Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Original poster

DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

420 replies

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:21

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Sofiewoo · 02/04/2025 16:23

Sounds like you feel it’s your job to correct him and tell him how to do things pretty constantly.

TwentyTwentyFive · 02/04/2025 16:25

Honestly yes you're being unreasonable. You're not his parent and you're not in charge if him. To be honest, if my other half felt they needed to constantly correct me or tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing then I'd probably get quite cross and shout too.

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 16:25

I think the first one - not wanting child to run out of reach on a busy London road aged 2 is reasonable. All others no. If my husband told me to be careful when carrying our baby upstairs that would piss me off a treat.

You are being ott

Moonnstars · 02/04/2025 16:25

I think your issue is your not allowing him to parent. From your examples it sounds like everything he does is wrong. Did you really need to tell him to watch your child on the scooter as they were wobbly for example. To me that is pretty unreasonable. What was the harm of child sitting on his shoulders to cross the road?
I think you need to take a step back and not control him.

ExtraOnions · 02/04/2025 16:26

He’s as much thier parent as you are, he also doesn’t want them to come to any harm. He has as much right as you to decide how and when they play, or if he carries them / puts them In a buggy.

You need to stop policing his relationship with his children .. just because it’s not your way, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way.

It would drive me nuts (in fact probably drive me away) if someone was so controlling.

Hazeby · 02/04/2025 16:26

It’s pretty simple - do you trust him with the safety of your children or not? If yes, you need to stop telling him what to do.

If you don’t, why not? What are your reasons?

AnnaMagnani · 02/04/2025 16:26

It sounds as if the real issue here is that he thinks you are criticising his parenting.

Original poster

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Yes I get that. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m not trying to butt into what he’s doing but I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong… I’m not trying to be horrible or controlling

OP posts:

Ilikeblack · 02/04/2025 16:28

I have a newborn and my DH and I are constantly reminding each other to be careful - tiredness, sleep deprived, adjusting to new baba - not that big a deal I would have said. I’m fairly sure I tell my DH to be careful on our stairs for his own sake 😁

Hercisback1 · 02/04/2025 16:28

Accept that he is bigger, stronger and possibly fitter than you, with possibly faster reactions. Things that seem unsafe to you, might not be to him.

The examples you've given would irritate me if you kept saying them to me.

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 16:28

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

You don’t intend to be controlling but in essence you are trying to control his interactions with his children (arguable unnecessarily)

pimplebum · 02/04/2025 16:28

Rule 1 of OCD is not to pass it on to others

get more help and stop saying be careful etc

springbabydays · 02/04/2025 16:29

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

You probably need to seek some help with this then.

TwentyTwentyFive · 02/04/2025 16:29

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

You are butting in though and you are trying to control his relationship and how he parents.

OhNoFloyd · 02/04/2025 16:29

This doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic to me, you're constantly telling him what he's doing isn't safe - but has anyone ever come to any harm in his care? It doesn't sound like it, which tells me that he is appropriately assessing risks. I suspect your risk assessment is off here, not his.

It's horrible when our kids get hurt... but as long as we're not talking about risks likely to actually kill them, then I'd let them get on with it.... we can't protect our kids from all harm forever, part of our job is teaching them how to recover and looking after them whilst they do so.

Your marriage could also be at risk of harm here...

Autumn38 · 02/04/2025 16:30

My DH is a lot like you. It feels really controlling of me and the kids. His anxiety comes out as snappy frustration with them doing things that kids like to do. I also find it embarrassing in front of other people.

I often think it’s fine to feel anxious, but you shouldn’t try to diminish it by controlling other people.

ScrewedByFunding · 02/04/2025 16:30

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Well if you carry on then you're being both of those things. Stop doing it.

takealettermsjones · 02/04/2025 16:31

There's a lot to unpack here really, but imo:

He shouldn't let them run next to a busy road
You shouldn't constantly tell him to be careful/watch the kids when he's already doing so
He shouldn't have said you're ruining the kids' lives
You shouldn't have to do all the life admin/childcare etc
You should get help with your OCD/ anxiety

Is there a bigger picture here, e.g. of him making unsafe decisions, or the kids having been injured before?

pinkdelight · 02/04/2025 16:33

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

You can explain that you’re not trying to butt in, but the reality is that you are butting in. You need to stop that and let him parent his DC and you do what you need to do to reassure yourself separately, because this is about managing your own anxieties, not passing them on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 16:34

One or two of those are reasonable but the rest aren’t. You chose this man to be the father of your children, you did that twice, do you think he’s a blithering idiot who wishes them harm or wants them to get hurt, abducted or killed?

Your way is just that, it’s not objectively the right way. He’s allowed to disagree with you and take his own approach to parenting. He’s right that your extreme caution is going to ruin their childhoods if it’s not stopped and I can guarantee it’s going to trash your marriage, which will also hurt your kids. You seem to be criticising him, undermining him and treating him like he’s completely stupid and that would drive anyone crazy.

Do you like him? Respect him? Think he’s a decent guy? If not you may as well divorce him but he’ll parent as he sees fit when they’re in his care. If so then do whatever you can to manage your issues and bite your tongue next time you want to dictate how he looks after the kids.

I agree with a PP that if my husband had told me how to carry our baby upstairs I’d have been deeply unimpressed.

WhereIsMyLight · 02/04/2025 16:34

I think it’s natural to not want to see your children and to try and protect them but we do need to let them make their own mistakes. So the first one I would have insisted on them holding a hand, I would have also insisted they can’t go out of sight at two. The others are just you saying be careful to your husband all the time. It’s like he can’t do anything right. I’d be pissed off at being told to be careful carrying a baby upstairs or to watch them on their scooter because they’re wobbly, which he can presumably see.

If you are saying be careful at every little thing, it’s hard to see what the really important things are for you like the road and going out of sight. I think your last point of you organising everything is also part of the problem. Either you organise everything because he just uses weaponised incompetence in which you wouldn’t trust him. If he starts doing things properly, you can trust him properly. Or you have things that like to be done a certain way and when he does things a little differently, you criticise.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 02/04/2025 16:36

OP I empathise, I recognise many of the scenarios you describe and have felt similarly anxious, it’s horrible. I have found the school run especially stressful when mine were younger, it used to really panic me when my then 3 year old would run ahead with friends whilst I had my under 1 DD in the pram and couldn’t get past other people to keep up.

If this is of any reassurance, my worries have deceased as mine have got older. They are now 6 and 3, and I’ve found I worry less generally as we’ve all experienced more, which is a relief. So hang in there- hopefully you’ll feel better as yours get a bit older too.

nam3c4ang3 · 02/04/2025 16:37

You sound like his mother and nagging at him at how to parent his own child. Tbf I would find this incredibly irritating as well - you chose to have a child with this man so you must think he’s alright and now you’re trying to teach him how to parent ‘right’?!

Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:38

His response isn't terribly helpful, but that would drive me mad too. You're basically telling him, constantly, that you don't trust him to care for his own DC.

Why is child safer in a buggy than on Dad's shoulders? And not letting them run ahead to the park is frankly bonkers IMO plus really where are you that there are multiple child abductions?

faerietales · 02/04/2025 16:38

Why don't you trust your husband?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Swipe left for the next trending thread