To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

[AmpleDenimDreamer]

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

Which is an answer in itself

OP doesn’t trust dh

Assuming something life changing hasn’t happened to him due to his behaviour - are you actually aware of the stupid things teens with no parents around do and the consequences of those things?

But again - if you’re happy to risk that just so you can hold your dh’s hand if he’s in an ambulance go for it.

@AmpleDenimDreamer Do you trust your husband to go abroad on his own?

And how would you know??? You will be thousands of miles away!!! It's hard enough to keep track of teenagers when they live under your roof!

@AmpleDenimDreamer
Come on, answer the question?
Do you or do you not trust your husband?

Him staying in the UK isn’t set in stone and if things don’t work out (or he changes his mind) there’s no reason he can’t join us later.

But you joining your husband IS set in stone? So the only one having to make a huge sacrifice is your 16 year old son?

Well if he was in serious trouble or was having to repeat the year or something then he’d have no option but to tell us. Additionally he will stay some weekends with his brother (they’re close) and his brother will visit a little (especially at the start) so it’s not as if he has no point of contact within the UK. As he’s a minor the college also will have some duty of care and onsight security.

@AmpleDenimDreamer are you really that bloody stupid? are you?

Oh OP youre getting a terribly hard time from people who don’t actually have any experience of this.

We did pretty much what you’re planning - family (me, DS and two younger kids) moved to a different country and DS stayed and did his college course, at a college that had under 18s accommodation.

The accommodation was great, they have extra safeguards in place for the under 18s so he was well looked after. Never had any problems with drink or drugs - he used to get into trouble for not cleaning his room though! And no he didn’t have any issues with studying because he was determined that he wanted to be there. He’s not the most academically inclined person, so just did a L2 course over one year, but we would have been happy for him to stay longer if that had been right for him.

All in all he did have a positive experience and doesn’t feel like we abandoned him!

@AmpleDenimDreamer Ok so I think we've established what everyone has been saying these last 2 pages is true.

OP I will be the first to say it. It is disgraceful "parenting" to leave your 16 year old son in the UK whilst you trail round the world after your husband to stop him cheating on you.

Absolutely fucking awful.

There was an awful case recently of a 16 year old who wasn't going to school much, starting hanging out during the day with drug dealers, got into taking and selling drugs and ended up having a breakdown, in massive debt and seriously mentally ill.

This is in a fairly nice area and the kid lived at home with both parents who worked big jobs and weren't around much.

I know it's extreme OP and maybe your 16 year old is ok and ready for it but is it really worth the risk? You say he can come and join you if something happens but its probably too late by then.

All in all he did have a positive experience and doesn’t feel like we abandoned him!
Because he would definitely tell you if he did feel like that wouldn't he?

OP, by the time you found out anything had gone wrong it would have REALLY gone wrong but you seem prepared to take that risk
Your Husband is an adult, put your child first

The absence of an answer

IS the answer

NO the OP doesn’t trust him

I didn't think that colleges still did under 18s accommodation. I know a load of people who left home at 16 and went into college accommodation though. Generally they were fine, treated like adults. Which isn't really how we see under 18s now.
Is state boarding an option? Would a friend or family take him in?

I love how you're happy to think of him as an adult who can live independently of his parents with occasional drop ins from his brother on one hand, but on the other, think you have the power (after having abandoned him for 3 months to cope by himself) to compel him to get on a plane and move to a different country with you if he doesn't prove to be very good at living without parental input. The mental gymnastics is wonderful.

Friend’s DS is doing this after GCSEs - he’s going to agricultural college miles away!
It’s a good few years ago but I had two peers from school go to 6th form at drama college in London, both of them moved 2hrs away from home and boarded, neither seems any worse for the experience. Totally depends on the person and the college IMO, all of my examples are kids with a huge drive and determination to thrive in fairly niche industries. Might not be the same for ‘normal’ a-levels…

The big difference here is the parents are still in the same bloody country and presumably could get there within a few hours.........

OP, I'd really consider a boarding school rather than somewhere with a 'halls of residence' arrangement. My DD2 boards because of music and is planning to for Sixth Form (y11 currently). They are still children at Y12 and require high levels of pastoral care - a boarding school will be set up for this, whether state or private.

Have a look at St George's Harpenden, Cranbrook etc if you don't want to pay (admittedly eyewatering) independent fees. All would have matrons, houseparents etc which is very much necessary at this stage. And if your DH's work will pay, an independent school might have better ratios.

AND these children have chosen to go to study for something specific rather than just because their parents are leaving the country.

I think people are really overreacting here. Sixth form boarding is really common and completely different from 'leaving a 16 year old alone' or university halls. There will be pastoral care, rules and responsible adults in charge.

Look at it another way, would it be cruel to force a 16 year old to move abroad, leaving his friends and the educational system he's familiar with?

Also those saying the mother should stay... I wouldn't live apart from my husband for two years! That's pretty extreme.

Residential sixth form wouldn't suit every 16 year old but it could be great for some, and if OPs son is actively requesting it, then considering it isn't ridiculous imho.

^^

I didn't think you were considering boarding school OP? I agree that's a much better option and vastly different to living in halls at college.

He is only actively requesting it because he doesnt want to move abroad

@Lanzarotelady it’s technically a different country but it is the same landmass I suppose. @Hoppinggreen agree the ‘vocational’ nature of my examples is important to whether it’s successful or not and I did call that out in my original post. Struggling to see the difference between wealthy parents who live in the Middle East sending their kids to board for 6th form at Harrow/Eton etc vs 2 working parents trying to allow their child to continue their education in this country at a more ‘normal’ setting while they have to move for financial reasons.
Seems like it’s only ok for the rich to do it…

I’d be happy to consider a boarding school but I honestly think I college would more suit DS’s personality.