Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 10:08

I agree
Having had one now at Uni go through all the 6th form stuff and navigating becoming an adult I was needed MORE at 16 not less.
I have a son about to go to 6th form college and while he is pretty independent in practical terms he is still a child and needs parental support and guidance.
He comes and chats to me most days after school and he is still very much a child, even if he is over 6ft with facial hair
No way would I put the needs of my adult DH before my sons
I am going to assume the DH's new job is somewhere nice

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/04/2025 10:09

Something with full boarding maybe, but not like halls of residence at university. Even then he might feel abandoned, which would be understandable given that you're moving overseas at this stage of his education. He wants to stay and finish his education, that doesn't mean he actually wants to do it this way or feels comfortable with this. You don't have to leave the country, you're chosing too. All your husband had to do was wait a couple of years, he's chosing whatever is so important about his job over his son's education and you're chosing holding the hand of an adult over being with your son at this really critical time in his life. You're both being piss poor parents.

knitnerd90 · 03/04/2025 10:10

I will say this. A halls type environment would require a great deal of independence and maturity study wise. I would be concerned not that he wouldn't be able to handle things like meals, but that he would not have any sort of structure for his studies.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 03/04/2025 10:10

I have no experience with "halls style accommodation" for under 18s. I work in a boarding school, however, and most of our Sixth Form boarders do well academically and enjoy the experience. They have a lot of direct supervision, and need to sign in/out if going to town (and they have quite specific rules about only being allowed out at certain times, and must be in groups of at least two etc)

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 10:10

Dreadful parenting. 😢

BobbyBiscuits · 03/04/2025 10:11

I lived in a student house with Uni students when I was 16/17 while trying to do college. So I did live away from home, which was fun and cool. I made lots of friends and gained a lot of confidence.
But my mum was 40 miles down the road, not in another country.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 10:13

OP, really, would you honestly leave a 16 year old here whilst you go and live aboard with your husband, would you? We're not talking overnight, a weekend.

You seriously need to take a long hard look at yourself if you do.

SpringIntoApril · 03/04/2025 10:15

Depends on the set up at college. A friends daughter went to a musical theatre college for 6th form at 16 stays in their secure college dorm style set up. They live like supported adults though all16-18 in age. She comes home every three months . She’s thrived but was a very mature young lady. Sounds like your DS personality maybe bit young for this and a boarding school set up would be better managed?

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:17

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

  1. we need the rental income from our current house
  2. DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance
  3. My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going
  4. I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

I’d love DS to come with us but he’s flat out refusing and he’s suggested a reasonable alternative. I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 03/04/2025 10:19

My dd went to a specialist performing arts college but it was only about an hour away from home. Many of her friends went to ones further away but she felt that she wasn't quite ready for that (she has asd)

For the first year she lived in a homestay with a family and another student from the same college. She then went into a halls of residence.

Several students in her college were international students.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:21

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

I WANT TO

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 10:21

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:17

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

  1. we need the rental income from our current house
  2. DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance
  3. My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going
  4. I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

I’d love DS to come with us but he’s flat out refusing and he’s suggested a reasonable alternative. I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

And yet it is.
You’ve taken leave of your senses.

Cakeandusername · 03/04/2025 10:22

Your update of laddish and cheeky would ring alarm bells.
Drinking, possibly drugs with no adult supervision.
College or sixth form is very light touch in terms of checking up on them. They could miss lots of classes and no one follow up.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:22
  1. *I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage *
oh. So looks like there may be more to this
Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:23

I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

clearly
the rest of us however….

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 10:24

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:22

  1. *I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage *
oh. So looks like there may be more to this

Yes, and it trumps any concerns about being apart from her DS through some of the most important years of his life.

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 10:24

My cousins dd went to the RAF college and did A levels. Perfectly fine

Actually people can join the armed forces at 17 so can't see an issue with a 16 year old boarding at college if he's happy to do so

BunnyLake · 03/04/2025 10:25

I could have done it easily at 16 (did first leave home at 17) but that was the 70s when 16 yr olds were seen as adult and I was fiercely independent.

Could you see how it pans out for the first term with a promise to support whatever his choice is after that?

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 10:25

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:22

  1. *I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage *
oh. So looks like there may be more to this

I was just about to post the exact same thing!!!

All the other points are absolute rubbish.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:26

Swiftie1878 · 03/04/2025 10:24

Yes, and it trumps any concerns about being apart from her DS through some of the most important years of his life.

Show quote history

Worries about impact on her marriage (which can’t be that healthy in the first place) but not so much with leaving her teen son who she describes as very sociable and “cheeky” - not exactly prime candidate for this level of independence at this age

knitnerd90 · 03/04/2025 10:26

To be blunt you're placing your and your husband!s desires over the needs of your son here.

this isn't boarding school, and you won't be anywhere nearby.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 10:26

You not getting on the plane IS an option. You are choosing your husband over your child. It’s not a choice I would make.
is the country you are going to somewhere lovely and sunny with beaches? Would not getting on the plane suddenly be an option if his job was somewhere awful?

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:26

Has your DH had an affair in the past op?

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 10:27

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 10:24

My cousins dd went to the RAF college and did A levels. Perfectly fine

Actually people can join the armed forces at 17 so can't see an issue with a 16 year old boarding at college if he's happy to do so

That is very very different
being in The Forces is very structured and you are virtually parented.
You only have to look at how well a lot of ex forces who joined young cope (or don't) when they leave

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:27

Cakeandusername · 03/04/2025 10:22

Your update of laddish and cheeky would ring alarm bells.
Drinking, possibly drugs with no adult supervision.
College or sixth form is very light touch in terms of checking up on them. They could miss lots of classes and no one follow up.

If it’s an absolute disaster and/or he would failed his first year then he wouldn’t have any option but to come out and join us. Additionally, he’s always welcome to change his mind and come and join us. The college wouldn’t be set in stone if it didn’t work out but I think there’s lots of potential benefits to it so it’s worth a try.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread