Sister pulled out of organising my hen without telling me fist

[Drows]

Just found out that my sister (moh) has pulled out of planning my hen without telling me first. She messaged the other bridesmaids who are planning the hen and informed them of her decision. And then texted me after.

We are best friends but things have just been weird between us recently. Sister said she felt she needed to protect her mental health and thought taking a step back was best for our relationship. She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me. I admit I am demanding and can be exacting but I’m humiliated. I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life.

Obviously everyone is being understanding and saying all the right things. But we could have figured something to save face. I could have reached out to another bridesmaids and just said “can you take the reins as my sister has had something come up”.

I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I.

Your relationship with your sister should last a lifetime. She shared your childhood, she’s the only person who will get you on many levels

I’m guessing your late 20s or early 30s. All going well you will have up to 60 more years with your sister. I guarantee you will looses touch with some of the women going to your hens.

a wedding is one day & a party. A hens is a party. Parties are supposed to be fun. You are being such a pain in the arse that the parties are not fun for your sister.

Refelect on what you want out of life. Good relationships or perfectly choreographed events.

The other bridesmaids will be well aware what youve been like about the wedding/hen so I don’t think you’ve lost face

That. You lost face when you got difficult and demanding. There's nothing you could have done or said about your sister dropping out, that would have hidden anything.

Sounds like you have treated her badly and she has reached the end of her tolerance for it. Treat everyone well, always especially your family.

Apologise to her and accept his is her decision.

Should last a lifetime but won't necessarily. There's a much bigger back story between my sister and I that I won't go into.But her wedding was the start of a lifelong fallout.

I just couldn't stand her behaviour over it. Her selfishness, her rudeness. And her sniping at me for saying, at least i'm getting married.

But like my sister, I think the behaviour of over the wedding is just a the tip of the iceberg. I bet it's not the only area in which you're demanding and exacting, and I bet your sister had enough.

Food for thought it's just a wedding, it's just one day.It's the marriage you should be worried about, not the wedding.

After all, that, sniping and causing family fallouts over a wedding my sister's been through a pretty acrimonious divorce.Because no doubt her behaviour, her husband couldn't tolerate either.

So now she's lost him, and she's lost me and our parents are dead. Behaviour like that has a habit of pushing everybody away if you don't like the way somebody does something just do it yourself and don't be so nasty.

She says she feels like she is putting her heart and soul into my wedding and only being met with animosity and pushback from me”

Sounds like this is exactly what's happened if even you can admit you haven't been particularly grateful and have made her change things.

And you're still bothered about saving face.

Step back, reflect on what's important and amend your behaviour. Your hen night isn't that important or interesting to anyone else. People will be happy to celebrate but the fuss and details have become just expense and mental load because of your behaviour.

Sort yourself out, apologise, thank her for what she's done and concentrate being nicer in future. What were you thinking with this behaviour if you can even see it yourself?

I think your sister asked the bridesmaids to take over so that she didn’t add to your To Do pile.

so reframe it as your sister doing you a favour.

presumably your bridesmaids are good friends - so stop worrying what it looks like.

thank everyone for helping out/doing what they can - then move on.

Please learn from this OP
People are more important than events and perfection.

She sounds at the end of her tether and you sound like a rude nightmare. She's talked to your other bridesmaids first to ensure a smooth transition and to present you with a fait accompli because she NEEDS out, without whatever nastiness you appear to have been throwing her.

I appreciate it is difficult with a family member on EOL but there's asking for some leeway and understanding and there's wielding it as a weapon. I suspect you've probably done the latter without giving a shit about what might be going on with anyone else. I've known someone with a FiL on EOL over the wedding. Other than one brief, pressure-induced moment she managed to not be a dick. It's possible.

I can imagine it is really hard to think straight when a parent is terminally ill, you need to be there for your df and family.
Maybe you can message the bridemaids in case they've felt it too? and humbly ask them to forgive you (if you have)for being a bridezilla. Explain you just haven't been thinking straight and how much of a pain you've been. Ask if they can just surprise you with a hen do of their own ideas. No expectations! As long as you celebrate together is what counts.

You've potentially ruined your relationship with your sister because you didn't like the way she planned a party for you. It is essentially a party.

Get some perspective and fast.

