Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

[chopchop96]

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

OP, you need to end this relationship for both your sakes. Then you need to do some serious work on yourself until you are more stable.

Right now you are harming both him as well as yourself.

Therapy focused on your childhood and resulting attachment pattern would be hugely helpful. Good luck

Sounds like a form of intrusive thoughts. Have you explored this with your therapist? Do you have any medical disorders such as ocd or anxiety? Have you a diagnosis of ND. Although there are many other things it could be. I am not a psychiatrist but intrusive thoughts can form from an anxiety. Often from a traumatic or very stressful event in our lives.

Our brains have an old reptilian part that doesn't listen to reason from our more modern modern counterpart, it only remembers how you feel. In your mind, it won't let these relentless thoughts go until you feel safe in that situation. Safe doesn't always mean from danger. It could be that you're trying to protect yourself from heartbreak. But unfortunately in doing so, it's creating it's own storm. There fore predicting see this is what happens and it's because youve made it happen. Better the devil you know type situation.

So an exercise for you if you wish. Have a look on your life. Why are you in EMDR ask yourself? This is usually for some trauma or ptsd. Is it this that has had an impact? Your behaviour is a type of self defence mechanism. Really look at the root of where this is coming from. There you will start to find your answers.

Also look for attachment styles. You sound like an anxious attachment to me. This often forms when our needs are not met in childhood. There are many many videos about this on youtube.

Your first step was reaching out on this board so you clearly want to help yourself. It might be better for you to be single whilst you work on this. Your future self will thank you for it. His attachment style may also be completely the opposite of what you are so therefore triggers the neediness in you because you need constant reassurance. But that isn't his job.

He is right, relationships do change over time and the intensity changes. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but those words won't change anything for you. You'll only remember how you felt. And emotions can be so strong that they feel real.

If you do the work on yourself, you will feel so much better I promise you. Here is to a happy life.

Me & DH had a make or break at this point in our relationship.

He’s the one with the issues / mental health problems.

We got married, but he is one who starts arguments. It’s hard.

You clearly have some issues with your mental health / obsessive behaviour.

I appreciate that perhaps you can't keep that behaviour under control, but honestly, that is not your boyfriend's fault and he can't be expected to put up with that sort of constant questioning, scrutiny and emotional angst all the time. His own mental health is being affected by this and it's not fair on him. I would find it unbearable.

It's emotional abuse/control - even if you're not doing it intentionally, you are still subjecting him to it. It's still abusive and it's still controlling. He must be walking on eggshells the entire time and scared of upsetting you with the tiniest things. He shouldn't have to constantly reassure you about things that are in your head.

I would suggest that you would be wise to end the relationship and get some pretty intense therapy. You're honestly not in a place to have a healthy relationship with anyone right now and it's not good for either of you.

we have a lot of adhd, ocd and autism in our family - it’s not uncommon to have more than one neurodiversity - I suspect you might have more than adhd as you are being obsessive. Please speak to your gp.

If your DP was a loved one of mine, I'd want him to end the relationship.

I agree with this. I also, like a PP, wonder if you are the 'funny hair' woman who posted a couple of weeks ago...

Validating your concerns and 'hearing' you would be the wrong thing for him to do, because your concerns are invented.

If my partner said (eg) 'You must be going off me because you didn't say 'Love you' before you ended that phone call' I'd say 'You're being ridiculous, of course that doesn't mean I'm going off you'. I wouldn't validate his concerns and say 'I'm so sorry, I'll never end a phone call without saying 'love you' ever again and if I do, it means I am going off you' because that would be total bullshit and would mean he was placing unacceptable controls on me.

