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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

192 replies

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:01

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

  • he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
  • he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
  • He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
  • I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 04/04/2025 13:24

It seems to me that he does understand why you behave this way and has tried to accommodate you and to an extent validate your feelings. I think he has been patient and you’ve said it is getting worse rather than improving. That is not your fault, it is the way your poor mental health is presenting. You need more therapy. Have you spoken to your doctor about this as he might prescribe medication for anxiety.

But I think you are some way off being well enough to function well in a relationship. And it seems being in a relationship is actually exacerbating your condition. The kindest thing for both of you would be to amicably end the relationship now before you end up resenting, blaming and hating each other

2men3eyebrows · 04/04/2025 13:29

OlivePeer · 04/04/2025 09:36

In your post the way you describe the conversations makes it sound like they just happen and you can't help yourself starting them. Is there any way you could try to apply some rules to yourself (e.g. if it's late at night or if it's going to make him late, wait until x time - by which time you also might have calmed down and not want the argument?). It's not the same but I have autism and have found that self-imposing rules in some areas where my natural desire is to act unreasonably has really helped with the frequency. Of course it's not always possible, but a delay instead of trying to go "cold turkey" might be more realistic and thus likely to stick.

Brilliant advice

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 13:31

Your behaviour is unfair on him and I wouldn't tolerate it. It's abusive to manifest bad things about people in your own mind and constantly nag your partner about them. Refusing to listen to any form of reason or truth.
Frankly I'm surprised he's not legged it.
I think you need to keep working through therapy and probably be single until you've resolved these issues. At this stage it's simply not fair on another person to have to put up with it.

ExpatMum41 · 04/04/2025 13:32

Honestly, you sound utterly exhausting.

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 13:34

You need to stop tormenting this poor man and let him go.
Then sort yourself out.

When you’re ready, look for a relationship. If he’s free at that time, who knows? If he’s found happiness elsewhere, that’s just the way the cookie has crumbled.

The point is, if you really like/love this guy, you have to realise that’s being in a relationship with you right now is unfair on him.

Katemax82 · 04/04/2025 13:35

My husband is like you op, it's exhausting being on the receiving end of the Spanish inquisition every day and it grinds a person down. If I could go back and not get married I probably would

lazyarse123 · 04/04/2025 13:35

When you say you don't feel heard it comes across that you need him to agree with you and he doesn't nor should he. Poor bloke let him go and sort yourself out.

Slimbear · 04/04/2025 13:41

One thing that is recommended for ADHD is meditation. Many people try to meditate a couple of times and your brain is all over the place - so you decide it’s not for you. Try to meditate half an hour a day for 2weeks. I believe it will help. The other things recommended for ADHD are vigorous exercise and healthy eating.

pearbottomjeans · 04/04/2025 13:46

Op, getting down to the fundamentals- relationships should be fun. It shouldn’t be this much hard work. If you’re looking for a life partner, you’d better have a good time together. You’re clearly not right together.

CarrieOnComplaining · 04/04/2025 13:54

OP - well done for being so honest about your actions within the relationship.

In truth I think you need to stop focussing on fixing the relationship and switch to fixing you.

You can't fix the relationship while you are locked in this trap of your own insecurities and fixation, and you ill be happier overall if you are not prey to your own mind.

It might in any case re-assure you Bf if he sees you getting professional help and working on it.

I have no idea what is the appropriate sort of therapy / expertise to help you but other MNers will know where to start.

Good luck

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/04/2025 14:03

You seem very self aware, that's why I'm struggling to have sympathy for you. You KNOW what you are doing, choosing your moments to make him late for work. If any of my sons was involved with you I'd be very concerned for them
Get yourself sorted because what your doing is emotional abuse..

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 14:15

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/04/2025 14:03

You seem very self aware, that's why I'm struggling to have sympathy for you. You KNOW what you are doing, choosing your moments to make him late for work. If any of my sons was involved with you I'd be very concerned for them
Get yourself sorted because what your doing is emotional abuse..

I agree entirely. I don't even know what she's fighting. There's no enemy in this story.She's just doing this to herself.

