Page 17 | DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

springbringshope · 04/04/2025 21:01

I always feel like OCD should mean Obsessive Control Disorder because that’s what it is. Wanting to control the situation, environment, other people, yourself.
you know you struggle so better to seek help for that don’t you think?

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 21:39

QueenMammoth · 04/04/2025 18:24

Hello, I’ve just had time to read through all of this, wasn’t expecting this many responses so thank you for all the advice. I’ll try to answer some questions that have come up, for anyone still reading…

Both DH and I work full time, I’m not a SAHM like some have guessed. I’ve changed my hours since going back to work, I do shift work now which is exhausting but allows me to work around the DC. We both work high pressure jobs. He works slightly longer hours than me and can’t WFH, whereas I can occasionally.

I am taking the advice given here on board - thank you to those who have shared helpful advice/opinions, I’m grateful. I mentioned earlier, I’ve had CBT and it did help a bit. When DC2 was tiny I was prescribed medication (sertraline?) and I was reluctant to take it as was EBF but maybe will look into that again now.

DH is dyslexic and was in an accident years ago as a young adult. He finds it difficult to do paperwork, admin etc., so I do all (I mean all) of it. I’ve tried asking for a little help, but he gets angry/upset when I say I need more help with “you don’t understand what it’s like for me” or “you’re better at it than me” type comments. Because he works more hours, I’m left in charge of drop offs and pick ups. He doesn’t need to worry about it, comes and goes as he pleases, won’t change his hours.

1000% he would always take care to keep the DC safe but he has been known to be reckless. I mentioned earlier, things like putting a newborn in car seat in the car roof while he faffed around in the car/leaving DC in the car alone while he went into a shop. I only know about the 2nd one because older DC told me he kept doing it. After all the replies on here I’m wondering if these are things to get worked up about though..?

I think a lot of people lack understanding of what OCD does to your mind, it’s not just a case of “being a bit OCD” and being a neat freak. DH doesn’t have a clue what my diagnosis even is, despite me telling him multiple times, sending him things to read to explain it better than I can, and explaining why I am the way I am sometimes and that it’s not a reflection of my opinion of his abilities. He thinks I’ve had PND.

just to add, as I think there’s a bit of confusion - I’m not “constantly” on at him. I said before, the examples I’ve given happened over 4 years. They’re the ones I’ve given because he holds onto them. Most days are pretty mundane and we just plod along. I’m not a nervous wreck like I’m obviously coming across 😂

If he left a baby in a car seat on the roof of the car while he faffed about inside what I would say to him would be unprintable. What a fucking idiot to do such a thing! As to leaving children unattended in a car that is utterly irresponsible. And being dyslexic does not excuse him, either. Dyslexia doesn't equal bloody stupid.
Also, he doesn't do more hours than you. You work full-time at a paid job and do all the domestics unpaid. He only works full-time at his paid job - no domestics. You work harder and probably longer hours.

CocoB03 · 04/04/2025 21:52

You are allowing your anxiety to cloud your judgement. Seek help with strategies to help you cope. Perhaps CB therapy would be a good starting point. Controlling/ anxious behaviour from a parent may result in poor confidence, low self esteem anxiety and poor resilience in your children. It may help to do some research on the impact/ outcomes

Mirabai · 04/04/2025 22:03

QueenMammoth · 04/04/2025 18:24

Hello, I’ve just had time to read through all of this, wasn’t expecting this many responses so thank you for all the advice. I’ll try to answer some questions that have come up, for anyone still reading…

Both DH and I work full time, I’m not a SAHM like some have guessed. I’ve changed my hours since going back to work, I do shift work now which is exhausting but allows me to work around the DC. We both work high pressure jobs. He works slightly longer hours than me and can’t WFH, whereas I can occasionally.

I am taking the advice given here on board - thank you to those who have shared helpful advice/opinions, I’m grateful. I mentioned earlier, I’ve had CBT and it did help a bit. When DC2 was tiny I was prescribed medication (sertraline?) and I was reluctant to take it as was EBF but maybe will look into that again now.