Demanding and exacting? Ffs it's only a hen do and a wedding. It sounds like you are a Bridezilla and instead of going with the flow, you are making unreasonable demands and wanting to be treated like a princess. Get over yourself. It's about a marriage. Not the hen do and one wedding day (and let me guess; you're expecting an entire weekend for the hen do, rather than one night like is the normal tradition?). Please take a good hard long look at yourself and examine your expectations. Too many girls obsess over the 'hen do' and wedding 'day' and the stupid bloody details. Then feel let down after the wedding day because they think there is nothing to look forward to now. Examine your reasons for getting married. Is it for the hen do and wedding 'day' to be a princess? Or is it to live with this person for the rest of your life even in the bad and shitty times.

Sounds like you’re downplaying this.

Behaviour has consequences. If you’re going to behave like that, you have to accept some people aren’t going to put up with it.

Stop being a diva. No one can be fucked with that. Just organise things yourself. She must have been at her wits end with you.

"I’m humiliated."

"we could have figured something to save face."

"I wish she could have told me first. It makes it look like something very weird is going on between my sister and I."

Read those quotes from your OP together. All your concern is about what you think other people will think about you. Is that who you are?

"I admit I am demanding and can be exacting"
So - you just naturally took to the role of Bridezilla like a duck to water?

"I made sister rearrange things I just don’t like the sound of."
How about you consider that this humiliated her? It demonstrated to the other bridesmaids that you had no faith in her. Every time you made her rearrange, you just chip, chip, chipped away at her.

"I have a lot on my plate. Fiancés step dad is end of life."
No excuse. That is your problem. Sounds like you behaved in a way that made it hers.

"I have apologised. We normally never fall out"
I hope your apology was sincere, and not of the 'I'm sorry if ...' variety. Maybe also consider - is the reason you normally never fall out down to her not feeling able to point out that you are being a demanding PITA again?

That you are aware that you are "demanding" and "exacting" is the glimmer of hope. Now try and direct that self-awareness away from how you think other people think about you, and towards how your behaviour has shaped what your sister must think of you - and do something about the behaviour.

If you're so exacting then organise everything yourself.

Suspect the reason you've always got on is because she's always capitulated. Good on her for not doing this time.

It is important to take a moment to seriously consider how the situation has deteriorated to the point that your sister has reached this decision. Think about how you are treating other people helping you to plan your wedding and make sure this is not a pattern of behaviour you are repeating in other situations. You are in danger of becoming the family Bridezilla!

Is your wedding, a single day, worth wrecking family relationships and friendships that should last you a lifetime?

It seems that your sister put in a lot of effort to plan your hen party, yet you responded in your own words with, "demanding and exacting" behaviour. You should feel ashamed of how you treated your sister and you don't have the right to save face; it's important to acknowledge your actions and offer a heartfelt apology. Be careful not to treat other family members the same way in the future.

Weddings are supposed to be happy and fun affairs, not a grim route march to the finish line when everyone goes home and says, thank god that's over!

You’ve treated her badly and she’s responded accordingly.

No one cares about your wedding.

They care even less about your hen do, beyond hoping to have a nice time.

People in your life may appear to care about your wedding, but that is because they care about you and value their relationship with you. The wedding absent their connection to you is wholly tedious.

You have shown your sister that you do actually really care about the details of this tedious event, and that this takes priority to your relationships.

Come to terms with this now, and you can rescue your relationships with her and anyone else you've started to isolate.

And you may actually manage a nice wedding day as well.

You sound like an ungrateful Bridezilla & your sister has had enough. 🤷‍♀️

What kind of hen do is it?
Why can't you organise it instead, like brides used to do back in the day when they were usually just a meal and a few drinks

If it is a weekend away with lots of "activities" can't you scale it back? Your hens will thank you.

You sound like a nightmare Bridezilla. And when you say “things”, I assume this is one of those tedious hen weekends, not just a hen do on one day? Your ego is the issue here, and you have pushed your poor sister over the edge. Organise your own hen arrangements or cut it down to 1 event. Nothing more tedious than hen dos IMO anyway, I never ever attend them, didn’t even go to my own sisters’ hen dos.

The other brides will know what you are like. Time for a big apology to everyone involved in the wedding I think.

I pulled out of my best friends she was dreadful told me I had to keep my mouth buttoned about her past around her new friends and not have too much wine. Nope wasn’t having that shit.

Totally