Sister pulled out of organising my hen without telling me fist

[Drows]

Just found out that my sister (moh) has pulled out of planning my hen without telling me first. She messaged the other bridesmaids who are planning the hen and informed them of her decision. And then texted me after.

We are best friends but things have just been weird between us recently. Sister said she felt she needed to protect her mental health and thought taking a step back was best for our relationship. She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting but I’m humiliated. I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Obviously everyone is being understanding and saying all the right things. But we could have figured something to save face. I could have reached out to another bridesmaids and just said “can you take the reins as my sister has had something come up”.

I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

Good you have apologised.
Do it again!

"Demanding" is code for being a complete fxxking nightmare.

Get a grip.
Your relationship with your sister is at risk.
This may change how she thinks of you forever, and rightly so.

Find your manners, self respect and basic curtesy for others.

Its a wedding.
Stop making a total unnecessary drama out of it.

YOU have humiliated yourself, not your sister.

Your sister had boundaries and self respect and has shown that to the other women.

Think long and hard about whether or not loosing the respect and friendship of those around you is worth a one day wedding?

I have heard of a few painful young women who found the aftermath of their wedding very upsetting, as their friendship group firmly backed away from them permanently because of their ridiculous demands.

You have been warned.

*MellowCritic thank you. *

In your shoes, I would be more concerned that I had somehow adversely affected my dear sister’s mental health rather than being worried that I had lost face.
Losing face every now and then helps keep us grounded and humble. Be grateful for what you have, especially family and friends and also the lessons presented to you -and be sad for your sister who you have taken for granted and treated poorly. She isn’t obliged to be your kicking boy just because you are getting married and have other worries on top of that stress.

You are wise enough to admit you have been too demanding (very honest of you!) so all you need to do is reflect a little, apologise to your sister with heartfelt sincerity, and resolve to be less demanding in future. Your other bridesmaids will ensure you have a good hen party if you thank them properly and show them real respect for helping out.

You also need to realise that others also have their own real worries and sorrows to deal with, not just you. We are all on a learning curve all the time OP, even with a very sad end of life situation to deal with. You must never use your worries as an excuse to be demanding.
Good luck with everything. I hope the hen and wedding go well for you.

I'm guessing this is a reverse. IRL, any bridezilla whose hen night is cancelled lacks insight into their own behaviour which contributed to it

Yes, there should be no circumstances in which planning any aspect of your wedding or hen do should be having an adverse effect on your sister/bridesmaid's mental health.

I hope the feeling of humiliation is because the OP has realised that she has been a complete bridezilla about everything.

OP is not coming back because she doesn't like the answers here. Probably busy trying to find another victim person to organise an extravagant hen🙄

Why do hen dos have to be such a palaver nowadays? We just went to the pub. It's too much money/effort/time for lots of people.

OP, it sounds like you've got carried away and become a Bridezilla.

If you have specific demands re your Hen, it's better that you plan it yourself rather than expect someone else to rearrange things when you decide they're not good enough.

This is a warning that your wedding planning is starting to alienate your nearest and dearest. Take it. It's just a big party.

You are so candid about your faults (which demanding people rarely are) that I'm wondering if this is a reversey percy thread and you are the put upon sister.

If you are the bride though, it's good that you are so self aware and are able to look at both sides of it. It's reasonable of your sister to back out due to your demands and her mental health. But unreasonable of her not to tell you first. Do you think she was worried about how you might react or that you would bulldoze her into changing her decision? This way the other bridesmaids know first so it's a done deal.

You can salvage this. Be sympathetic to your sister, chat with the others about the plans for the hen (making clear you are understanding about your sister's position) and FGS be realistic about your expectations and grateful for what others do for you.

Sounds like she has made the right decision.

She must have had her reasons to do this. It’s also rather telling that you are more concerned about how this looks for you rather than your sister’s welfare.

It’s crazy how brides of today can behave when it comes to hen dos. There seems to be a complete lack of thought towards the costs and logistics of everything. I think it’s rather sad what weddings have become for some.

Sorry but it sounds like your sister WANTED your bridesmaids/friends to hear it from her first & have her side out in the open so the the whole "I could have done something to save face" is a bit of a piss take

I don't know what you & your sisters relationship is like in general but for neutrality sake I do feel bad for you as well as getting married can be a stressful situation

You have been so demanding that your own sister has walked away.
I think maybe you need to take a good and honest look at yourself.

I'm thinking bridezilla perhaps.

Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Nice touch there! Doubt it has anything to do with your bridezilla behaviour.

Exactly. Surely if anything, this would make you realise what’s important in life, and not to sweat the small stuff?!

Good on your sister walking away. Hopefully you have not permanently harmed your relationship with her.

I assume this is a reverse as a demanding person is rarely self reflective!

Personally I think she did the right thing by letting the other bridesmaids know first, as it will obviously fall to them to pick up the slack.
Maybe take on board why she felt she had to take such drastic action and reflect on how you’re treating others. What you consider “demanding and exacting” clearly isn’t coming across well to those being impacted by your behaviour

I really wouldn't worry about 'saving face', as I'm sure the other bridesmaids know from experience what a nightmare you're being.

It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

I think there really IS something going on between you and your sister, doesnt just look like there is.

I'm sure it's not too late for a sincere apology.

Im sorry to hear about your fiancé's stepdad but that should be one more reason for you to put things in perspective and put your heart on what really matters!

Enjoy your wedding!🌻

Well, it looks like something weird is going on because there IS something weird going on. You are not treating your sister (who does't have robust mental health) with due regard and respect. She didn't speak to you because speaking to you was too hard.
Treat her with honour.
Do most of the wedding planning yourself and feel gratitude if others hold a hens do for you. A hens do is not manditory after all.
Think about what really matters. Cherish your family.
Love to be a kind bride.

If "saving face" is really all your bothered about here, rather than being understanding and concerned for your sister, then it is obvious why she has had to do what she has done, you would never have let her go quietly or without blame.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but she's done the right thing to be honest, if your FIL is end of life you should be concentrating on that and supporting your fiance, not being ridiculously picky and choosy about a hen do.

When is the wedding? Can preparations for the wedding & hen do be put on hold for a while.

Your fiancés dad is about to die, and you’re making such a drama about a fucking hen do?

Sick. I don’t blame your sister.