Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

[chopchop96]

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

Sounds as if you need to focus on your MH and work hard at breaking this toxic cycle before trying to maintain a serious relationship, OP. Relationships often have a sell-by date. You spend a year or two together, the initial chemical rush wears off and you're left with the fact that you're not fundamentally a good match.

It sounds as if he's been patient and understanding and things haven't got any easier. For both of you, in the long run, it may be best to split. I know I couldn't live happily with someone behaving in the way you describe.

Agreed. You may not believe it’s intentional and you can go on about needing to heard and validated all you want, but when you’re spouting absolute nonsense and haranguing him to this extent, he certainly has no obligation to validate your feelings. Your mental state is such that you shouldn’t be in a relationship I’m afraid, it’s unfair and cruel to your partner.

He probably is pulling away, not because he doesn't love you, likely because he's responding to an unpleasant situation. Most people cannot be bullied into being more affectionate and loving, it tends to the opposite affect in response.

I imagine this is very hard for you and I fully believe it is not intentional, but you need to learn some effective communication skills within the relationship-fast If you hope to continue together. You really need to try modelling the behaviour you would like to receive, instead of creating arguements about why it's not happening.

Unfortunately, you are too much of a problem for him to have to deal with. It's likely he's only hanging around because he may not have other options. If I was him I'd be long gone, or at least switched out.

This is fantastic advice and something I will try myself. Thank you

Well it is certainly not his job to hear you or to validate you! Whatever gave you that idea? Manage your own feelings; no one else is responsible for that. He is not your therapist.

I've found concerta and 100mg sertraline has been very helpful. I couldn't even talk f2f without crying about issues before.

Part of me wants to empathise with you, part of me wants to shake you, but mostly I want to rescue this poor man from this hell.

This constant assault on his peace must be exhausting for him. I really think you should let him go and spend some time working on yourself. It is unfair to inflict this level of neediness and paranoia on anyone; and could be considered abusive.

This is bordering on abuse. If you can't stop yourself picking fights and "testing" him in secret ways he will never be able to pass (because the parameters are made up by you according to your mood) then you need to be on your own.

He doesn't even know they are tests let alone how to pass them.

Look how this guy has told her he feels:

he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk

he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things

He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything

I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

That's shocking, that's unacceptable. Imagine being made to feel like that.

I don't think this is a YABU/YANBU scenario... I think you need psycotherapy, talking however frequent with a good psychologist and they can teach you methods to help you understand that not everything evolves around you.

This is very possibly the same poster who posts very similar needy, insecure threads about long suffering bf. I wouldn’t invest too much of your time and advice to them, there must be a large virtual storage unit filled to the brim with unheeded but good advice.

You're inability to regulate your emotions has made him late for work and is impacting his sleeping. Honestly it's be encouraging you to end the relationship for his sake.

Gotta be ok with yourself as part of being ready for a relationship.

Tbh I feel bad for him, you see the pattern and do it anyway. Therapy won't change your behaviours, it will be hard for you to behave differently but the only way this changes is if you do.

No relationship will work while you behave like this. It must be absolutely exhausting for him.

Take a break. You both need it.

You can’t « keep him » afraid to loose him. He can’t « keep staying » to prove you he is there. You both literally needs the opposite the other one gives.

You need therapy and he needs to be free 👌

You feel what you feel. That's fine. How you behave in response to how you're feeling needs some reflection.

IMO primarily slowing everything down a bit will help. You can schedule complicated conversations about your relationship for times when you're both awake/ not hungry / not rushing anywhere so there is plenty of opportunity for you to get support from him.

From there an agreement that either of you can end / postpone a conversation that's happening at an inappropriate time will help make sure he's able to get enough sleep / isn't late for things.

None of the things you're worried about are objectively things that need to be sorted right now.

You could then do with strategies for managing yourself for when he calls time on a discussion so he can sleep. These might be things like strongly distracting things - computer / phone games you need to concentrate on or physical things like going for a walk. Have a look at DBT strategies - there are some things there for 'in the moment' responses to reduce the chance of you acting on impulse in a way you'll later regret.

OP Vitmin B complex are great for balancing your hormones. They take a couple of months to work but definitely give them a try. You can get them cheaply in H&B or Tesco even if in UK.

OP, very gently, with all the things you have tried, you are looking outside of yourself for the answer, and the answer is actually that you need to respond to your thoughts and feelings in a different way instead of seeking reassurance and validation. He cant validate you because your feelings are irrational and not reflection of what is going on. You may find DBT helpful, as it can help you tolerate distress better and manage difficult feelings.

I think that you might be reassurance seeking in response to your anxiety.

I think ultimately you need to work on just sitting with uncomfortable thoughts such as "he didn't touch my leg as much so maybe he is going off me". Accept that possibility and that helps take the power out of the thought.

Bringing these anxieties to him and having long drawn out conversations and arguments about them is literally creating a problem in the relationship where there otherwise may not be one.

And if there is any subtle shift in his feelings, going over and over stuff like this will do absolutely nothing to change that.

Basically I think you need therapy to help you to accept uncertainty and sit with anxiety and doubt, rather than bring it into your relationship.

You mentioned this is cycle related. Is there a way you can track this and basically put a pin in any doubts during that time, be aware that you are especially anxious in that week and you can reflect and revisit any worries a week later and decide if they are worth discussing?

If you know you do it then just … stop saying it?

My abusive ex used to do these exact things.

Make up scenarios about made up things, just so he could argue about it for hours.
He wouldn’t allow me to sleep until I’d basically admit to whatever it was he’d made up in his head.

I lost a job due to it, I’d have to come home because he’d ‘found’ something and it needed sorting NOW, and I’d be constantly late.

I missed our child’s first ever performance in a professional play because an hour before he ‘realised’ that I’d been spending a lot of time with the acting teacher (5 minutes after class to discuss what had been taught etc) and it needed ‘sorting’ before the play. It lasted 6 hours, I had to get my mum to bring my son home (she went to the performance).
my kids were late for school at least twice a week due to it.

He made my life hell. It got to the point that I was questioning if I really was doing all of these things and I started just admitting to everything just to stop it… It didn’t work, he’d just find something else but then I’d also be an admitted cheat/thief/prostitute/liar.. etc etc.

I put on 4st in weight, cut my beautiful long blond hair, stopped wearing make up or even getting dressed. I only left the house to take the kids to school (where I’d be sleeping with someone in the 20 minutes it took to get there and back). I thought if I became unattractive then he’d stop thinking that other people wanted me. It didn’t work, I obviously did it just to upset him and he’d lecture me on my health.

I eventually escaped and I was so messed up I didn’t know how to do anything for myself.

its been 17 years and it still affects me to this day.

i really feel sorry for this poor man.

This sounds just like my ex, I dumped her after 7 years she could start an argument in an empty room and always had an excuse "you know I'm insecure" "we drove somewhere and I didn't touch her leg" so I must be going off her! She worked in a shop and told me about her day and spoke about members of staff men and women and that was OK but god forbid if I tell her about my day and it involved a woman, in the end I just stopped telling her about it and just listened to her. It was OK for her to go out but again god forbid if I did.

I got rid and the was after 7 years but warned her time and time again but there was always an excuse for her behaviour and those around her best thing I did now just peace and no drama and if you're not careful he will choose peace over you.

The most useful thing I have heard in these situations is your feelings are real but they are not objectively true. When you feel alone it physically hurts. He is not hurting you. Both of those things can be happening at the same time.

EMDR will be amazing to help deal with the trauma that makes you feel unsafe, but DBT might be more helpful to learn strategies to manage behaviours that no longer serve you. It is bloody hard to change but you want to be different and it is possible.