DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

Perhaps I have misunderstood.

I took it as the child running over a hill out of sight when they were 2. I’d let a 2 year old run ahead providing I could see them, catch them quickly, and there were no roads nearby.

But some of the things he's doing sound rather ill-considered, tbf, so to an extent he's casting her in that role...

You do sound annoying OP. Why did you have a baby with someone you think is incapable of looking out for their own child.

Turn it around, if he controlled how you looked after the children at the same rate as you, how would you feel?

I don’t mind them being out of reach. I’m talking about running way ahead. I am also much more relaxed on this as they’ve got bigger.

What are all the ill considered things?
Other than a child running without holding hands on the pavement next to a busy road the rest are OP being really over the top.
Panicking due to abductions when your 2 year old runs ahead “out of reach” and saying you will blame DH if anything happens is mental, as is most of OP’s other behaviour.

There's no need to tell the other parent to ''be careful'' when all they are doing is going up the stairs. Especially at a few days old when they aren't exactly mobile.

You need to see your GP. It sounds like you are suffering from an anxiety disorder and it’s making you controlling to the extent that it’s interfering with your life and your family life. You DH is as much their father as you are their mother. Can you imagine if he spent all day every day telling you not to do perfectly normal things?

I don’t think he’s incapable, as I said downthread.

You need to see your GP for your anxiety. It’s not fair on your DH or DCs. I get it, it’s shit but there’s help available.

People don’t ‘have to learn’ though. Ideally they can try to learn coping mechanisms, I take your post on board as it’s obviously more balanced! My point about the other post is that it’s just not that simple to bark out numbered rules and ‘what you need to do’ and just you just to stop doing’ etc. the way you’ve phrased things is more helpful. There’s no point barking at someone or making them feel worse when they’re struggling. Like I say, your post addresses the issue and what can done and the potential issues it can cause for those around you etc. I do think when people are struggling with a mental health issue though, too make people expect them to behave as if they don’t have the issue and to see things through the eyes of someone who doesn’t have the issue.

This is a horrible thing to say. Have some compassion FFS.

OP, OCD is not very well understood and I think most of the responses on here are quite harsh.

I think a lot of your list is reasonable, some less so. But it sounds like your DH is being very unsupportive and not trying to do anything to help the situation.

It sounds like you need to both sit down when DC in bed and talk calmly about what worries you, what's going on in your head, and acknowledge how needing this reassurance might feel controlling.
Then jointly think of ways to reduce your anxiety while not micromanaging his parenting.

I'm the opposite of you and I'd say I'm a risk taker, I've let my DC go off down a hill and come flying off their bike (I mean obviously I didn't want that to happen!) but they got back up and now are much more careful of their own accord - probably learnt better from that! But unlike some other parents mine never go without a helmet even on our flat drive at home, and i remove the bikes / scooters if they refuse to put one on no matter what speed or small area, which might seem more overprotective than some. That being said, I still understand all your worries and I don't think it's completely irrational so I don't think you are mad.

It sounds like DH is half the problem and should help find a solution with you and help you, not telling you you're ruining the kids lives. If he steps up and takes the pressure off you a bit too, you might find your anxiety calms down.

Is it not controlling on the flip side then, for him to tell me off for wanting to hold their hand on the road because I’m stifling their freedom in his view?

I do think you are being unreasonable op and this is coming from someone who has also been diagnosed with OCD, intrusive thoughts.
The worst thing he could do is to pander to you as this will only reinforce your thinking.
But I think the main issue is that it sounds like you are constantly criticising his parenting when in truth he hasn’t done anything terrible.
In your head you think you are keeping your DC safe, but by telling your DH to be careful carrying his newborn child is patronising, I don’t think for a second that he wasn’t keeping the baby safe so you saying it wasn’t going to change what your DH was doing so saying it was pointless.
If you carry on as you are you could very well destroy your marriage, and although you may not think it the constant criticism will def be picked up by your children, do you really want that?
i do think you need to have a sit down with your DH and apologise and take on board what has been said on this thread.

It's not a tit for tat competition. You've got some really good advice on this thread especially from posters who have been where you currently are. I suggest instead of trying to turn the tables and try to make him look unreasonable you take the advice given and seek support.

No. Because that's where DARVO comes into play.

It's not controlling for someone who is being controlled to resist that control.

Even if it means the controlling person feels uncomfortable about it.

A lot of control is about managing feelings in an unhealthy way. It's not wrong for someone to challenge that.

Ah misread slightly but the point still stands.

His reaction is OTT and quite aggressive, but the examples you have given do make you sound overprotective to the point of paranoia. The idea of not being allowed to run up a hill in case you get abducted is particularly paranoid. The odds of this happening are infinitesimally small and you're probably doing more damage by trying to protect them from this sort of thing than you would be accepting a totally manageable level of risk.

I think there's another issue which is that he probably feels like he's being constantly got at by you around how he parents and he feels he's walking on eggshells. He is their father and unless he's doing something egregiously dangerous you have to let him get on with it and not feel he's being constantly scrutinised.

Do you suffer from anxiety? I think its worth taking a step back and asking yourself why you are reacting in this way. I don't know what your relationship with your DH is like: are there deeper problems or reasons not to trust him? Because of the face of it it does sound like you are overprotective to a fairly unhealthy point.

I’m not trying to make it a competition, I’m asking a question. I agree on the advice, I am taking everything on board.

It’s fine to hold their hand across the road but given the exhaustive list you’ve given of all the times you’re DH has been in the wrong but have actually just been you acting really over the top I’m going to assume a lot of the time he says you’re stifling their freedom that you actually are.
You don’t seem to see his view point at all.

With kindness, a lot of people have given you really good insight and advice about your behaviour and how it could negatively impact your relationship and children but it seems you’re not ready to accept that you’re the one who has been unreasonable. I’d use this opportunity to reflect on that and consider this topic as something you need to unpick with a therapist.

Perhaps he’s lashing out as a result of being got at repeatedly. You might well have done the same if the roles were reversed.

Yes I know, I can see that I’m being ridiculous in some situations (e.g. the hill), I have a rational brain and an OCD brain and they’re always fighting.

Then that's what your OP should be asking, really. It doesn't sound like he is understanding or supportive at all, though. I'd tell him that, at least, and to get on-board sharing all the household duties.

I don’t think he’s in the wrong…

Do you watch him like a hawk when he has a child?
Ready to pounce on him at every situation?
That would annoy most women and seriously piss off every man I know.
They is different, they has a different view on risk. Have you not realised that?
Nearly always it works out OK. Honest it does, mine are adults now and never been to A&E.