I am literally making his life worse and he says I’m not

He can't win. Think about how that conversation would work:

You: I'm making your life worse, aren't I, no wonder you don't love me any more
Him: I do love you
You: Are you sure? Are you sure you don't hate me? How can you love me? I don't believe you can love me when I make your life worse.
Him: You don't make my life worse
You: I don't believe you

OR

You: I'm making your life worse, aren't I, no wonder you don't love me any more
Him: I do love you
You: Are you sure? Are you sure you don't hate me? How can you love me? I don't believe you can love me when I make your life worse.
Him: Look, I'll be honest - I do love you, BUT your anxiety and clinginess IS really hard to deal with. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm exhausted by it, and it's really hard.
You: WHAT?? You find me hard to deal with? Oh my god, you hate me. You're going to leave me. You've gone off me, just like I said...

Do you see how you're putting him in a impossible no-win situation?

Show your bf that you care enough and that you listen enough to know that you are a right pain in the arse.
Tell your bf that you are having some serious counselling and working on yourself.

Try to recognise a trigger (or a warning in the form of thoughts you get etc) where you realise that you are behaving like an arse and take yourself away to calm down and chill out.

In arguments, agree with your bf more.You know that he is right to find you unable to hear himwhen he speaks.

If you can't improve and feel more trusting, with professional help, then there is not much hope for your bf I'm afraid. It would be too cruel to continue a relationship with a person who will never be trusted.

I used to be you, OP. It's exhausting for you and your partner. The only thing that worked for me was the right medication. Fluoxetine changed my life, almost overnight. I can only recommend that you keep going until you find the right one.

Seems like torture for both of you. I’d call it a day and release yourselves both from this unhealthy situation. Then, do all the work on yourself necessary, therapy and with a gynae, or maybe more successfully endocrinologist, if you believe this is hormone related. When, and only when, you are in a healthy space with this, then cast your fishing line. While you may love this current guy, the whole ‘one true soulmate’ is a complete crock of shite. Men are like buses, once you stand at the bus stop, buses will come along, you just need to ride different routes to see which is best suited.

As many have said, it's a case of working on yourself and your thoughts about yourself. Therapy is definitely helpful, I worked with two therapists who weren't a great fit and then found one who changed my life- it may be that you need to find a different therapist or a different type of therapy.

Also, a book recommendation which I found incredibly helpful and have reccommended to more people than I care to mention- they've all loved it.

https://www.foyles.co.uk/reviews/the-book-you-want-everyone-you-love-to-read/philippa-perry/2928377183943

Wishing you lots of luck x

I think it’s best that you end the relationship.

I read on here that you shouldn’t validate all fears /irrational behaviours and beliefs because validation means that you are agreeing that the behaviour/beliefs are real and right.

You feel what you feel but your bf is clearly not the right person to tell you that your thoughts are unreasonable because you perceive that as him not listening to you. It’s a vicious circle that can’t be broken precisely because you aren’t doing this out of malice but your bf can’t reassure you either.

I’m really sorry OP - are you ND or have another diagnosis like anxiety or OCD?

My mum is like this with me and does similar things, I could say to her right now 'I'm going to go on holiday to Spain' and she would reply that I wasn't really going to Spain, I was just telling her I was going to Spain and really I'm going somewhere else to meet up with a man and why do I need to lie and not just say what I really mean.

It doesn't end there though, Then she will go on and on for weeks about the fact I'm not telling her the truth and life would be better for everyone if I just said it like it is, why would I lie to her about going to Spain when I'm not going to Spain and clearly I don't love her because I can't just tell her the truth that I'm going meeting a man in another Country (this man doesn't exist, all in her head..)

She makes entire situations up in her head then fully believes that's the truth and no matter what you say or do once she has made her mind up then that is that. I could tell her the sky is blue and she would tell me it isn't blue, it's black, why am I lying about the sky being blue and trying to gaslight her into thinking it was blue...

Sometimes she falls out with me for things I haven't even done, she thinks I did it then starts believing her own made up story, Sometimes she falls out with me for things she thinks I MIGHT do in the future.