She'll end up single and then it'll be his fault too.I bet

LadyNairne · 04/04/2025 14:22

Im sorry to read tbis OP but you have to take responsibility. You are sabotaging your relationship. The “need to be heard” phrase you use has been stretched until it has lost meaning: there are limits on who hears what and when, and limits to what we say and share. You can’t demand another person listens to every passing thought in your mind. Even if they love you. And especially if hearing it on repeat puts an unfair burden on them. It’s not reasonable.

You can pay someone to listen to you though - a therapist - and perhaps that’s the best way forward.

BuildbyNumbere · 04/04/2025 14:36

Wow, sorry but I can’t see this lasting … sounds like a lot of hard work for him.

greeenscreeen · 04/04/2025 14:37

Hi @chopchop96 👋
I really feel for you. I can be exactly the same way at times, and it's such a difficult thing to live with - for you and for your partner. I also have ADHD. Are you familiar with Rejection Sensitivity Disorder? It can be a trait of ADHD. It's not included in the diagnostic criteria but it is widely recognised. Everything you have shared points towards RSD - a fear of rejection/abandonment or perceived rejection/abandonment.
Have a little Google and see what you think. I don't have any answers regarding how to deal with it, but for me just knowing what I am feeling and why my brain works in that way has helped enormously.

WaterFallFairy · 04/04/2025 14:46

I was like this, wanted constant reassurance. Tbh you probably know the answer each time you ask, and so did I. I turned to paper, I knew the answer I knew he was going to be annoyed with me asking. So I write it down, write down the question, I write what the answer would be over and over, I write ways that he shows this. It has helped massively x

Beautifulhaiku · 04/04/2025 14:51

Haven’t read the whole thread so not sure if anyone else has suggested this, but I would try looking up information on relationship OCD and consider if that might apply, as well as the ADHD. It sounds a lot like it to me, and that might open up other avenues for potential treatment.

Nutmeg1204 · 04/04/2025 14:55

This sounds very hard for both of you. It does sound like you need to work on yourself outside of your relationship more

You can’t fixate on one aspect of your life like that because what happens if it ends?

Do you have hobbies / friends outside of your relationship you focus on too

BlondeMummyto1 · 04/04/2025 15:10

He needs to leave you and you need help to work through why you feel like that.

If a man was like that with you we would say run.

Switcher · 04/04/2025 15:13

I think if he was posting his pov, or if you were a man, the responses would be about the manipulative and narcissistic traits in this behaviour. It's all very "I didn't mean to" "I can't control myself", "it's because I love you so much", "I just need you to behave in ways that validate me". It's really unhealthy and a bit shocking the way it's written as if you are the victim. He is...

Chungai · 04/04/2025 15:15

Sounds like you are rejection sensitive and expecting him to solve your problems.

And your impulsivity means your saying everything that comes into your head.

It's your problem not his to solve I'm afraid. Stop making it his problem.

You might also be getting a dopamine hit from creating these dramas at awkward times.

Recognising what's behind these behaviours is probably important to finding techniques you can use to manage / stop them.

TheHerboriste · 04/04/2025 15:26

My mother was like this and it adversely affected our lives in so many ways. She's been dead for 20 years and it's still reverberating in a negative way.

You need a professional therapist, not a boyfriend. It's extremely unfair to use another human being the way you are using him. Dumping your anxieties and imaginary notions on him is disturbing. Abusive, I would say. I hope he runs for the hills.

Sorry that you are suffering but relaying that suffering to an innocent bystander to make yourself feel better is not on. Seek help urgently and let him go. You are not in the right place for a relationship.

Butchyrestingface · 04/04/2025 15:33

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I think if you truly love this bloke, you should let him go and let him find happiness. I don't think you should be in a relationship with anyone for the time being.

But if. you're unwilling/unable to do so, can't you write all these intrusive thoughts in a diary rather than subject him to this constant harassment?

YehThoughtSo · 04/04/2025 15:38

Another vote for CBT.

Also something I found very helpful that I learned in CBT - these thoughts are not YOU, they are just external thoughts that come and go.

At the moment they are controlling you. But if you can separate the thought from you as a person, they might get less of a grip.

To do this, you have practise observing them arriving. Say out loud: "I notice I'm having a thought about whether he doesn't love me." "I notice I'm having a thought that he hasn't touched my leg and therefore he doesn't fancy me."

Say it every single time the thought pops into your head, observe it - and then you may just find it leaves you a lot quicker than usual.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 04/04/2025 15:42

What's the saying 'if you love him, let him go'