To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

[AmpleDenimDreamer]

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

Is there no way you can stay in the country with your ds until he finishes up?

No. I wish we could but it’s just not possible, we’re going to have to leave by September at the absolute latest.

If it's DH's job, why does that require you to move?

But it’s your DH’s job, not yours.

Is your DH the father of your DS?

Never in a month of Sundays would I leave my 16 year old for my husband’s job

Sorry but I’m not sure how living in a different country to his parents at 16 will “do him good”.

Do you both have to go?
I was a Day pupil at a Boarding school and it always amazed me that kids were in Boarding because of their Dads job when they had 2 parents.
I suppose the set up you describe isn't too bad and there will be an older sibling around but I have a son the same age and if DH had to leave the country at this point he would be doing it alone

How would that be funded?

It’s a bad time to leave. Is this optional? Can’t you stay on? Kids do move away at 16, but no way i’d leave the country and leave my 16yr old here. Youngest is 17, very independent, but at 16 still needs a parent around.

To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence.

your ds is barely 16 Op, he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow

and whilst good for teens to get some independence… this is of another level

To clarify:
DS is very welcome to come with us, it’s him who’s pushing to stay behind. He will also have family in the UK (his brother and others). He’s also going to be able to visit on holidays and we’ll pay for him to fly out.

As for ‘doing him good’ I mean in terms of the independence and maturity it would produce.

Maybe boarding school is an option? Halls style living is ok at 18 but surely a 16 yr old needs some structure and supervision ?

There's no great option here unless you can stay behind. I don't blame your DS for not wanting to go abroad, and he could potentially lose his entitlement to home fees for university (this is complicated so you would need to take advice). I would not love this option but it might be the best of a set of bad choices.

Why do you have to go as well? Can't your DH go alone?

Plenty of 6th formers go to boarding schools. If that’s what DS wants then I’d trust him if he’s normally a sensible kid.

The pastoral side might be tighter at a school than a college. Would DH’s work pay school fees? There are a few State boarding schools that would be worth looking into.

Why do you have to go

I can’t believe you’re repeating that your DS is pushing this. He. Is. In. Year. 11

As for ‘doing him good’ I mean in terms of the independence and maturity it would produce.

yes op, we got that

but that you’re suggesting here is another level of independence

Is your DH his father?

Would you please rather clarify why YOU have to go? Why can’t DH go and you and DS visit him on weekends and holidays?

No way should a 16 year old be left like this.

WtF is that last sentence about, "To be clear"?

You are pushing this on your son not him, he is at a crucial point in his life and you are minimising the situation that you have brought on him.

Personally I'd be re-evaluating the aldults position/job before onsidering dismantling my child's life at that age

I have to go because it makes no financial sense to be effectively running two households, rather than rent out our current house and rent over there. Also, DH has health issues which mean I don’t love the idea of him being alone in case he has a flare up and no one is there to call an ambulance. Staying in the UK (at least for DH) isn’t a viable option.

Yes

But I’m guessing the cost of your DS accommodation and flights over will. E expensive

just get a 2 bed rental for you and your ds

I think it depends on the kid. I would have been fine (thrived, even) - I moved out of my mum's when I was still at sixth form anyway and I was a generally independent kid who liked my own company and was capable in emergencies/good at sorting myself out.

But what's your son like? Can he handle when things go wrong, or if he's feeling really ill and won't have an adult around, and will he be likely to get his college work done without parental supervision? Does he know what to do in emergencies (can't get home from a party very late at night, can't access his bank for some reason and has no access to money, stuff like that)? Is he good at the basics of keeping himself and his room/space clean and tidyish? Can he cook and be relied on to feed himself semi-sensibly? Can he be relied on to have some kind of routine?

I think a lot depends on the accommodation, too - if it's more like boarding with adult oversight and pastoral care, or if it's more like halls of residence where he's left to his own devices. I think a combo of his personality and the accommodation will decide if he ends up being up til 4am drinking cans of Monster and playing games, living in filth and not doing his college work for two years, or whether he'll mostly be fine and crack on with his A Levels.

Then your dh shouldn’t accept the job

so you’re going out there to support your DH

rather than being present for your teen son