DH is dyslexic and was in an accident years ago as a young adult. He finds it difficult to do paperwork, admin etc., so I do all (I mean all) of it. I’ve tried asking for a little help, but he gets angry/upset when I say I need more help with “you don’t understand what it’s like for me” or “you’re better at it than me” type comments. Because he works more hours, I’m left in charge of drop offs and pick ups. He doesn’t need to worry about it, comes and goes as he pleases, won’t change his hours.

1000% he would always take care to keep the DC safe but he has been known to be reckless. I mentioned earlier, things like putting a newborn in car seat in the car roof while he faffed around in the car/leaving DC in the car alone while he went into a shop. I only know about the 2nd one because older DC told me he kept doing it. After all the replies on here I’m wondering if these are things to get worked up about though..?

I think a lot of people lack understanding of what OCD does to your mind, it’s not just a case of “being a bit OCD” and being a neat freak. DH doesn’t have a clue what my diagnosis even is, despite me telling him multiple times, sending him things to read to explain it better than I can, and explaining why I am the way I am sometimes and that it’s not a reflection of my opinion of his abilities. He thinks I’ve had PND.

just to add, as I think there’s a bit of confusion - I’m not “constantly” on at him. I said before, the examples I’ve given happened over 4 years. They’re the ones I’ve given because he holds onto them. Most days are pretty mundane and we just plod along. I’m not a nervous wreck like I’m obviously coming across 😂

OP if you are working FT then this simply is not ok:

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions

What does this “expected” mean? How does that manifest? Why is your workload so unequal, why have you not insisted on more equal breakdown of chores?

I don’t know what accident he had that means he can’t do admin, but presumably neither that nor dyslexia impacts his ability to do housework?

What was the impact of his accident, does it affect his coordination, impulse control, assessment of risk? Is that why you’re concerned when he’s with the kids?

If anyone left a baby on the roof or a child in the car I would be incandescent.

Mirabai · 04/04/2025 22:04

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 21:39

If he left a baby in a car seat on the roof of the car while he faffed about inside what I would say to him would be unprintable. What a fucking idiot to do such a thing! As to leaving children unattended in a car that is utterly irresponsible. And being dyslexic does not excuse him, either. Dyslexia doesn't equal bloody stupid.
Also, he doesn't do more hours than you. You work full-time at a paid job and do all the domestics unpaid. He only works full-time at his paid job - no domestics. You work harder and probably longer hours.

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Agreed. I’ve been trying to draw attention to this issue for the whole thread.

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 22:47

Mirabai · 04/04/2025 22:04

Agreed. I’ve been trying to draw attention to this issue for the whole thread.

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Thanks. NB have you read Mirabhai's poetry? Just wondered re your user name.

Mirabai · 04/04/2025 23:07

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 22:47

Thanks. NB have you read Mirabhai's poetry? Just wondered re your user name.

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Yes indeed love them. I’m half Indian.

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 23:14

Mirabai · 04/04/2025 23:07

Yes indeed love them. I’m half Indian.

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So is my DD. I love Mirabhai.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/04/2025 08:56

RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 19:01

He'd wandered off in a busy shopping centre and tragically the awful events unfolded as they did. We're talking about a toddler running into a park with two parents watching.
The idea that there are child snatchers waiting behind the bushes is ridiculous, it just isn't the case.

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He wandered off because he'd been enticed by two children who led him to his demise.

No luv, they're not in bushes.
They're walking in front/behind you/shoulder to shoulder in the streets where we live.....

lolly792 · 05/04/2025 11:46

There’s quite a drip feed on this thread. Obviously leaving a baby in a car seat on the car roof is stupid. You just strap the seat in while you’re faffing about in the car.

but telling the other parent to be careful carrying the baby upstairs, and telling them they should take the pushchair to pick up the one year old when the parent prefers to carry them is ridiculous. His pick up, his choice.

the issue about unequal workloads is also a problem. The OP says she works a little less than her DH and she can also sometimes WFH so fair enough to pick up a bit more of the home and child workload but not everything! I would not put up with that. It needs a serious talk and restructure of running the home. The only thing I would ask the OP is whether she’s controlling over those things as well? Sometimes people (particularly if they have OCD and anxiety) can take on the majority of stuff because they like it done their way, and then complain that they carry too much of the load.
if you’re the sort of person who re-stacks the dishwasher after he’s done it, he’s probably given up doing stuff. If you’re not, then he’s taking the piss and you need to have a serious chat about changing things.

but fgs let him be a parent. Don’t control the little things like whether he wants to carry his child

LookingAtMyBhunas · 10/04/2025 08:50

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 05/04/2025 08:56

He wandered off because he'd been enticed by two children who led him to his demise.

