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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 09:48

Your DH is an adult, that is capable of holding down a job, here and abroad, yet cannot phone an ambulance if his health deteriorates...............right ............

Radra · 03/04/2025 09:48

My BIL was actually left in similar circumstances like this - with my DH, his older brother as support.

It was superficially fine - he coped ok, nothing dire happened. But what I would say is that he still - and he is now 40 - talks about having felt abandoned and I don't think his relationship with his parents has ever fully recovered from it. DH was older so doesn't feel it as strongly but there's still an element of feeling this way.

I really would think more about you staying behind until your DS starts university and go long distance with your DH until then.

It is worrying to me that you seem to consider it more reasonable for your DS to be alone than your DH

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 09:49

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 09:48

Your DH is an adult, that is capable of holding down a job, here and abroad, yet cannot phone an ambulance if his health deteriorates...............right ............

And if he can’t he shouldn’t be going

titchy · 03/04/2025 09:49

So you’re prioritising rental income over the welfare of your child. Nice.

Obvnotthegolden · 03/04/2025 09:53

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:45

I have to go because it makes no financial sense to be effectively running two households, rather than rent out our current house and rent over there. Also, DH has health issues which mean I don’t love the idea of him being alone in case he has a flare up and no one is there to call an ambulance. Staying in the UK (at least for DH) isn’t a viable option.

But you will be running two households as you'll be paying for ds accommodation and regular flights to visit.

Can't you get a small two bedroom place for you and ds, and your DH fly over to visit you both?

Of course your ds thinks it's a great idea, doesn't mean it is.
Kids think it's a great idea to eat ice cream and sweets all day but we don't let them.

He still needs parenting which is going to be almost impossible if you're not there.

Kucinghitam · 03/04/2025 09:54

I moved country to do my A-levels (my parents stayed in my home country), this also involved a change in language of instruction. I had no family or friends in the new country, so the school and halls of residence were responsible for all pastoral care. The first few days were difficult and I can still remember how homesick and lonely I felt. But then I made friends and settled into school and it was completely brilliant.

And yes, it did wonders for my independence and maturity. With a bit of guidance from the school team and the senior students, I learned how to deal with visa renewals, get student travel passes for my commute to school, buy/plan/cook meals, live in a shared flat, budget for shopping/fun/going out, party at weekends in a sensible manner, book and travel home independently for the school holidays, got myself a temp job to save for uni...

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:54

housemaus · 03/04/2025 09:47

I think it depends on the kid. I would have been fine (thrived, even) - I moved out of my mum's when I was still at sixth form anyway and I was a generally independent kid who liked my own company and was capable in emergencies/good at sorting myself out.

But what's your son like? Can he handle when things go wrong, or if he's feeling really ill and won't have an adult around, and will he be likely to get his college work done without parental supervision? Does he know what to do in emergencies (can't get home from a party very late at night, can't access his bank for some reason and has no access to money, stuff like that)? Is he good at the basics of keeping himself and his room/space clean and tidyish? Can he cook and be relied on to feed himself semi-sensibly? Can he be relied on to have some kind of routine?

I think a lot depends on the accommodation, too - if it's more like boarding with adult oversight and pastoral care, or if it's more like halls of residence where he's left to his own devices. I think a combo of his personality and the accommodation will decide if he ends up being up til 4am drinking cans of Monster and playing games, living in filth and not doing his college work for two years, or whether he'll mostly be fine and crack on with his A Levels.

He’s fairly mature for his age and we have left him overnight before with no problems. I do think he could cope ok in the situations you describe and also his brother has said he would be on hand for any emergency. We’d pay accommodation/food/social/transport costs out of pocket so he wouldn’t have any financial worries.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 09:55

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:39

To clarify:
DS is very welcome to come with us, it’s him who’s pushing to stay behind. He will also have family in the UK (his brother and others). He’s also going to be able to visit on holidays and we’ll pay for him to fly out.

As for ‘doing him good’ I mean in terms of the independence and maturity it would produce.

So you are doing this for his own benefit?
Ok

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 09:55

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:54

He’s fairly mature for his age and we have left him overnight before with no problems. I do think he could cope ok in the situations you describe and also his brother has said he would be on hand for any emergency. We’d pay accommodation/food/social/transport costs out of pocket so he wouldn’t have any financial worries.

Show quote history

You have left him overnight and are now considering just leaving him for nights on end....................Good God OP!