It's destroyed everything and I no longer feel I have a mother, It's tedious needing to explain my every thought or action and then have to walk on eggshells for days/weeks. and yes you feel like you are being watched like a hawk and every thought, movement, action or word gets picked apart and you have to give a reason for everything.

You will ruin the relationship and push him away in the end because people can only take so much before they walk away.

please get help for your mental health, I wish you all the best.

The bad will eventually outweigh the good for him OP, it sounds like it already is, or it is starting to and he is trying to tell you. If you can't believe him or trust him then you need to let him go.

He hears you, he's just had enough of placating you, as it makes no difference to the outcome, it is your problem to deal with, not his problem to validate you.

It's basically abuse at this point, and doing it when he is due to go out is VERY intentional, you could easily stop doing that you but you are choosing not to.

@chopchop96 you know that the more you pressure him, the more likely he is to pull away; you’re actually making your fears of him leaving a reality! I’m wondering if not knowing exactly how he feels is one of the hardest things… the thing is that we never truly know what is going on in someone else’s mind; falling in love and being in a couple is an act of faith and hope, it takes courage! We can also never control our partners and the more we try to, the more they will want to be free. I’m sure you know this already but I think it’s important to accept this before agreeing to be in a relationship. Also look up rejection dysphoria, might help to understand this a bit.
I wonder if something like this workbook could help you alongside therapy, it helped me a lot - www.amazon.com/Neurodivergent-Friendly-Workbook-DBT-Skills/dp/B09S9JBS8G
you really need to be very firm with yourself about your behaviour to your partner (it’s okay to feel jealous and anxious, just not check up on him and control him and mean that he is not able to love his life fully); and if you can’t you need some time as a single person in therapy working this through

Op - this relationship has no future. Once this pattern sets in - its impossible to change.
The only way you’ll learn and change is with time and seeing consequences of your actions/behaviours. And possibly, medication.

I hope your bf leaves to save himself from this. You feel him pull away - sure. It’s a normal reaction to protect yourself from abuse. He needs to pick himself up and leave - for both of your sakes.

I have been like you when I was young. As in - had lots of doubts about myself, didnt think anybody could really love me. Found evidence of my narrative, suffered. This is not uncommon.

But the sort of arguments you describe - where you start discussions at night and/or make him late for work in the morning - this is not to do with MH or your brain. This is pure selfishness. Where you put yourself and your emotions above everything and everybody else in life. The only way you will change is by making the mistakes, and learning with the fallout.

It sounds like you have an insecure attachment. Have you read the book attached?

I’ve not read the other answers, but during EMDR therapy you are massively more sensitive to triggers. It gets worse before it gets better. EMDR is so hard, it’s literally re-opening old wounds that you’ve buried for good reasons, and feeling all the feelings you were to terrified to feel back then.

That makes being in a relationship hard. If I were you, I’d cut my losses and pour all my energy into doing the therapy and healing so you’re in a better place for your next relationship?

Have you done DBT? It’s excellent for emotional regulation and calming triggers. If you’ve got Pinterest, there’s loads of cheat sheets/infographics on there which might help. DBT skills are really useful to have while going through EMDR.

I also recommend looking at practicing self-conpassion. In a nutshell, how would you take care of/advise your best friend if she was in this situation? In the short term - cup of tea, chocolate, familiar TV. And in the long term - having the courage to remove yourself from the relationship that’s doing more harm than good right now.

Sending you a big hand hold, keep going with your therapy, it will get better. 💐

No one is "head over heels in love" two years in, so I think you need to reframe your expectations about what a long term relationship looks like. Is he dependable? Consistent? Kind? Are you a team? Do you laugh together? Do you have similar goals? Do you enjoy spending time together? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself. The fireworks die down but if you genuinely enjoy each others company and have a friendship underlying it all, then thats the thing that will see you through in the long term.