No luv, they're not in bushes.
They're walking in front/behind you/shoulder to shoulder in the streets where we live.....

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They're online now.

I think it's really sad we don't see groups of kids just hanging out anymore.

I recently read a really interesting essay that states that kids are now completely overprotected outside the house, to their huge detriment, and completely underprotected online. I can't see any reason to think that's untrue.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/04/2025 09:01

LookingAtMyBhunas · 10/04/2025 08:50

They're online now.

I think it's really sad we don't see groups of kids just hanging out anymore.

I recently read a really interesting essay that states that kids are now completely overprotected outside the house, to their huge detriment, and completely underprotected online. I can't see any reason to think that's untrue.

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I think there's a lot of truth in that also.

My son was playing a game and a stranger told him to check out these websites. I discovered my son naked and on a live adult interactive website
He was 9 years old.
I am so aware of child SA in the outside world but didn't know it was kind of going on under my roof....

momtoboys · 23/04/2025 20:44

The fact that you can recall all those instances when you felt you had to intervene to some extent proves to me that you are being unreasonable.

FromWalesAndBackAgain · 24/04/2025 22:19

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/04/2025 09:01

I think there's a lot of truth in that also.

My son was playing a game and a stranger told him to check out these websites. I discovered my son naked and on a live adult interactive website
He was 9 years old.
I am so aware of child SA in the outside world but didn't know it was kind of going on under my roof....

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This is absolutely terrifying!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 25/04/2025 07:18

FromWalesAndBackAgain · 24/04/2025 22:19

This is absolutely terrifying!

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It was utterly horrific.
Worst moment of my life I think.....

BlondiePortz · 25/04/2025 07:20

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Yes I get that. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m not trying to butt into what he’s doing but I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong… I’m not trying to be horrible or controlling

You can dress it up how you want you are being controlling and you know it, i wouldn't stay married to someone who carries on like this and I would go to court to seek orders about the harm this would do to a child, and yes I am taking this seriously

Jk987 · 25/04/2025 07:43

Honestly, what you’re saying to him is really irritating.

Why are you doing most of the housework etc though?

stichguru · 25/04/2025 07:55

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:28

Yes I get that. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m not trying to butt into what he’s doing but I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong… I’m not trying to be horrible or controlling

I think you have to separate your MOTIVE from you ACTION. You say you have OCD and anxiety and so that is likely to make you over anxious and make you seek reassurance more. Your motive is not to be mistrusting or controlling. However, your action of questioning or "correcting" many things your husband does with your child IS controlling. Normally a dad/husband would be able to make his own judgements about the little everyday moments with his child. Yours can't because you control those moments, and criticise them if you don't like them. Please get some help for your condition and try to give your husband more space to parent how he wants.

Playdoughy · 26/10/2025 01:00

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:21

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

You sound like me, and I think that those who are telling you you are overreacting just have different husbands - that's all.
My husband didn't go to a single prenatal class with me, never looked at a first aid video that I repeatedly resent to him, and generally has ideas like trickling our toddler for fun while he is chewing his lunch. He also doesn't understand why you cannot have 18 month old eating grapes while you push him in the buggy and can't see his face at all times. He just 'knows' everything and doesn't need to be told.
As a mum you need to ensure your child is not put in risky situations - you are perfectly normal, you just had a child with a manchild.

Gilgogirl · 26/10/2025 01:09

Being a first time mother I think everyone should give you grace. You won’t be like that forever and they can deal with it for a minute. You’ll loosen up.