Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

[chopchop96]

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

If it was a woman posting that her OH ruined days out and special occasions, and repeatedly made her late for work by creating drama and causing arguments, she would be told to leave because her partner was abusive.

Your behaviour is controlling, unacceptable, and it is abusive. You should not be in a relationship at all until you sort yourself out. Let him go, and do the work.

Your bf is being emotionally abused by you. He is walking on eggshells, feeling all his actions are being scrutinised, modifying his behaviour to appease you. Nights out are being ruined. He is being sleep deprived and his job sabotaged by your behaviour. You acknowledge your struggles but many abusers do.
Your mental health is not your fault but it is your responsibility. It is not your boyfriends role to bear this burden for you. You need to acknowledge that you are not a person who can be in a relationship right now. You are damaging the person you are with. You need to let him go and work on yourself. It’s in unbelievably selfish to ask him to stay in the dynamic.

I think you need a break from relationships to find your confidence. He can't live like this, it is unfair to expect him to. It's borderline abusive towards him.
Ask for a break, work on yourself, do not get into a relationship, do something like travelling alone, that is outside your comfort zone.then find a partner or get back with him when you have more confidence and have grown into being comfortable and confident with yourself.

If your boyfriend was posting from his perspective we would all be telling him to leave you.

You're not relationship material in your current state. You really need to work these issues out because they are negatively impacting his life.

In my own experience when you are in patterns of disordered thinking you believe no one is listening or hearing you, but it’s because your thinking is disordered and irrational and so doesn’t make sense to other people. Hence long discussions where he is standing trial defending himself about things he hasn’t done. It’s very distressing for everyone as it’s so deep in your imagination it feels real?

You seem to think you are holding up your hands and taking responsibility for your abhorrent behaviour but you aren’t. You suggest these abusive episodes just ‘happen’ but you are starting them and they are wholly one sided. You even blame him for them - he’s not ‘validating’ you or you aren’t ‘heard’. Leave him alone! Just because you suffer from possibly PMS related paranoia you don’t have to make it his problem. Call a friend, keep a diary, talk to your therapist but leave the poor bloke out of it. If you have no intention of stopping, let him go.

You may not be able to stop the feelings you have but you have full control of your mouth and the words coming out of it?!! You need to stop sharing those thoughts constantly to your boyfriend. The poor man is walking on egg shells, being subjected to unreasonable behaviour and must be utterly drained. Why are these conversations happening before nights out, bedtime and just before work? You have control over when you have these conversations, the same as you do with the words coming out of your mouth! So, in my mind, you are doing it deliberately, no matter how much you say it's not intentional! You want answers, explanations, reassurance etc now, and you don't particularly care when it is, or what you're saying. You need professional help. To me, your behaviour towards your boyfriend is abusive. End the relationship and let this man go. Don't get yourself involved with anyone else again, until you have sought proper support for your mental health, and you are in a better place. You don't have the right to destroy someone else's mental health, along the way.

Have you done this with all your relationships? If so, you shouldn’t be in one until you are more comfortable with yourself. Your intrusive thoughts and needy and controlling behaviour is driving him away and you need to seek support.

This isn't fair on your boyfriend.

He will either end up mentally damaged, leave, or both.

Set him free and do some inner healing work before getting into another relationship.

No one can give you the reassurance you need. It likely stems from a deep well of emotional neglect, but a therapist can support you towards acceptance and healing.

Sounds more like you have anxious attachment (needing constant reassurance).

I have ADHD and avoidant attachment. Meds work on dopamine to help me focus but I wouldn’t expect them to make it easier for me to give my partner the focus they require (which comes from oxytocin, not dopamine).

EDMR is usually used for trauma?

I think you need therapy - solo and couple - to identify why this is happening and what you are able and willing to do to address it.

If I posted on here than my boyfriend was keeping me up when I wanted to sleep and making me late for work demanding I listen to them complain about things I wasn’t doing and insisting on endless amounts of soothing, but the BF insisted he couldn’t help it and I wasn’t listening to him enough, then what do you think people would say to me?

Oh my god, my first thought was... That poor man! You're pushing him away.
If you want to stay with him you need to stop, as it is your behaviour is going to cause your fears to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

HRTFT but this! Feeling it is the only way to get through it. And it may get to the point that you recognise the feeling, and you feel it, but it starts to lose its power- especially if when you feel it, you do something else: write it out, sit with it, etc- and then something else again, go for a walk or do some yoga or make some food from scratch. Something grounding. Don’t tell him about it every time- or ever. If he asks, tell him you’re feeling anxious and you’re dealing with it- but don’t make it his responsibility to make you feel better. That can only come from you.

Pp are right- he will walk away otherwise, you are making this too hard. But you can change the pattern. It’ll take time but you can do it.

Have you heard of relationship OCD? That and PMDD come to mind after reading your post.

Please do try and seek help. I know someone who behaves like you and she struggles to maintain relationships.

OP I know my post was harsh and I’m sorry. I lived like your bf did for years as my DH struggled with mental illness. In the end I told him I was taking the kids and leaving unless he did something about it. He did and one of the first things he did was to stop verbalising every insecurity at me. To process his obsessive thoughts internally and to ‘fake’ his moods so there wasn’t a constant dark cloud over all of us. This was hard for him and of course alongside there was a process of counselling and medication and exercise etc. But I still expect him to have an awareness of how his moods effect us all and things have improved dramatically for our family although his internal struggles have improved they are still very much there.
There is hope for change but it is slow. It was worth it for me because we had a family but to be absolutely clear if it had just been me I would have left. And I think your bf should. And I think of you cared for him you would end the relationship (my husband said several times he would agree to whatever I wanted in terms of breakup/kids/house etc)

Bless you, I think you just sound very insecure. He would not be with you if he didn't want to be, and didn't love you.

