Sister pulled out of organising my hen without telling me fist

[Drows]

Just found out that my sister (moh) has pulled out of planning my hen without telling me first. She messaged the other bridesmaids who are planning the hen and informed them of her decision. And then texted me after.

We are best friends but things have just been weird between us recently. Sister said she felt she needed to protect her mental health and thought taking a step back was best for our relationship. She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting but I’m humiliated. I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Obviously everyone is being understanding and saying all the right things. But we could have figured something to save face. I could have reached out to another bridesmaids and just said “can you take the reins as my sister has had something come up”.

I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

My sister did the same. I understood as she had a baby and couldn’t afford it but it was sad. It also resulted in the hen a friend planned being nothing like what I would have chosen and I was really uncomfortable the whole time. It ended in tears.

However, a year on, it isn’t worth arguing with your sister and falling out about. It’s just a night out, you haven’t been ‘single’ for a long time so it’s not like the old days. Try and have fun, tell them if anything unacceptable to you like naked men.

Geez I'm so glad I got married in the early 90's. Bride or MOH would ring - yes using a real phone -around a bunch of friends / SIL's etc ( could be just 4 or 5 or 20) and settle on a night that suited the most. . Book a restaurant that served great food and lots of booze. Everyone would offer to split the bill excluding the bride to be. No pressure, then all stumble out to the nearest nightclub and dance and drink like lunatics. End was either a tragic call to partner from a public phone, or flagging down a taxi, or someone pashing either the waiter or someone at the nightclub. . And then a massive sleep in the next day. Easy as. No drama . Small cost. Heaps of fun.
My 30yo DS went on a bucks last year that cost the equivalent of 900 pounds, and was only two nights ( one in a motel) , and only a 2 hour plane ride. The groom had booked a hugely expensive private yacht for the day in between Guys started dropping out because of the cost. Which made it cost more and more for those who had already agreed to go. It's so silly now.
Let's be honest once those bucks get drinking they won't know where they are. Better to be close to home.

I think you might have lost perspective a bit. The actual ceremony is pretty much the same at all weddings and the rest is just a party. It isn’t worth upsetting the people you love.

No wonder she has given up, I doubt anyone else would want to take it up either, the worst kind of bride. Do you never fall out because she usually gives in to you? I thought this was a reverse actually.

It sounds like you have been quite demanding to the point where she has had to walk away. Even now it’s about you and how it looks, have you asked her how she is?
It’s just a hen, let your other bridesmaids manage the details and say sorry to your sister for making things hard for her. Can you do something to make it up like a spa day?

Oh dear op it sounds like you have become bridezilla and are at risk of ruining your relationship with your sister. Take a step back, arrange a drink or meal out for the two of you and spend some time finding out what’a happening in her life…it’s not all about you and you’ll regret it after the wedding.

i have an inkling this could be a reverse though?

If you are demanding and exacting, sort your own bloody hen out.
Is she still going to be moh?

A wedding is one day of your life. Your situation with your sister is much more important. There are plenty of people who I assume regret being bridezilla if that’s the case. I think your sister is right if you are exacting you need to organise. I don’t think anyone is probably concerned that you were the last to know other than you. If she left it weeks to tell you that’s a whole other situation. Was she wary to tell you? A wedding I think should be about love and the people you care about.

Would you not have rather organised it your self just to make sure you go lt what you'd have preferred? How bad was it?

This. The fact you use the terms exacting and demanding shows exactly what sort of bride you are - the sort that treat bridesmaids who are just there to help you, worse than paid staff. Second the others who say you likely owe her an apology

It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I

If you're afraid of people knowing you're upsetting your sister, don't upset your sister. Your focus here is all on yourself.

Sounds like you are a pain in the arse.
Your sister has to think of herself and her mental health
You were obviously a bit much to take. At least she withdrew before you had a big fall out

100% this!!

You’ve identified you may be too demanding, please take the self reflection a little further and think how your sister must have felt to get to that point that she has to step away from you for her mental health! Your reaction here shouldn’t be about things looking bad to your friends.
Is there a chance here you’ve been more “blunt” and less grateful because she’s your sister and you can be more yourself around her? If it was a different friend organising things would your reactions to their suggestions have been the same?

