don't have sex as often or hold hands all the time.

But the thing is, we have been together for 2 years now and things do evolve it doesn't mean we don't care for each other.

I sometimes think does he not want to have sex with me as much?But I don't say it. I just reassure myself that we are in a comfortable relationship now rather than the heady early days where we were tearing each other's clothes off every five minutes.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

Please realize how absolutely unbearable that is to live with. My boyfriend has generalized anxiety and ocd. He worries about everything all the time. He does manage to control it though. On occasion so that it doesn't spoil everything, but even so I do struggle with it.

The positives outweigh the negatives with him.And that's why i'm still with him. If my boyfriend behaved the way you did, I don't think I can cope.

He's wasting his time, and that also means he's wasting yours.

How do you see this ending up?What's the end game here?Do you plan to seek help and therapy and engage with it properly. Do you make any effort at all to be normal?And by that, I mean, do you ever just hold your tongue and don't say it. Or do you just let rip at him every time?Something makes you insecure.

In your post the way you describe the conversations makes it sound like they just happen and you can't help yourself starting them. Is there any way you could try to apply some rules to yourself (e.g. if it's late at night or if it's going to make him late, wait until x time - by which time you also might have calmed down and not want the argument?). It's not the same but I have autism and have found that self-imposing rules in some areas where my natural desire is to act unreasonably has really helped with the frequency. Of course it's not always possible, but a delay instead of trying to go "cold turkey" might be more realistic and thus likely to stick.

I think you need to consider whether you are in the right place psychologically/emotionally to be in a relationship. Personally, I think you need to do some more work on yourself, both for your own sake and your partner’s- I know that might not be what you want to hear. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting him. I also know that you can’t just “switch off” this behaviour- it’s going to take time.

Your boyfriend must feel under constant scrutiny, walking on eggshells and probably second guessing whether doing a, saying b or not doing c is going to trigger another bout of questions/accusations for which you will not accept any explanation or reassurance. I can tell you it’s hurtful, very frustrating and emotionally exhausting- I have been in your bf position with an ex who had anxiety problems. He was pretty miserable too, because he had all the anxiety, plus my frustrations and upset reflected back at him and added on guilt at being aware he wasn’t being fair (though in the moment felt completely justified/ like he was picking up on something to be worried about).

I ended it after a particularly bad fight and I do regret that I didn’t do it earlier when it could still have been amicable. It would have been far better for both of us if I had not tried to soldier on- I did so because there were good parts to our relationship that I valued greatly. But, in the end the hit to my own well-being from being constantly questioned/ doubted/ disbelieved/ accused, as well as the second guessing myself to try and avoid setting off an episode, totally outweighed it.

I recognise you are not doing this deliberately or with bad intentions, and are also being hurt by what you are doing- but intention doesn’t negate the impact on your bf and your relationship. But, given you can’t click your fingers and change how things are for you, you have to realistic about the situation you find yourself in. Your bf is telling you he doesn’t feel he can keep doing this as it is hurting him. You are clearly hurting too- feeling like this all the time is no fun for you, either.

You really really need mental health therapy.

This isn't a healthy relationship for him.
I understand you aren't mentally healthy but you are damaging him. It's really not OK.

Gently, you have a totally you-centric view of this relationship and if he posted his side he would, rightly, be encouraged to leave.

So.if it feels like he's pulling away, he is allowed to to that. He is allowed his own feelings and to manage them. He doesn't exist simply to prop up your mental health.

Apologies for saying this, because it may come across as offensive, and it's genuinely not meant that way.

Have you tried feeling whatever is going on with you but just not saying it/talking about it? So, you'd still be anxious, worried etc. But you just wouldn't discuss it with him. Because, as you've said, it doesn't help when you DO discuss it with him. You still feel all the anxiety, worry and fear. They don't go away by talking to him about it.

Maybe write it down. Record it on your phone. Go onto an online forum and write about it. Get it out somehow. But not with him.

Because yes, you WILL push him away if you're not careful. So releasing the anxiety elsewhere would break that cycle.

Yes, this is true - I noticed there's no distinction in the post between the concepts of feeling it and saying it, as though one must lead inevitably to the other when that isn't really the case. That's something I've struggled with too and my self-imposed rules have helped with: it's ok to keep the feelings to yourself and see how they work themselves out in your brain, and even if you still agree with them in a few hours' time. Sometimes I can't believe the things I thought were totally reasonable and important to express a few hours or days later.

Another issue is that it seems like the conversations must be long/finished to OP's satisfaction once they've started, but really that isn't a natural law and shouldn't just be OP's decision to make. It's deeply unkind to keep someone awake or make them late, and I'm surprised that despite her insight, OP seems to present this happening as an inevitability rather than a choice.

I think you have posted about this before and I really don't think you are in the right headspace to be in a relationship at the moment. Your last thread was a very uncomfortable read and you clearly haven't changed since. You need to let this man go. This level of paranoia is bound to damage him immensely. I know you are not well but please take responsibilty for yourself and your actions.

Get help for yourself. You will be pushing him away, and I don’t think I’d stay if I were in his position. I know you don’t mean it, but you really have to stop this. You say you want your feelings validated, but how many times and for how long? Only you can fix this.

Another perspective, you might be overthinking & driving yourself nuts as you know he’s marking time & not that into you? It’s possible you are too hard on self & need to trust gut on this too.

I really don't feel you are in the right place to be in a relationship. You know where your mental health is, but I don't see any consideration in your post for HIS mental health, which must be being affected by your behaviour. Be kind to him and let him go, then you can concentrate on where you are without diverting your energies scrutinising/obsessing about this relationship.

We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.

I also swear I can feel him pulling away (rightly so) and yet he swears he isnt

Gosh OP, I am sorry but this sounds exhausting for him (and you). Can't you see that this is a self fulfilling prophecy? Everyone has their breaking point and you are driving him to it. If you cannot control your feelings then I think you'll need to end the relationship and be single until you are in a better place - this doesn't sound good for either of you.

On the plus side: think about how fabulous you must be in other ways for him to put up with this utterly unbearable part of your personality.

I know it's easier said than done but you are going to have to learn to manage these thoughts and not express them every time. I'd hate it if my DH thought I didn't love him no matter what I did. That makes me feel so sad.