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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:19

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:16

^^

Show quote history

Oh OP. I actually feel a bit sad for you.

You're trying so hard to jump onto any positivity about this situation and convince everyone (and yourself) that you son desperately wants to stay in the UK without either of his parents around for 2 years. Of course he will say he does. He's 16. Ultimately he has no option as you are moving away either with or without him.

No man - husband or not - is worth moving away from your child for just so you can keep an eye on him.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:20

@AmpleDenimDreamer why are you only answering certain questions?

Do you or do you not trust your husband?

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 11:21

Why are you ignoring questions about whether you trust your husband OP? Or is it him that doesn't trust you?

Also- how many times have you actually had to call an ambulance? What happens if he becomes unwell while you're both at work?

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 11:22

If the OP doesn't want to pay for two households, not even a flat for them here she won't pay the fees for boarding school- that makes no sense.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:22

Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move.

Your DHs job only requires HIM to move. Not you.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:23

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:19

I’d be happy to consider a boarding school but I honestly think I college would more suit DS’s personality.

Show quote history

Yet you won't consider staying in the UK with your son as you desperately need the money from renting your house out?! Ok then😂

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:24

All those saying don't choose your husband over your son, you do know that there's potential even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week, once a month or once a year? Whereas her relationship with her husband could last 20 or more years longer. I absolutely trust my husband but I still wouldn't plan to live apart from him for two years. I wouldn't choose to live apart from my 16 year old either but I don't think it's an outrageous idea in the circumstances.

PinataHeeHaw · 03/04/2025 11:24

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:17

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

  1. we need the rental income from our current house
  2. DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance
  3. My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going
  4. I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

I’d love DS to come with us but he’s flat out refusing and he’s suggested a reasonable alternative. I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

It's all about you and your DH there.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:27

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:24

All those saying don't choose your husband over your son, you do know that there's potential even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week, once a month or once a year? Whereas her relationship with her husband could last 20 or more years longer. I absolutely trust my husband but I still wouldn't plan to live apart from him for two years. I wouldn't choose to live apart from my 16 year old either but I don't think it's an outrageous idea in the circumstances.

I love my DH and we will be together a long time after the DC have gone (fingers crossed) but I would still never move abroad with him and leave 16 year old DS behind
In fact he would know better than to ask me

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:28

Runnersandtoms · 03/04/2025 11:24

All those saying don't choose your husband over your son, you do know that there's potential even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week, once a month or once a year? Whereas her relationship with her husband could last 20 or more years longer. I absolutely trust my husband but I still wouldn't plan to live apart from him for two years. I wouldn't choose to live apart from my 16 year old either but I don't think it's an outrageous idea in the circumstances.

even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week,

Yes. Crucially "IN A FEW SHORT YEARS". Not when he is 16 and has just finished his GCSEs and about to leave his school and go into a completely different environment and surroundings.

Having said that, it's glaringly obvious that neither of his parents give a shit so he may as well be on his own anyway.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:28

PinataHeeHaw · 03/04/2025 11:24

It's all about you and your DH there.

Show quote history

It's all about her DH full stop.

BodyKeepingScore · 03/04/2025 11:29

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:17

Me not getting on the plane isn’t an option because

  1. we need the rental income from our current house
  2. DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance
  3. My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going
  4. I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

I’d love DS to come with us but he’s flat out refusing and he’s suggested a reasonable alternative. I’d hardly call that ‘abandonment’.

You’re worried about the impact on your marriage but not the impact on your relationship with your son?
Thays baffling to me.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:30

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:28

even with the best of parent/child relationships that within a few short years, the mother will only see her adult son once a week,

Yes. Crucially "IN A FEW SHORT YEARS". Not when he is 16 and has just finished his GCSEs and about to leave his school and go into a completely different environment and surroundings.

Having said that, it's glaringly obvious that neither of his parents give a shit so he may as well be on his own anyway.

Show quote history

DD left for Uni at the end of last year and while she still comes home sometimes I miss her loads.
Its made me more determined to enjoy DS living with us while I can and the idea of him not living with us at 16 is unthinkable to me.

SpanThatWorld · 03/04/2025 11:30

Oh my goodness, the wolves are out for you OP.

I have a friend who has teen kids of her own and offers home-based boarding to 16-18 year olds attending her local specialist college.
The ones she's had living with her have had a great time at college whilst living away from parents.