I have been here before OP have you had a traumatic past experience eith relationships or previous emotional abuse that you now no longer recognize what love feels like so need that constant validation and reassurance? I know you said you have tried medication but sertraline worked really well for me it makes it a little bit worse before it gets a lot better it switches off all those thoughts. I feel for you and your boyfriend I can tell you love him and wish you could switch of your brain almost I supose adhd doesnt help either. Me and my partner went through 4 years of ups and downs both of us came from traumatic relationships both psychological and physical and in reality we weren't properly healed or ready despite feeling we where there was a lot of unresolved trauma causing constant doubt and overthinking. Honestly we then split for 3 months and it was the best thing we ever did. Time apart made us realise, now we are stronger than ever and we just know. Of course anyone's mind can easily sneak in a thought but you need to think of all the times you do know he loves you all those things he might do or a mantra as others have said and just "know". Have faith to believe some of this may be low self esteem you feel he is pulling away doesnt perhaps like you as much so work on your own confidence. Communication is also key but I think over talking about the issue makes it feel like its never going away try and focus on both having fun, dont over think (easier said than done i know) and by communication I just mean the little text updates about how ur days going whT ur up too. The good morning and goodnight texts. But please try to believe him, focus on light hearted fun and stop the minute those thoughts come in think back to see what has he actually done where is the truth in what I am thinking or am I just over thinking and over analyzing

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be difficult and exhausting for you both.
It's worth looking at the type of therapy that might help most. CBT can be great but other types such as DBT are sometimes better if you're neurodivergent.
I wonder if there's a bit of OCD going on? Many years ago, I had a similar spell of quite extreme, obsessive worry. And it wasn't enough to simply have the worry – the urge to ask for reassurance from DP was almost overwhelming. I've broken out of this now, although I do still struggle with anxiety.
When you get the urge to ask him something, see how long you can not say it for. Is it ten minutes? An hour? And how difficult is it for you? Initially, it can feel almost impossible, but the longer you can go, sometimes the urgency can slip away. A good idea is to write it down or capture it in some way so you know that you can bring it up later if you still care about it. If you need to ask him something in the morning – try writing it down and setting an alarm for later that day. Then try to do something else – go out, meet someone, go shopping, safe in the knowledge that you haven't forgotten about it. When the alarm goes off later, see if you still feel as strongly. ERP therapy can be really helpful for OCD. Also citalopram and other ssri's can be really good for generalised anxiety and obsessive urges. You do have to wait a while for them to work, but they can really help.
Do you feel happy and fulfilled in your life outside of your relationship? Whenever I had this type of anxiety, I didn't have much going on to distract me, so all that nervous energy was channelled into unhelpful things and came out onto poor DP.

Wishing you the best. You can get through it!

I think this reassurance can work with a child, as you are their care giver and I have been doing this with my child but once someone becomes an adult they have to learn coping strategies for anxiety that DO NOT come from a reassuring care giver, as that person will just become completely overwhelmed by the responsibility especially when it doesn’t work.

My partner is a people pleaser and I have anxiety and we had an issue 2 years in where I was offloading all my little anxious stresses outloud to him, and he was trying to help me and he broke up with me over it. I had such a shock to my system I have had no choice but to change and stop voicing out loud every thing that’s bothering me in the moment and I agree, just feel it. What you are doing OP is using your partner as a trauma dumping bucket. You don’t like the feeling so you are compelled to share it to feel better and get rid of it - it doesn’t work. You don’t feel better. You don’t need to share every feeling and thought with other people. Other people don’t always like your thoughts either. But feeling them can be very scary and when we were not heard as children this can be the result

with us it was never him that was bothering me. I would feel stressed and anxious and be stress dumping about everything else (work, life, health) I really had to take stock of my very unhealthy coping strategies and find new ones. OP you need to work harder on that. There are so many ways you could try to re-centre yourself once these thoughts start rather than voicing them so you need to start trying

Sorry OP, no way I could live like your partner is. I think you're not well enough to be in a relationship currently. You need therapy to work on yourself. Good luck.