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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sister pulled out of organising my hen without telling me fist

220 replies

Drows · 03/04/2025 23:59

Just found out that my sister (moh) has pulled out of planning my hen without telling me first. She messaged the other bridesmaids who are planning the hen and informed them of her decision. And then texted me after.

We are best friends but things have just been weird between us recently. Sister said she felt she needed to protect her mental health and thought taking a step back was best for our relationship. She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting but I’m humiliated. I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Obviously everyone is being understanding and saying all the right things. But we could have figured something to save face. I could have reached out to another bridesmaids and just said “can you take the reins as my sister has had something come up”.

I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

OP posts:
NatureOverNightclubs · 04/04/2025 08:27

Trust me OP as someone who has been dragged into several weddings and hen dos literally nobody other than you and your Mum are remotely interested in either. In fact most of us are relieved when it's all over. Your poor sister is probably at the end of her rope.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2025 08:31

Drows · 04/04/2025 00:16

I just probably haven’t expressed as much gratitude as I should have. And I made sister rearrange things I just don’t like the sound of. I have apologised. We normally never fall out

Edited

So basically being a Bridezilla?

I think you might need to have a frank chat with some huge apologies in there

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/04/2025 08:35

"I admit I am demanding and can be exacting"

Yiiiiikes.

If you are admitting this about yourself then you are a bridezilla for sure.

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself here.

StScholastica · 04/04/2025 08:35

A relationship with a sibling is the most long lasting relationship in most people's lives.
Don't risk it for anything.

Whatisgoingonhere · 04/04/2025 08:36

Oh my goodness, what is wrong with people?!?! It’s one fucking day, get over yourself.

I understand women wanting to feel special on your wedding day, but so many (e.g. you!) are total twats about it, forgetting what the day is actually for - two people who love each other forming a (hopefully) lasting union.

It doesn’t matter near as much to other people as it does to you, so suck it up and stop being so fucking ridiculous over it!

“Bridezillas” are so fucking embarrassing. Your poor sister.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/04/2025 08:38

Drows · 04/04/2025 00:16

I just probably haven’t expressed as much gratitude as I should have. And I made sister rearrange things I just don’t like the sound of. I have apologised. We normally never fall out

Edited

Wow. I can’t imagine why she no longer wishes to organise it.

Langdale3 · 04/04/2025 08:38

Your priority is to mend your relationship with your sister. Could you meet her for a walk and talk? What the others think doesn’t matter so much.

TheGentleOpalMember · 04/04/2025 08:39

You're not even owed a 'hen do'. Many brides don't have them. That they are organising one for you is lovely, and you should be grateful for whatever they choose. It's not your business to make decisions or intervene on the hen do. Go with the flow and be grateful for whatever you get. So keep out of it.

Stravaig · 04/04/2025 08:47

Just to add OP, when you say fiancés step dad is end of life, my immediate wedding planning thought is — we could have an intimate ceremony at his bedside, right now, if that's what fiancé and SD would like, and then have a blessing / celebration / party at later date, when it feels right to.

babasaclover · 04/04/2025 08:53

the fact that you are more worried about saving face and people not thinking something is going f on that your actual sisters feelings tells me what sort of bridezilla you are 😂

brombatz · 04/04/2025 08:53

Pretty much sounds like she's organised stuff and you've told to change it to something else without much thought for her feelings.

The bottom line isn't that it LOOKS like something is going on with you and your sister but that it IS going on and your relationship is at best rocky.

I have a sister that has no idea of the emotional impact of her words, can send me into a spiral for weeks and months, do take more care of her and organise your own damn do if you're that picky.

OMGitsnotgood · 04/04/2025 08:53

I just probably haven’t expressed as much gratitude as I should have. And I made sister rearrange things I just don’t like the sound of.

in all honesty, I think I’d have pulled out too. I don’t blame you for wanting things exactly as you want them for your hen do - I’d be the same - but would organise it myself and delegate specific jobs if I needed a hand.

pimplebum · 04/04/2025 08:59

If my sister did this I’d be mortified I had behaved in such a way that I’d damaged another persons mental health and be doing all I could to make amends , what have you done ?

your concern seems to be for your image and how things may appear to others

making her rearrange things you don’t like is extreme bridezilla behaviour you are lucky you have hens who are willing to pick up the slack - are you behaving the same towards them ?

rrrrrreatt · 04/04/2025 09:04

medlobath · 04/04/2025 05:17

Geez I'm so glad I got married in the early 90's. Bride or MOH would ring - yes using a real phone -around a bunch of friends / SIL's etc ( could be just 4 or 5 or 20) and settle on a night that suited the most. . Book a restaurant that served great food and lots of booze. Everyone would offer to split the bill excluding the bride to be. No pressure, then all stumble out to the nearest nightclub and dance and drink like lunatics. End was either a tragic call to partner from a public phone, or flagging down a taxi, or someone pashing either the waiter or someone at the nightclub. . And then a massive sleep in the next day. Easy as. No drama . Small cost. Heaps of fun.
My 30yo DS went on a bucks last year that cost the equivalent of 900 pounds, and was only two nights ( one in a motel) , and only a 2 hour plane ride. The groom had booked a hugely expensive private yacht for the day in between Guys started dropping out because of the cost. Which made it cost more and more for those who had already agreed to go. It's so silly now.
Let's be honest once those bucks get drinking they won't know where they are. Better to be close to home.

