Sister pulled out of organising my hen without telling me fist

[Drows]

Just found out that my sister (moh) has pulled out of planning my hen without telling me first. She messaged the other bridesmaids who are planning the hen and informed them of her decision. And then texted me after.

We are best friends but things have just been weird between us recently. Sister said she felt she needed to protect her mental health and thought taking a step back was best for our relationship. She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting but I’m humiliated. I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Obviously everyone is being understanding and saying all the right things. But we could have figured something to save face. I could have reached out to another bridesmaids and just said “can you take the reins as my sister has had something come up”.

I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

“She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me”

Yikes - you sound like you have a horrible case of the bridezilla’s …. It’s YOUR WEDDING!!! Organise it yourself hen and the wedding and be nicer to your sister!!!

It’s literally ONE DAY and not worth ruining a sister relationship for . A marriage is a lifetime (hopefully) a wedding is one day . Think about your priorities

You know what makes a memorable wedding? Not the ‘perfect’ matching wedding party, not the ‘perfectly’ planned theme, not the ‘perfect’ meal. It’s the feel. And it seems that - at this stage - yours is pretty toxic. You admit you’re overbearing and that you’ve demanded changes to things she’s arranged. I’d tell you to take a running jump. Honestly, no-one other than the bride and groom care in the longer run - and a lot of times the groom feels excluded as well.

You are more bothered about being humiliated and saving face than your sister's mental health and your relationship with your sister.

She probably knew you would try and talk her round or gaslight her "to save face" - your face- which is why she told the other bridesmaids first.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

your description of yourself is making it sound like it would be hard for paid planners to work with you. Your sister must have had a terrible time working with it.

I'd just play along with what everyone else is doing - put a brave face on it, accept the changes, and carry on as normal. Really, the mechanics of the hen do should be invisible to the bride; she just needs to show up on the day. The important thing was for the original planner (your sis) to pass her duties smoothly on to others who can handle them, and she's successfully done that without causing any serious disruption.

Thank her for all she's done, tell her you're happy she's your MOH, and reassure her that she's still welcome at the hen do even if she can't be involved in the planning. And maybe take it easy a little on the bridesmaids taking over the planning and thank them enthusiastically for being willing and able to step in at short notice.

Your sister told your friends first because she specifically doesn’t want you to “save face” in this situation- you’ve pushed her too far and she’s had enough of you. If you’re willing to admit you’re being a “bit much” it’s safe to say you’ve been hell on wheels. speak to your sister and wind your neck in.

Oh dear. You've 'done her head in' to coin a local phrase.

It sounds like she was there for you, did her best, but her best wasn't good enough.

At least she delegated and didn't leave you completely without.

You're humiliated?
Your sister isn't coping.

Happy wedding day.

She probably told bridesmaids before you so they could hear her reasoning and make it clear its not been an easy role, decision or experience for her. She maybe didnt want them to hear your angry venting about her being a let down alongside acknowledging shes aware the buck will now be passed to one of those bridesmaids. I do not understand these entire productions and castings and dramatics over weddings. Its an important day to you and your husband to be. Yeah sure people will be somewhere on a spectrum from disinterested to overjoyed for you but i can promise you none of them wish to be smothered by the planning and your wishes and expectations. The fact that its your own sister too... id take it as a sign to really sit with yourself and think your expectations and dialogue through because if shes fed up friends may be too and you dont want to look back on your wedding day and realise you lost a lot of friends after it all over lack of self awareness from being swept up in the joy. Its an exciting time, i genuinely wish you the best day and please dont take my twopence as criticism, i mean it very kindly x

It may not even be that she wants to humiliate you she may just have been utterly dreading your reaction and was avoiding it for as long as possible and wanted to go to you with a delegation so you wouldn't react as strongly. Which is understandable if you've been overly critical of her recently.

You should have responded to her efforts with gratitude not animosity.

Just tell the truth if someone asks? It's too much for her at the moment so someone else is taking over? Does it really matter? No one cares who does the organising

So, your sister is justifiably at the end of her rope with you. But all you seem to be concerned with is that she didn't cover up your nasty treatment of her to others?

I wouldn't doubt if her next step is to cut you off completely. Will you care about that, or only care about making sure no one else knows what you did?

She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting

That says it all. Seems you are a bridezilla. This is affecting her mental health and she has done the right thing by stepping down to save her sanity. You should be more concerned with the effect you have on others versus you feeling humiliated! If you didn’t act the way you have, there would have been no issue, so accept your part with good grace rather than trying to pretend it was all okay and ‘save face’.

Your hen and wedding should not be a huge source of stress for anyone. If you’re demanding and exacting, you should either arrange things yourself or pay a wedding planner.

That. It's just a hen party FFS. If you know what you want and you're demanding, organise it yourself.
My DD organised her own. Not because she's demanding but because she knew what she wanted (it was very low key) and she didn't consider it her right to get someone else to do all the work.

Seriously, if you and your sister have never fallen out before, you must have been a complete nightmare. Fortunately your starting to recognise that, so you need to fully and sincerely apologise, and make it up to her somehow.

Oh, and she did the right thing telling the other bridesmaids first. After all, they're the ones who might have to step up, so she needed to warn them and ensure they were on board.

If this are that stressful then maybe not have one in the first place?

I think you have to calm down and show a sight more gratitude than you obviously have. Your sister has taken the only avenue open to her, she’s said ‘enough’, well, enough for her.

if you want a hens, pick up the reigns yourself and hopefully then you will begin to appreciate how much others (esp your sister) is/are doing for you whilst trying desperately to negotiate the day to day demands of their own lives.

No matter how important your wedding is to you, it's not the same for anyone else. You don't get to be demanding, especially when someone is dealing with a very ill family member.

OP your reaction is concerning. Why is your focus on your friends knowing, not whether your sister is ok?

Your wedding and the way you are acting has effected your Sister’s MENTAL HEALTH and your worried about saving face

Says it all really

Oh, OP. What a horrible thread to have started. It should read:

Worried I’ve damaged my relationship with my sister

I’ve been a bit(lot!) of a bridezilla, and pushed my sister (MOH) so far over the edge that she has had to pull out of organising my Hen for the sake of her mental health.
How do I win back her trust and respect, and let her know how grateful I am for all that she has done and to have her by my side?
I have of course learned my lesson and will behave like a normal human being for the remainder of the planning process, but I really want to make sure my sister is OK and repair the damage I have done.

It's not your sister's wedding. If the wedding is such a big deal, then you plan it. Putting pressure on other people over YOUR wedding is appalling behaviour.

OP, kindly, the only person that your wedding is a big deal to, is you. Possibly your mother too. Even your husband probably isn’t that bothered about wedding details

You sound more concerned about how things look and what other people think than what’s going on with you sister which doesn’t sound great to be honest.
She decided to step back but made sure things were covered before she did so/didn’t worry you about it before then, sounds like she handled it pretty well.

... also to add, perhaps she didn't tell you first because of how she thought you might react or what you might tell others so frontfooted it. I'd just step back for a bit and realise it's not a big deal and better that she pulled out early

And your reaction to this is being miffed about not being told first @Drows ? Can't you see she was trying to find someone else who could step up?
And you don't have the right to treat people oike shit just because you're getting married. If you have been giving her a hard time about the wedding already the hen do organising was probably just too much for her.
You need to set your priorities straight. A picture perfect wedding will not guarantee a happy marriage. People are more important than artifice don't forget that.