It doesn't suit everyone but it works for some families.

One of my kids would absolutely have thrived away from home at 16. The others would have been ok too.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:31

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

And there we have it
By "struggled with infidelity" I assume you mean he has shagged at least 1 other person during your marriage?

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:31

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

It's completely relevant and you know it is. You're more worried about your cheating husband having an affair than the needs of your teenage son.

sumor · 03/04/2025 11:32

Well - personally I wouldn't be asking on here.

I'd be looking at what this specific college offers - visiting and asking quiestions - and thinking hard about how mature my 16 year old is - as it's so unquie to the college and child.

Then if I had specific questions that I wanted more general input on I'd ask on Further Eduation or Boareding schools boards not AIBU.

In similar situiation I think one of us would be staying with the kids till 18 or they'd go up to DGP for two years - but leaving them at 16 would be low down on our list of options.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:33

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

There we have it.

OP I hate to break it to you, but if you don't trust him, you never will.
You cannot be with him 24 hours a day, if he is going to be unfaithful, he will, whether you are there or not.
As for the ambulance, pull the other one, it has bells on it

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:33

I think a marriage takes work to keep things going.

You know what else takes work? Teenage kids.

I worry the impact of an extended period of separation.

Because you know he will probably meet someone else out there.

This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

I wouldn't worry about that, his mistress would ring an ambulance. And you know fine well that isn't your main concern.

Christwosheds · 03/04/2025 11:35

I know a few people who boarded for sixth form, and three boys who went to Atlantic College for sixth form, in different countries. All were ok. I think it’s fine but only as long as your son is relatively mature for his age, has contact with his brother regularly and spends his hols with you.
I think boarding when younger can be really damaging but at 16 some people are fine. Lots of people start university at 17 in Scotland due to their different system and it seems to be fine for instance. You know how mature your son is and how much he is likely to need support, do you think he will cope in halls alone ?

whatswrongwivme · 03/04/2025 11:36

This thread has been quite an eye-opener for me!

Especially the unanimity of responses saying he cannot or should not be left with only his 25 year old brother to look out for him as and when.

50 years ago I left home at 16 rented a bedsit and began commuting to my job in the City of London. My older sister married at 16 and did not work; she was home alone all day, responsible for the household budget, meals, etc whilst her 18 year old husband worked. My mum started work at 14.

Are children becoming less mature, dependent for longer?

MrsSunshine2b · 03/04/2025 11:36

Ineedanewsofa · 03/04/2025 11:19

@Lanzarotelady it’s technically a different country but it is the same landmass I suppose. @Hoppinggreen agree the ‘vocational’ nature of my examples is important to whether it’s successful or not and I did call that out in my original post. Struggling to see the difference between wealthy parents who live in the Middle East sending their kids to board for 6th form at Harrow/Eton etc vs 2 working parents trying to allow their child to continue their education in this country at a more ‘normal’ setting while they have to move for financial reasons.
Seems like it’s only ok for the rich to do it…

Because boarding school is not the same thing.

BodyKeepingScore · 03/04/2025 11:37

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

Your clarification makes it even more obvious that you refuse to consider staying with your child because you don’t trust your husband.
He didn’t “struggle with infidelity” - he made a conscious decision to cheat on you and you’re worried that if he moves without you he’ll do it again. The thing stopping him from cheating shouldn’t be your constant presence.

TheeNotoriousPIG · 03/04/2025 11:38

I went to a rural college where staying in halls from 16 was fairly normal, due to the distance that most of the students would've had to travel and the time it would've taken. There, most of the students stayed at college at the weekends, but just went home for holidays. I have experience of working in a similar environment (but students went home at weekends).

At 16, they tend to have their own rooms (and sometimes en suites), but communal living areas. They have tiny kitchens for meals that they can warm up, but actual cooked meals are catered for by the college. There are wardens that they can go to if there are problems, or just for a chat. It's only once they are 18+ (and in different halls from the younger ones, due to safeguarding reasons) that they can choose between cooking their own food or eating in the college dining hall. There are some activities put on (e.g. trips to an ice rink, or just to the supermarket), but when they're 17, most start learning to drive and take their friends into town for takeaways and shopping trips.

Some years are full of fairly peaceful students. A couple of years ago, there was a rowdy lot that caused some damage in the accommodation. Their maturity levels tend to depend on their friends, but most seem to enjoy the "living independently, but with support".