Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

[chopchop96]

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

Sorry you are going through this. Maybe try to find a good therapist to work on core beliefs. That may shift things for you. Also lions mane can be helpful for adht. Some of the responses on here are harsh. You are acknowledging your issues and working on them. A lot of people don’t get to that point.

Have you thought about what this is like from his point of view? He may be trying his best but this must be very difficult to live with.

Im sorry but do not blame adhd on your bad behaviour.
I have adhd and if my anxiety issues that go with that, had me treating my partner the way you’re treating yours, I would leave anyway.

seek some CBT. I think you would greatly benefit from it.

Have you researched the concept of “distorted thinking”? This may help you identify thoughts that previously have led to these situations and nip them in the bud.

I hrtft sorry but if you're unable to catch yourself with the emotions or insecurities, are you able to catch yourself on the timing. So could you both adopt having a phrase you say and your bf can say that means I hear you but we don't have time to discuss this properly right now. And you agree to park it until you're next together and both available to have a proper talk about it? So if he's getting ready for work and you start to fixate and you tell him that he could say I hear you but I have to go to work so let's park this until I'm home and then we can talk with clear heads.

I'm wondering if doing that would also then give you the space to wind yourself down before you do actually meet up again later? Plus might head off arguments because you're both in more relaxed places when you actually come to talk something through?

This. After 2 years you can't expect things ro be the same as when you started dating. Not so much leg touching anymore as when you had that initial flush of excitement. If my DH did that to me whilst out now I'd probably twat him and/or burst out laughing ! Of course relationships progress to a different phase, its natural. After 2 years or so I had a mini wobble where I was thinking is this right for me, do I love him? Didn't last long, now been together 30plus years and have 2 DC of 21 and 19. Friendship and respect is what is important, not leg touching. You need to be more realistic.

And get some medication/more therapy. You are the one with the problems here (and I don't think its just ADHD or anxiety, we have those in our family so are aware of them). You are creating your own problem with a self fulfilling prophecy here, but only you can sort it. I'd be very concerned about my DC if they were in a relationship with you to be honest.

Breakup

You need to be alone to get better

Exactly this. You are aware of what you're doing so you need the discipline to stop.

Do you have any other interests, or a job? Can you focus on other things in your life and lay off your boyfriend for a while? It sounds like you may be focusing so much on him to avoid facing up to yourself and your own life, quite separately of him.

if someone I was in a relationship with made me late to work I would end it. You cannot keep doing this to him. You are a liability to him the moment and he sounds like he’s been more than patient. Don’t tell him you wil vhange, show him be your actions.

It's not surprising he feels this way, it sounds suffocating, but as he has been open and honest about it and hasn't just walked away as many would there's probably a chance to save the relationship.

I have some complex MH issues and understand that it's not something you're setting out to do, but you need to find ways to deal with your irrational feelings beyond projecting them on to him. Either through some formal therapy and intervention, or by coming up with some coping mechanisms. I have destroyed relationships by not doing this, but can't blame them tbh.

I too have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I too had the same relationship you did. I'm now over 20 plus years in.
We can't help how we feel we can't control how we feel. But we can control how we react. We can prepare. So explain all of this to your partner. When I get like this it's because of the ADHD. And so I need to walk to another room or you need to. to stop the impulse to continue arguing until you are burnout from it. We don't have a natural stop button. So we fixate on the argument until they say we are right to shut us up. But that isn't actually what we want. Not really. We just don't know when to shut up.
So preparation and knowledge is key. Research about adhd and strategies to cope. It does get easier.

It sounds like you have OCD... I'd ask for a mental health referral / review of any medication. I have friends with OCD and everything your describing fits this diagnosis.

Edited to add - they all also had adult diagnosis of ADHD. Often neurodivergent people who have been undiagnosed for a long time end up with anxiety because of the challenges from their neurodivergence going unrecognised.

I am sorry but I completely agree with your bf. Your issues are exactly that…. YOUR issues. It must be exhausting having the same arguments over and over again.

He has been patient, discussed it but the answer isn’t what you wanted to hear so you fixate and start an argument!

Check out thought challenging worksheets online (there’s loads of different ones) and start going through the steps whenever you start going down a rabbit hole.
I had some great therapy that explained that my emotions were like an unbalanced seesaw and a negative emotion pushes it down further and easier than a positive one. In order to retrain my brain to spot positive things I had to list 3 positive things every hour (one physical; one emotional; and one social - eg, this leather steering wheel feels nice; I am feeling happy after doing some craft; I was nice to the checkout person) - they can be small and even repetitive, the idea is to train your brain to look for positives not negatives and to do it frequently.
these things really helped me x

OP.

You could be me years ago.

It does sounds like you might need to spend some time focusing on yourself, on self love. Yoga, journalling, walking perhaps therapy. Build your resilience. Eat well, sleep well, try not to drink, see friends. All the things that are good for you.

It could also be that this relationship is not making you feel secure also.

It sounds exhausting for you mentally,

Do you have anxiety? Is it worth seeing the Dr also, this has helped me no end. (A drug has stopped by thoughts consuming me, as someone else says above, it could be OCD or anxiety and drugs can help break the cycle).

Good luck, go easy on yourself, you are perfect as you are. 🙏❣️

It might be that this is partly a bad habit you have developed and that, even if it is connected with your mental health struggles, it would not manifest in a different relationship, or possibly, that if you treat it as a habit to break, you could stop it. Can you give yourself a target time, and a mechanism (drawing your feelings in exaggerated pictures instead of having the conversations?!) to help break the habit?