Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

[chopchop96]

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

Do you work? If not, find some job to fill your days and destract you from your imagined problems. This navel gazing would be unbearable to anyone.

You have become passive you’re allowing your diagnosis to determine your behaviour. You can’t change your feelings but you can choose what you say and what you do and you’re choosing to undermine your relationship why he still with you I really don’t know he must love you but you don’t believe that do you Don’t give up on medication? You need to go back to a GP and get something different that will put you in a better state to receive the therapy at the moment you’re in a circle of destruction. Have faith in your ability to choose what you say.

Of course he’s pulling away if you act like this. Get professional help immediately, this is clearly ruining your life.

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This was me, on the receiving end of an insecure boyfriend. It was awful. I'm sorry.

The problem with this level of anxiety is that there's absolutely nothing he could do to truly reassure you. We can never know how someone truly feels, and for some people this uncertainty feels unbearable. Is the EMDR for an unrelated issue? The constant need for reassurance sounds more like a DBT/CBT area.

you are not taking responsibility for any of this. And the easy way for it to stop is to end the relationship and stop seeing him. You should not be in a relationship with anyone until you can manage your mental health. If that is indeed the reason you act this way

I'm afraid I agree with this. You asked for tough love and you need it. You're talking about this as if you have no control over the situation but you do, ADHD or otherwise. You can become better at observing your own response to this sort of trigger and choosing to not react to it. It's hard, breaking any kind of mental habit is hard. But its possible and its necessary.

Ideally you need CBT to tackle this but you can start with mental affirmations: repeating to yourself that this is the condition talking, you don't need to act on it every time this pops into your head. Making a commitment to yourself to take a beat, not respond, not trigger another long discussion. Just sit with the feeling and let it pass. You having these long conversations with him will not change the situation, they are likely on balance to make it worse, so you need to train your brain into recognising this as a danger signal, as opposed to something you feel compelled to do.

He will leave you if you don't turn this around: it's your choice and at the moment you're actively choosing to sabotage your relationship and your mental health.

I'm assuming you've been diagnosed with OCD - obsessive ruminations - OP?

Perhaps try CBT?

It sounds like you have certain propensities that will be ongoing for you and I know it’s hard and involuntary. They are treatable though, and you need to give this everything or you will lose him. It sounds like he isn’t completely checked out yet but just needs to see things can change. I think you need to tell him that you recognise that if things can’t change he is unable to continue but that you will be doubling down every effort.

You will need urgent and expert CBT, can you pay? Can you detail what meds you have tried and when?

Fluoxetine is indicated for OCD and Pre menstrual mood disorder. This alone could be life changing. Your post screams Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which can also be mitigated with fluoxetine and ADHD meds.

You can change this behaviour. The first step is to understand when and why you learnt to think like this. What was your childhood like? Do you recognise this pattern of thinking/behaviour in one or both of your parent?

Have a look at this guide as a first step to understanding yourself;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Was the Adhd diagnosis quite recent? It will take a while to process and figure out strategies. Also medications can really help with mental health, but it often takes trying lots to find the right one, and staying on them for a bit.

Sounds like you might have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, look into that if you haven't already.

Do you live together? Maybe you could try and give him space while you figure stuff out. If you have a spare room, maybe you could sleep there - also don't interact in the mornings if you can manage this. If you're initiating the pulling back, maybe it will be easier to deal with than him eventually pushing you away if nothing changes.

OP, it is abusive for him to be on the receiving end of this as the behaviour exhibited is controlling and paranoid. It is impacting him negatively and a strong example is that it’s making him late for his job. It’s really wrong, regardless of whether you intend to hurt him. We wouldn’t accept a man treating a women like this, not would we excuse abuse on the basis that it is caused by poor mental health.

The right thing to do is let the relationship come to an end and work on rebuilding your mental health so that, when you are ready, you can be with someone in a equal relationship that is built on trust and confidence.

I can't recommend enough Op that you have therapy - one to one for as long as it takes.

You are hyper vigilant and I promise - you can change this. i was like this and I changed and it also changed my life.

You're going to destroy your relationship. Then you will feel vindicated as you were right all along.

The way this is written - is it a reverse? If so, OP’s boyfriend, I think you already know the right thing to do in order to protect yourself.

Agree, as soon as I read this I thought childhood trauma. Did you have a happy childhood OP?
If it is trauma then no amount of trying to snap out of it or just stop as some posters have said is going to work. Trauma changes the brain and the pathways your thoughts take, you literally won’t be able to help it OP.
I had to take the decision that I wasn’t able to stay healthy in a relationship however much I tried, so I avoid them. Perhaps this is something to consider OP. It would give you time and space to work on yourself.

OP, I haven't read the full thread but have read your replies.
I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in how you feel. It comes from a place of insecurity and self-perception.
Ultimately, you need to work on yourself, learn to like yourself. Believe you are worthy of him and this relationship.
This can be done within a relationship, with an understanding and patient partner (I know because I am in this process now with a man who I am so grateful for) just bear in mind, patience isn't endless, even for a saint.
Have a google of Relationship OCD.

Good luck lovely, we've got this x

It’s completely irrelevant whether it was caused by childhood trauma or not. It remains the OP’s responsibility to manage, regardless of its origin. She should practice self-compassion, obviously, but also to acknowledge that if she allows this to impact her relationship, it will damage and potentially end it. And that’s not on her boyfriend.

I don’t think I indicated anywhere in my post what you’re saying!
your reading comprehension isn’t great is it

If he was my friend I would be telling him he is in an abusive relationship and to get out

he must really really really love you to put up with half of this

if you want it to work you need urgent help with a psychiatrist and more medication , you cannot go ion like this

I’m sorry for your struggles but it isn’t his responsibility to constantly reassure you and this outweighs the good parts of your relationship for him
After 2 years, it’s entirely reasonable he can’t see things changing
He is not your rehab centre, and you shouldn’t be putting all your thoughts( overthinking) onto him
i think you need to end it, for his sake.

Therapy can definitely help with this. Are you talking about this issue with your EMDR therapist? I think it’s bad advice to tell you to leave your bf and work on yourself, as this issue will likely only come up again in a future relationship. You need to be in a relationship for it to come up. If you can find a good therapist and talk with them for 50 minutes a week about this issue they will really be able to help you get past it.

Apologise to your bf for the strain you’re putting him under and commit to seeking help for it.

Agree with this. Counselling can help you feel safe enough to do this.

You poor thing. It must be so difficult to live with this deeply low self esteem. i wonder where it comes from.

You do understand I hope that it isn't fair to expect your boyfriend to "fix" you or make you feel better about yourself. Of course relationships do have that function but when you are as insecure as you seem to be it is too big an ask of the other person. Exhausting.

I agree with those who say that you may not be quite ready for a relationship at the moment and that you have to do some work on yourself first, but as you ARE in a relationship you have to start that work now. I feel it may take you a while to come to an understanding of yourself and where this insecurity comes from, but you sound young enough that you will still be able to reap the rewards it brings with more self esteem and a greater ability to trust and accept love.

You're being emotionally abusive, going on at him so much that you're making him late for work. You need to split up, for both your sakes.

I am sorry that you are struggling so much. Feeling so much anxiety can be unbearable. Relationships do change over time but that is a good thing as you become more comfortable with each other.
I agree with other posters that you don't always need to tell your partner how you are feeling. He hasn't actually done anything wrong and can't be expected not to defend himself against your accusations so it will always turn in to an argument. Of course you need other ways to express yourself and release anxiety but you can do this in many ways such as exercise and creative hobbies, but therapy and medication will also be key.