Also in the gentlest possible way, no one cares about your Hen do or your wedding as much as you. They just want to celebrate with you and have a good time, not feel like they’re meeting set criteria or demands and potentially not living up to your “exacting” standards.

How about sending chocolates and flowers round, apologise for anything you need to, then take a much more active role in planning your own hen party? You’re allowed to not want certain things to happen at your hen party, but maybe you just had very different ideas of what it would be and she got a bit fed up?

The continuing ridiculousness of an English wedding...
If you need you hen party 'organised' then clearly you are expecting more than dinks and a meal. Which will add to the costs for those attending it, unless you are being generous and paying for everyone.
You're going to be the centre of attention on the actual day, so why not rein in the hen?
Main yabu tho' is that you've mentioned your dying Step-FiL, using him to shore up your argument, yet have you considered what will happen if he dies before at an 'inconvenient' time to the wedding/hen/stag. Will you go ahead?

Organise your own wedding and hen do?? Having someone else organise it is some weird??

See this as a wake up call. You need to work on yourself and the demands if it’s got to the point of it affecting her MN. The other bridesmaids probably can’t stand you either.

Plan your own stuff if you’re that much of a demanding bridezilla.

You already know that your actions have caused your sister stress and upset, so much so that she’s had to step away from helping in order to protect her mental health.

Yet your first thought is to be upset with her that she embarrassed you in front of your friends. That she didn’t come to you first so that you could make up a lie to make you look better in front of others 🤯

The title/theme of your post should be “I’ve been a bridezilla and upset my sister….. what can I do to try repair the damage and make it up to my sister?”

But it’s not. It’s wah wah I’m under a lot of stress, I’m just a bit demanding and exacting, shouldn’t my sister have made me look good rather than protecting her own mental health? And asking AIBU suggests that you still don’t think you are, you are hoping the poll will say the opposite and you can carry on upsetting your sister. (It won’t. You need to majorly apologise).

Make up with your sister. Tell her you want her to plan your hen and have it as a surprise. Don't be involved in any of the details, just show up and have fun. Nobody wants demanding and exacting. I'm sorry your going through a hard time but it sounds like your sister is aswell dont let this destroy your relationship.

OP you should have posted this in relationships not aibu, you’d get more balanced responses. Sorry out your future fil that must be very stressful with wedding coming up too.

Her behaviour is immature, I think she should absolutely have addressed it directly with you first. It sounds as if she is hurt though and wanted to hurt you back. You clearly have some insight into your own behaviour so try to have an adult to adult conversation with her and perhaps be the bigger person and start with an apology for your own behaviour if you’ve hurt her feelings.

The other bridesmaids will be well aware what youve been like about the wedding/hen so I don’t think you’ve lost face. Your sister has provided you with an opportunity for genuine reflection and to make amends to all involved. Relationships matter so much more than reputation or perfection.

You sound very hard work. Why does saving face with your other bridesmaids mean so much?
Many brides put way too much pressure on bridesmaids. Their job is to help you on the day, not much else.
Why are you not prioritising your sister's mental health?

Your sister likely wanted tell others the truth before you had a chance to spread any lies about her, and so they knew what to expect if you tried to co-opt any of them into organising instead. It's not her job to help you save face - and you are rather missing the point.

This is a moment to face some harsh truths about yourself - that you can be an unpleasant person, who treats others badly, and who doesn't value the right things.

If you don't do some personal growth now, there's little point in getting married, as your new husband isn't going to stick around for much of this behaviour either.

@Drows

Use this as a learning opportunity.

You admit that you are demanding and exacting. Even in this situation, where your DSis has decided to step back, you're trying to 'manage' the circumstances.

This is a sliding doors moment in how you treat people in the future.

Focus on the important stuff - support your fiancé at this difficult time for his family, nurture important relationships in your life, show gratitude and appreciation.

Oof it sounds like you have acted very badly and have some making up to do….