This is basically what my hen do will be in the summer, except we’re going to start at lunchtime and it’s being organised via a WhatsApp group!

OP as others have said - your wedding is only the most important thing happening for you and your husband, everybody else has their own lives and priorities. Your MOH is meant to be someone you love, why would you want to put them through a huge amount of stress for a single day?!

Bananalanacake · 04/04/2025 09:09

Are you planning a complicated hen party involving plane flights, 2 days abroad and loads of money on stuff people can't afford. Why can't you book a table at a local restaurant and email round the details, people can decide if they want to go to a club afterwards.

Butchyrestingface · 04/04/2025 09:19

It seems perfectly logical for your sister to discuss with the other bridesmaids FIRST to check that they are able/willing to take the reins going forward before letting you know of the new arrangements. Imagine if she'd told you she was stepping back and then it turned out the other bridesmaids were unwilling/unable to take on her responsibilities. She's done the right thing here.

I imagine (or recommend) that you be nicer to the bridesmaids taking on the arrangements for the hen than you've apparently been to your sister. They're not related to you and will probably find it far easier to walk if you go full-on tonto on them.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/04/2025 09:22

For ‘demanding and exacting’, read ‘major bridezilla pain in the fuckin arse’ op. My god your poor sister. It’s a wedding, people have them all the time, it’s one day. You’ve obviously pushed her to her limits and she’s backed out to protect herself, she must feel terrible. You need to apologise big time and the sooner the better.

Letmecallyouback · 04/04/2025 09:27

Drows · 04/04/2025 00:16

I just probably haven’t expressed as much gratitude as I should have. And I made sister rearrange things I just don’t like the sound of. I have apologised. We normally never fall out

Edited

Demanding? Exacting? You know theres a relatively new terminology that is usually given to people like this don't you? The first part of the word is Bride. The second part of the word is less flattering. You're being a Bridezilla. Your relationship with your sister is far more important than one day that nobody else cares about the way you do.

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2025 09:32

Drows · 04/04/2025 00:16

I just probably haven’t expressed as much gratitude as I should have. And I made sister rearrange things I just don’t like the sound of. I have apologised. We normally never fall out

Edited

Bloody Hell, I feel for your sister and she has actually behaved really well here by saying she can't cope rether than just letting you down
And why are you more concerned about the way it looks to others than about your sisters MH and your behaviour?
How many people does it take to organise a Hen Do anyway? Possibly quite a few if you are expecting a lot and are being a pain in the arse about it
Hopefully it will still be Insta worthy for you

saraclara · 04/04/2025 09:34

Demanding and exacting are words used of a difficult boss in relation to his/her paid employees. Your sister is neither paid nor in your employ. It's bizarre that you think your entitled to be either of these things to your own sister who was using her free time to plan this event for you.

Letmecallyouback · 04/04/2025 09:38

saraclara · 04/04/2025 09:34

Demanding and exacting are words used of a difficult boss in relation to his/her paid employees. Your sister is neither paid nor in your employ. It's bizarre that you think your entitled to be either of these things to your own sister who was using her free time to plan this event for you.

Have to agree there. It does seem a bit entitled to be demanding and exacting of your own sibling. My sister would never put up with that from me.

RampantIvy · 04/04/2025 09:39

Just how much "help" do you need to plan a wedding?

All you need to do is book the venue(s), plan the menu, order the dresses for you and the bridesmaids and order the flowers.

Guests don't care if there are matchy matchy chair covers, they don't care about wedding favours or other unnecessary fripperies.

Guests care about whether they are fed and watered and not kept hanging around hungry and thirsty all day. They also want to be comfortably warm. We once left a wedding reception early because it was winter and the venue had no heating.

Guests also care about how much it will cost them to attend, so a child free wedding in the middle of nowhere with expensive accommodation will trim down the guest list significantly.

A wedding is a celebration of marriage, and the couple are the hosts to all the guests. Some bridezillas need to remember that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2025 09:43

RampantIvy · 04/04/2025 09:39

Just how much "help" do you need to plan a wedding?

All you need to do is book the venue(s), plan the menu, order the dresses for you and the bridesmaids and order the flowers.

Guests don't care if there are matchy matchy chair covers, they don't care about wedding favours or other unnecessary fripperies.

Guests care about whether they are fed and watered and not kept hanging around hungry and thirsty all day. They also want to be comfortably warm. We once left a wedding reception early because it was winter and the venue had no heating.

Guests also care about how much it will cost them to attend, so a child free wedding in the middle of nowhere with expensive accommodation will trim down the guest list significantly.

A wedding is a celebration of marriage, and the couple are the hosts to all the guests. Some bridezillas need to remember that.

It's not even the wedding, it's just the hen do!

God knows about the wedding planning, but I'm imagining spreadsheets and full-wall noticeboards with red threads connecting various items. Military precision!

kungfoofighting · 04/04/2025 09:47

I think you should probably reflect on what she’s told you. Whatever’s been going on it’s clearly had a big negative impact on her. It’s good she’s letting you know so you have a chance to repair things.

EdithBond · 04/04/2025 09:48

Whatever her reasons for pulling out, she should've spoken to you about it first.

If she didn’t, could it be that she was worried about your reaction?

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