Sister pulled out of organising my hen without telling me fist

[Drows]

Just found out that my sister (moh) has pulled out of planning my hen without telling me first. She messaged the other bridesmaids who are planning the hen and informed them of her decision. And then texted me after.

We are best friends but things have just been weird between us recently. Sister said she felt she needed to protect her mental health and thought taking a step back was best for our relationship. She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting but I’m humiliated. I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Obviously everyone is being understanding and saying all the right things. But we could have figured something to save face. I could have reached out to another bridesmaids and just said “can you take the reins as my sister has had something come up”.

I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

Sounds like you've been a Bridezilla and she's had enough.

Based on this post and your self awareness, I think you and your sister will be able to sort this out.
Just apologise to her for making her so stressed and take it from there. Take a breather for a little while if your soon to be FIL is at the end of his life too.

You’re not bothered about how you’ve treated your sister and impact on her mental health, you’re just bothered about saving face? I’m sorry about your fiancé’s dad, but you don’t sound pleasant to be around

You’re humiliated because you’ve behaved badly and everyone is now seeing this. I understand that’s not nice but it’s a good opportunity for some self reflection, apologies and a big attitude shift!

So, you admit that you've been demanding and ungrateful, to the extent that your sister has had to take a step back for the sake of her mental health. And your main concern is that she didn't tell you first so that you could invent a story that would enable you to "save face"?

Please just take a step back and think about this. Is this really the person that you want to be?

This is why planning your own hen is best. A close friend of mine knew exactly what she wanted, checked who was on board with the plans and did all the booking etc.

Your sister has done nothing wrong. By your own admission you have been difficult and a bridezilla by sounds of it. Your reaction you are more worried what others think than the damage to your relationship says it all and probably explains why she told them first as she knew you would spin it to make her sound flaky rather thsn the truth.

I would send her flowers, apologise and acknowledge the work she put in. You might need to adjust your expectations for the hen or book it yourself if you have exacting standards no1 can reach

You sound more bothered by how it might look to people than that your relationship with you sister might be damaged. Take her for lunch or something. And think about how you might be alienating other people, make sure you haven’t treated them the same. It’s just a wedding.

You can organise your own hen do and wedding. No one else was involved in organising our wedding apart from DH and me and I didn't have a hen do, I know very few people who have.

None of this stuff is essential apart from the exchange of wedding vows. Get a sense of proportion and prioritise your relationship with your sister.

I think you probably need to take a breath and put things into perspective.

Your wedding is a big deal to you and your Fiancé, as it should be. For everyone else it’s a party they’ve been invited to. They will enjoy seeing you have a happy day, but it’s not a big deal for them.

A hen do, is a meal and night out, it shouldn’t take excessive planning or cost the attendees a lot to attend, it shouldn’t take excessive be fun, a chance to catch up with your friends, to spend some time with the women in your life that you value having around you.

If you’ve turned it into a stressful, difficult thing to arrange then you’ve gone overboard.

I don't understand why someone else has to plan your hen do?

Perhaps use it as a positive and have a smaller hen do. I am sure given your future FIL being near the end of life means that they will be understanding.

Maybe she just wanted to wish them good luck…

I’d take some time and have a reflect, if your fiancés dad is end of life, then maybe this isn’t the wedding you thought it was going to be. Maybe scale back your ideas some, to be frank, your wedding, while important, nay not be the most important thing going on.

It reflects badly because your sister is at the end of her tether and has expressed how low she’s feeling and all you seem concerned with is how it looks to other people. It looks bad because you know you’ve behaved poorly and it’s put her in this state, not because she’s in the wrong for feeling like this.

Surely your FIL situation is sign enough to rise above this whole “the world revolves around my wedding day” mentality and actually be there for your loved ones.

To be honest, you come across as caring more about how this makes you look, and the need to save face, than the fact your sister has told you that she needs to step back for the sake of her mental health.

Maybe take this opportunity to take a good look in the mirror and put some energy into fixing the relationship.

And perhaps stop being so demanding about your hen do. Your sister is struggling, your fiancé is dealing with a difficult and upsetting situation, prioritise the things that matter.

I can’t put into words as well as some others other than to say OMG it’s a hen do. That’s all. Why do you need to save face, why is it such a big deal. You sound horrific and you have lost a grip on reality. I am so worried reading your post for your sister and what she is experiencing. She’s not there to be ordered around and jump to your command. Take a real hard look at yourself not just about the hen do but the wedding as well.

Yes, I was shocked that OPs priority is about “losing face” rather than losing her sister.

Sounds like you have been a bridezilla. Chill out.

But we could have figured something to save face.

You feel bad because she embarrassed you?

I’m getting reverse vibes with this one.

Just in case though, it rather sounds like you’ve only apologised because you’re embarrassed everyone knows the truth of this situation, not that you’re actually sorry for it. You’ve affected your sister’s mental health so badly that she’s felt the need to take this action. Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for that alone. You admit you’ve been demanding, exacting and haven’t thanked her enough. If even you can see that, the reality is almost certainly far worse.

Personally I’d scale things right back from what you were thinking and apologise to everyone for your behaviour. Spend some time trying to put things right with your sister and hope that she’s willing to hear you. And for sure do the entire organisation of whatever hen do you have yourself. The last thing you want to do now is upset your friends the way you have upset your sister.

I'm going to agree with @TidyDancer and ask if this is a reverse?
If so, just talk to your sister and explain that it's all got a bit much. Maybe just suggest something more modest and low-key.

A much nicer way to give advice to op rather then the abuse she's getting and the copy and paste replies she's receiving.

You’re ‘demanding and exacting’ when it comes to someone else organising your hen do? A celebration of you?

That sounds pretty rubbish, to be fair, and I’d want well out of it too. Where’s the joy? Where’s the love? Where’s the ability to just go with the flow and laugh at yourself?

You sound like quite hard work in your post. Hen do’s are meant to be fun for all involved. Just little fun things. Don’t let them morph into massive ‘must be perfect’ self regarding spectacles of needless expenditure and pointless self-absorption. You’re destined to be disappointed and to lose friends in the process.

But we could have figured something to save face

Oh, OP. This says it all really. You’re clearly concerned with optics more than the humans in your life. How about caring about your sister and looking at your behaviour and what damage it has caused?

Time for some difficult self reflection.