Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 12:34

@AmpleDenimDreamer who is going to supervise your husband when he is at work? Going to the supermarket? Walk? Golf? Gym? Dr for a check up for this condition that means he has to be supervised at all times? Yet he can hold a job down and find time for an affair!

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 12:37

“Surviving”
”emerging unscathed”

aren’t benchmarks for how I’d like my children to emerge from teen years

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 12:43

OP, where are all your sons belongings going to be? You know, his bed, desk, bedroom furniture, personal stuff, clothes etc...? Because pretty much any kid who goes to boarding school, rural college, uni etc still has a home to go back to during holidays where all their stuff is and where they can see their friends and hang out?

It's kind of essential to help ease the transition from being a child to becoming an adult.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 12:52

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:49

Presumably your parents were still at home, you were still in the UK and your mother wasn't leaving you in one country and going to another to keep an firm hand on her husbands penis as he can't be trusted to leave it where it belongs

Show quote history

I said “the equivalent of college” so I wasn’t in the UK. I will agree though that my country doesn’t have the drinking and drug culture they have here so that was a bonus. We did go out and got drunk but nothing extraordinary. Uni was far more “dangerous” in that sense.

Like I said, rural area - my mother was about 2 hours away yes, but a few had their parents abroad as they worked seasonal picking jobs to be able to provide.

I haven’t read through the motives of OP because that wasn’t the point of my comment: the point was to say that it happens and plenty/most young people are fine with it. I loved it, to be honest. My grades improved, even. It depends a lot on the maturity of OP’s child and how badly they want to stay.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 12:54

I will add though, I’m sorry @AmpleDenimDreamer but if you think the only way for your husband to not be unfaithful is to monitor him 24/7, it’s a losing battle.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 12:57

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 12:54

I will add though, I’m sorry @AmpleDenimDreamer but if you think the only way for your husband to not be unfaithful is to monitor him 24/7, it’s a losing battle.

I agree, I actually feel sorry for her and her son.

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 13:00

User5274959 · 03/04/2025 11:59

Can he do English system A levels where you're going? If not then it would be a terrible idea for him to move and really affect his uni options.

Perhaps a more traditional boarding school set up with a sixth form would be better and offer a bit more support and supervision?

Did the OP say he was doing A levels? Could be a vocational course

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 13:00

Your self respect and self esteem is on the floor op, and I am very sad for you.

you have posted here desperate for people to give you anecdotes where their 16 yr old doing similar is fine, so that you can continue to bury your head in the sand.

you know these anecdotes regarding 16 ye olds following their passion have absolutely nothing to do with your own situation, but you can handle the mental jump to pretend they do.

this is awful op. Absolutely awful.

you don’t want to accept your husband is a selfish cheating man who has zero respect for you. ‘Struggling with infidelity’ ?!? Come on now.

what you should do -

  1. get some self respect
  2. divorce this cheating arsehole
  3. get a smaller house with your son
NerrSnerr · 03/04/2025 13:04

There are a couple of people saying '16 year olds choose to live in college all the time and they're all fine' but surely this situation is different? He is only considering it because his parents are moving abroad slap bang in the middle of his teenage years and education. He's not following a vocation he's doing it as he has very little choice.

My friend's daughter is 16 and in ballet school in Brussels. This is in no way comparable to the OP's situation. The daughter has chosen her path and her parents fly out regularly to see her. She also has a home, with her own bedroom with her mum and dad.

Genevieva · 03/04/2025 13:08

Loads of kids do this.

  1. There are 11-18 state boarding schools all over the U.K.
  2. Falkland Islanders all go to Peter Symonds sixth form college in Winchester as boarders.
  3. Island communities like the Isles of Scilly send their children away for college.
  4. Some sixth form colleges take international students, who lodge nearby. They come on student visas.
Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 13:10

Genevieva · 03/04/2025 13:08

Loads of kids do this.

  1. There are 11-18 state boarding schools all over the U.K.
  2. Falkland Islanders all go to Peter Symonds sixth form college in Winchester as boarders.
  3. Island communities like the Isles of Scilly send their children away for college.
  4. Some sixth form colleges take international students, who lodge nearby. They come on student visas.

Yes we know it happens, but the child will still have a family base, this one won't and mum will be in another country with her husband because she doesn't trust him.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2025 13:11

Genevieva · 03/04/2025 13:08

Loads of kids do this.

  1. There are 11-18 state boarding schools all over the U.K.
  2. Falkland Islanders all go to Peter Symonds sixth form college in Winchester as boarders.
  3. Island communities like the Isles of Scilly send their children away for college.
  4. Some sixth form colleges take international students, who lodge nearby. They come on student visas.

Rtft.

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 13:12

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 13:10

Yes we know it happens, but the child will still have a family base, this one won't and mum will be in another country with her husband because she doesn't trust him.

Show quote history

So the kids at the college coming from Falkland Islands have the opportunity to go to a " home " base every half term? Do u realise how far away it is?

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 13:14

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 13:12

So the kids at the college coming from Falkland Islands have the opportunity to go to a " home " base every half term? Do u realise how far away it is?

Show quote history

Yes I am aware of how far it is and yes I am sure they have the opportunity to go home or are they all turfed out at 16 never to return?