TheSandgroper · 03/04/2025 09:56

@AmpleDenimDreamer you have posted in aibu. You will get little in the way of targeted replies.

Ask Mumsnet to withdraw this thread and start a new thread in the Boarding School section.

GatherlyGal · 03/04/2025 09:56

The reality is OP that he might be fine he might enjoy the independence etc BUT there are so many things that could go wrong that he just wouldn’t have the maturity to deal with.

Add to that the impact on your relationship longer term and weigh that up.

Saying it’s his idea and he’s all for it etc is a bit disingenuous- he wants it as an alternative to upending his life and moving away from everything and everyone he knows.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 09:56

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:54

He’s fairly mature for his age and we have left him overnight before with no problems. I do think he could cope ok in the situations you describe and also his brother has said he would be on hand for any emergency. We’d pay accommodation/food/social/transport costs out of pocket so he wouldn’t have any financial worries.

Show quote history

You'll pay for accommodation, food etc, well that's mighty good of you!

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 09:58

TheSandgroper · 03/04/2025 09:56

@AmpleDenimDreamer you have posted in aibu. You will get little in the way of targeted replies.

Ask Mumsnet to withdraw this thread and start a new thread in the Boarding School section.

Where people are much more blase about living in the same country as their children than most parents are

cloudglazer · 03/04/2025 10:00

Don’t do this. My in-laws did this to my DH and the abandonment still impacts him 40 years later. Stay at home with him, your DH can manage without you, your son can’t.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:02

TheSandgroper · 03/04/2025 09:56

@AmpleDenimDreamer you have posted in aibu. You will get little in the way of targeted replies.

Ask Mumsnet to withdraw this thread and start a new thread in the Boarding School section.

Why would the op do that when this isn’t boarding school

most odd

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:03

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:54

He’s fairly mature for his age and we have left him overnight before with no problems. I do think he could cope ok in the situations you describe and also his brother has said he would be on hand for any emergency. We’d pay accommodation/food/social/transport costs out of pocket so he wouldn’t have any financial worries.

Show quote history

You really have spent considerable time convincing yourself that you moving for your DH’s job is a GOOD thing and indeed fabulous for your DS

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:04

Not sure how happy I’d feel giving my son such responsibility for his teen brother. Seems very unfair to put that on him

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 10:04

What would your ds be doing if you stayed where you are? Would he be going to do his alevels at a school with his friends? Or was he planning college anyway in the hope of making new friends?

you seem to have presented in to him and here as if there are only two options available - move to a new country or college on his own. There is a third option of staying where you are and renting a smaller/cheaper place for the two of you.

I know every child is different but there is no way I would do this to my 16 yr old as it would not be her preferred at all. She has friends, she’s academic so wants to stay at school not college. She would say I abandoned her at 16 and probably never speak to me again.

missymousey · 03/04/2025 10:04

I think it could be good if he's keen on it. I went to halls in a big city several hours from home, when I had just turned 17. It was great. They provided meals though which helped me have some structure.

Have you visited the halls to see what it's like, what the other students are like, and what support there is? What support is there from the college?

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 10:04

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:02

Why would the op do that when this isn’t boarding school

most odd

Show quote history

To get replies she likes?

Cakeandusername · 03/04/2025 10:05

As someone with a dc just at uni I found the sixth form years very intensive parenting wise.
She was mature but needed me. Supporting her applying for uni, attending all the open days took a chunk of time.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:05

I would be happy to consider a boarding school but I honestly think DS would get on better in a college environment where he’s a ‘student’ rather than a ‘pupil’. He’s quite ‘ladish’ and very social/cheeky chappy and most boarding schools seem more preppy and academically focused. I could just see him thriving more in a college environment. That being said I’d definitely consider it.

OP posts:
Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:07

He’s quite ‘ladish’ and very social/cheeky chappy

and you think this is the type of 16 year old to live independently with his parents thousands of miles away

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 10:07

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 10:05

I would be happy to consider a boarding school but I honestly think DS would get on better in a college environment where he’s a ‘student’ rather than a ‘pupil’. He’s quite ‘ladish’ and very social/cheeky chappy and most boarding schools seem more preppy and academically focused. I could just see him thriving more in a college environment. That being said I’d definitely consider it.

If you have the funds for boarding school

you have the funds to rent a two bed for you and your ds

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 10:07

I think you need to really really think about whether he genuinely would or if you’re convincing the both of you that he would.