To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

[AmpleDenimDreamer]

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

Of course he likes the idea of total freedom at 16, I would have jumped at it too.

That doesn't mean it's good for him. An older brother isn't going to be able to keep him in check if he's going out drinking etc which as a social cheeky chappy seems likely

The majority of them pretty well. We have a lot of forces people in our family

Fucking hell. No he wouldn’t have any choice. Given he’s a child. You do though.

You are rationalising this as its something YOU want to do.
Me and DH will be leaving this country BUT we will be waiting around 5 years so DS is through 6th form and settled at Uni or wherever.
Your child has to come first here and it looks like you have options that allow you to put him first but you don't want to

Thats good but I have seen quite a few men struggle at 40+ having known nothing but Forces life since 16.
The point is The Forces are a very diiferent thing to what OP is suggesting here.

I absolutely knew that at some point there would be a slip up in terms of the reasons for being out there.

No decent parent would leave their 16 year old son on his own for 2 years just because they've been offered better paid jobs abroad. As for:

DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance

Absolute bullshit!!! He is capable of working in a very important job, flying round the world and earning a very high salary. Yet can't be on his own in case he has health issues and is incapable of ringing an ambulance?

OP - you said you're going to work out there too. What would happen if your DH has a "health emergency" whilst he's at work? Or whilst you are?

Never heard so much crap in my life. You don't trust him. And are putting that over your sons needs whilst pretending it's what your son "wants". And your son probably can't say any different as he knows you're going out there regardless of what he needs.

OP - are you actually on the same planet as the rest of us???

Why are you prioritising your husband/marriage/job over your son? Why??

You can try and pull the he is sick line all you want, it doesn't ring true, you know it, we know it.

Lots of kids go to specialist performing arts colleges at 16 and live in halls of residence or host families. My DD had friends in her course age 16 who chose to go to to the college a long way from family and stay in student accommodation similar to uni accommodation. It worked for them.

I can't believe I'm reading this. No, you should not abandon your child. No, you also should not uproot him right before he starts college. DH either changes his job or you find an appropriate way to finance you staying in the UK to support your son. If your DH can't live independently he can't go either.

absolutely knew that at some point there would be a slip up in terms of the reasons for being out there.

I am thinking the dh has had an affair in the past or the op doesn’t trust him not to

You can't leave a 16 year old to fend totally for himself to swan off, presumably to Dubai or somewhere, for the money.

He might manage, but it absolutely will fuck your relationship with him at the very least.

So your son's only options are to either stay in the UK on his own. Or to uproot his whole life (friends, social life, hobbies, education) to join you and your DH.

Yet NEITHER of his parents will even consider staying in the UK for him.

Wow.

You are still legally responsible for him until he's 18 so you can't leave him without some proper adult supervision.

Is this 'halls of residence' a type of boarding school? If so, then they will be in loco parentis and that's fine.

If not you will have to stay or he will have to come with you.

He's clearly had an affair. He's now said he's got a job overseas and OP won't let him go alone in case he cheats again.

And that trumps their 16 year old child's needs.

Not only that but following your husband around the world won't stop him cheating.

@AmpleDenimDreamer You can put whatever spin on this you want!
You don't trust your husband and you are quite literally sacrificing your own son to be with him - but get this - if your husband wants to stray he will - he will find a way.

Laddish - dear God. He’ll have dropped out by the first Christmas, had numerous parties, trashed his room and spent most nights off his tits on drugs and alcohol. I mean if that’s what you want for him then fill you boots.

-we need the rental income from our current house

You'll still be paying for your son to live here. You could rent a two bed flat instead.

• DH has health problems which mean I don’t love the thought of him living alone in the event of needing to call an ambulance

How many times have you needed to call an ambulance for your husband? What happens if you're not there at that moment?

• My own job would be a lot better in terms of conditions and pay where we’re going

Could you do that in 2 years when your son is 18?

• I’d be worried about the impact of being apart on my marriage

What about the impact on your son? Is your husband more important than your son?

What does your husband think?

One parent stays behind for 2 years.

He moves in with another adult family member - brother/ DGP fo them to supervise him and act in place of parental role.

He goes to boarding school - which is step up with the needed support and parents not being around.

I think he sounds desperate to stay here and that you really aren't considering him.

Could it work - possibly depends on the set up and level of supervision but at 16 they still need you and frankly it sounds like you want him to fail so he'll fall in with your plans.

DH is sad that DS doesn’t want to join us but accepts his reasons and thinks the college is a reasonable option.

The HUGE difference here is choice. They have chosen to do that, probably years before, and have worked towards that. The op is giving her son no choice.

But what about half term? School holidays?

If money is so tight surely there won't be enough for several flights a year? Is big brother putting him up for every holiday?

Not really answering the most pertinent of questions though are you?

If that happens then he’ll be on a one way flight out here- as he knows. We’ve discussed it with him that we’re trusting him to keep up his end of the deal of being responsible and keeping up with the academic side of things. Him staying in the UK isn’t set in stone and if things don’t work out (or he changes his mind) there’s no reason he can’t join us later.