MellowPinkDeer · 03/04/2025 13:16

I’ve only read OP replies not all of them but he could in theory join the army so I’m not entirely sure why people are so ‘how could you abandon your son’

however, if a reason you have to go is because you don’t trust your husband then that’s a pretty crappy reason to go and you should maybe have a think about that.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 13:18

MellowPinkDeer · 03/04/2025 13:16

I’ve only read OP replies not all of them but he could in theory join the army so I’m not entirely sure why people are so ‘how could you abandon your son’

however, if a reason you have to go is because you don’t trust your husband then that’s a pretty crappy reason to go and you should maybe have a think about that.

Yes he could join the army.
He would still have a home in the UK to return to.
In the army he would still have a number of adults who would be responsible for him.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 13:18

MellowPinkDeer · 03/04/2025 13:16

I’ve only read OP replies not all of them but he could in theory join the army so I’m not entirely sure why people are so ‘how could you abandon your son’

however, if a reason you have to go is because you don’t trust your husband then that’s a pretty crappy reason to go and you should maybe have a think about that.

Maybe read all of them?

hjokhjjjkkkd · 03/04/2025 13:19

MellowPinkDeer · 03/04/2025 13:16

I’ve only read OP replies not all of them but he could in theory join the army so I’m not entirely sure why people are so ‘how could you abandon your son’

however, if a reason you have to go is because you don’t trust your husband then that’s a pretty crappy reason to go and you should maybe have a think about that.

Because he hasn’t joined the army…he’s just living his life wanting to finish his education in his home country like most 16 year olds and his parents have (supposedly) decided to leave the country.

RobinStrike · 03/04/2025 13:35

OP, what happens if your son is ill or has an accident ? If he needs a bit of emotional support and, you know, parental love and interest? 16 is no age to feel cut adrift. I’m sure he’s enthusiastic now at the idea, but when reality licks in and he’s out of money and food and just wants a home cooked meal and a family home to chill what does he do? I couldn’t imagine not being within a few hours drive of my teenagers, or a quick train journey home for them. I’m sure you can find a host family to look after him but I’m sure he will feel surplus to requirements and a long way second to your priority of better jobs. It’s a sad situation.

Frenzi · 03/04/2025 13:37

My daughter boarded at college for 2 years when she was 16 (and only just 16 as she is an end of August baby). It was an agricultural college in the middle of nowhere and we had no way of getting her there. The main reason for her boarding was because she was doing equestrian studies and there was now way I could get her there for the very early starts on a daily basis and hold down my own job and look after my younger daughter.

She absolutely loved it. She had her own room in a block of about 20 rooms - all girls. They had their own common room and kitchen. The boys had their own space opposite to them. All meals were catered for but having their shared kitchen meant that they could get themselves basic meals and snacks (it didnt have amazing cooking facilities).

They had staff that lived on site who looked after them and kept them busy in the evenings. There was something going on most evenings - cinema trips, bowling, mini bus to the shops via Mcdonalds.

There was no accommodation available at a weekend or holidays - I used to pick her up on a Friday afternoon and take her back on a Monday. It was also close enough (about 45 mins away) so that if we had anything going off at home she could come to it so never missed out.

But whilst she loved it I dont think I could have sent her if I couldnt get to her within an hour if she needed me.

mismomary · 03/04/2025 13:39

I would not let him stay in college halls at 16. I'd look for a boarding school for him. Look for a school with high percentage of full boarders as there will be a great social life at weekends and lots of sports.

JaninaDuszejko · 03/04/2025 13:43

xanthomelana · 03/04/2025 12:23

I was thinking the same. I left home at 16 and I’ve made it to my forties unscathed.

Show quote history

There's a difference between choosing to leave home at 16 and having home leave you.

If you insist on doing this @AmpleDenimDreamer then find an appropriate boarding school for your son so at least he is looked after.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 13:44

Frenzi · 03/04/2025 13:37

My daughter boarded at college for 2 years when she was 16 (and only just 16 as she is an end of August baby). It was an agricultural college in the middle of nowhere and we had no way of getting her there. The main reason for her boarding was because she was doing equestrian studies and there was now way I could get her there for the very early starts on a daily basis and hold down my own job and look after my younger daughter.

She absolutely loved it. She had her own room in a block of about 20 rooms - all girls. They had their own common room and kitchen. The boys had their own space opposite to them. All meals were catered for but having their shared kitchen meant that they could get themselves basic meals and snacks (it didnt have amazing cooking facilities).

They had staff that lived on site who looked after them and kept them busy in the evenings. There was something going on most evenings - cinema trips, bowling, mini bus to the shops via Mcdonalds.

There was no accommodation available at a weekend or holidays - I used to pick her up on a Friday afternoon and take her back on a Monday. It was also close enough (about 45 mins away) so that if we had anything going off at home she could come to it so never missed out.

But whilst she loved it I dont think I could have sent her if I couldnt get to her within an hour if she needed me.

The difference being she had a home she could return to
Mum wasn't going living abroad to look after dad who cannot keep his penis in his pants!

TheBaronesshasWrittenaLetter · 03/04/2025 13:48

What does the lads father feel about all this?

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 13:49

TheBaronesshasWrittenaLetter · 03/04/2025 13:48

What does the lads father feel about all this?

OP has already answered that a few pages back. Apparently he's "a bit sad" that he doesn't want to join them overseas 🙄

Swipe left for the next trending thread