I think you need to make a conscious effort to shift your mindset to be a bit more independent. Maybe some really simple little hobbies like planting a few seeds to grow in the garden might help. Or getting into a great book.

The thing is that there is a thing called a 'self-fulfilling prophecy' you have to be aware of. Don't self sabotage your own happiness. ❤

If adhd stimulants havnt worked for you try looking at none stimulant like intuniv. Also if your thinking hormone related sertraline can really help imo.

But I'd also seriously consider cbt with a counsellor. Excellent for changing thoughts and learning coping techniques.

Also research rejection sensitivity dysphoria

I found with cbt it helped me with that I am enough. I can't control his emotions but I'm worthy of being loved

Hi op, I really feel for you in this situation.

Please ignore the following if you don’t think they suit your particular situation, as I am coming from the perspective of a mother with an ND child, but similar to WrylyAmused, the following works well in our family:

-when you sense others are pulling away, allow them that privilege, we all need our space : it helps to have a visual reminder of this, so in our family when someone needs a bit of time alone we use a Heidi analogy and say we are going off up the mountain with the goats! It sounds utterly ridiculous but it’s a short cut phrase to remind everyone that it’s not a personal rejection!

-when a wave of anxiety comes over you, and you feel panicked and insecure, you need a loved one to say, “it’s ok, I’m here, I know you are anxious, nothing is wrong, I am just stressed/rushed/busy etc” . This can be quite demanding for the person who is in a rush or has a work deadline looming, or trying to get to sleep, so we have contracted it down in to code words. So you say one word line “blue” which means “I need reassurance” and then the other person puts their hands on the person of the shoulders seeking reassurance and looks them in the eyes - if they can tolerate that - and says “blue heard, blue good” .

Sorry if this all sounds utterly mad but they have been effective strategies for us which circumvent the embarrassment of having to ask for reassurance, and at the same time, provides it quickly and directly without having to go through cyclical arguments.

I think it might be helpful to demonstrate to your bf at this moment that you have really heard and taken on board his concerns and that you have some self awareness of these issues and you want him to feel comfortable in your relationship.

Practically speaking, that might look like:

• writing a card identifying and apologising for your behaviours and acknowledging that it’s something you need to work on
• taking yourself away for Easter to stay with friends or family and allowing him some space, as chasing never works
• engaging with a psychologist who specialises in ADHD and also anxiety disorders.

Whether that will be enough to repair the relationship I don’t know but either way you can learn from this experience 💐

Your self awareness is admirable, but you must know it's not enough by itself.

If he were my friend I'd encourage him to end the relationship.

I don’t think you are wrong, but I think you need to pick your timings for these discussions better. Rather than thinking it and saying it, pick a time to bring things up. You struggle because he can’t engage in the conversation and acknowledge your feelings, but you are bringing it up when all he can think about is not being late for work.

the relationship may well have run its
course. But I think your approach with regards to timings would be problematic with anyone

You are not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship right now and this is going to be making him ill.

The best thing you can do is separate properly.
Do not have any communication for the next 6 months and both take time away from each other to work on yourselves.

If after 6 months you both want to get back together, then take things slowly and relearn how to be in a relationship.

I know you say you can’t help it but I can bet that if he ended the relationship whenever you acted like this you would learn how to behave better.

I met a guy who acted like you and I refused to accept it.
I said if you feel a certain way then it’s good to communicate and ask me anything but once I’ve given you my answer then don’t ask me again.
If you don’t believe my answer then that’s your issue, not mine and I won’t be with someone who tries to make their issues my issues.
Funnily enough after the first couple of times and me ending things over it, he never did it again.

You might not be able to reframe your thoughts, but you do need to take ownership of your actions.

If he’s pulling away, there’s very little you can do about that. Asking him over and over won’t make him love you more, so even if it’s true you’re not achieving anything.

Instead you need to look at what you need out of the relationship and if he’s giving you that. If you need more touch and cuddles, ask for this. Not in the way that if he doesn’t give them to you it’s reflective of his feelings, just that it would make you happier in the relationship.

Make this about your feelings not his. You don’t and can’t know his feelings. But tell him what you think is missing, and he either will or won’t deliver on these things, and if he doesn’t you might just not be compatible.

Obviously you can't help it, and you are working hard to tackle and improve the issues, but your behaviour sounds exhausting both mentally and emotionally. Your BF has described very well how it makes him feel - that you don't trust him - and that sounds a fair description.

You acknowledge that your fixations are the problem, and will be in all and any relationship whether personal or romantic or at work. It's not wrong to focus on your needs, and doing that will benefit him too.

It's so hard to get good professional help but that's what your main priority is, keep looking until you find something that really works for you. Your BF clearly likes you to have stayed around for two years, he must be worth making the effort for.

I would run a mile if a partner did this to me.

I'm pleased you are taking steps to try to resolve the problem. Have you considered splitting up to just be by yourself and work on you? I say this because it must be utterly exhausting for your BF to be constantly under scrutiny, then when he explains something you don't believe him. I'd honestly be massively pissed of with this, plus who brings things up in the morning when he's getting ready for work - then he's late. You need to have a serious think about continuing the relationship or not. I'd honestly end it if I were him - sorry but you did say give tough love.