DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

I say this as someone who is also extremely anxious, you think you’re right but you’re wrong.

I did the same when i had my first son and he was very ill as a baby, when we got him home i kept saying to dh “be careful”. One day he turned round and said “when you say that to me you undermine my confidence as a parent”. I stopped, as best I could. He appreciated the effort.

You’re doing the same to your dh. Force yourself to stop now for the benefit of your children and your relationship.

He loves them too and wants to keep them safe, if he didn’t you wouldn’t be with him surely?

You were definitely not unreasonable in your first example about him letting a 2 year old run off on its own next to a busy road.

He may find you annoying and over-protective but he isn't showing any empathy or making any allowances for your post-partum OCD and anxiety and is being quite mean to you. He could try and reassure you that he is being careful and nothing will happen but he doesn't want to do that.

Sorry trying to respond to all the follow ups
thanks for responses, it’s very helpful and I do genuinely not want to create problems.
I think I get so irritated because he wants me to be in charge of almost everything until he feels like weighing in. Plus he’s made zero effort to understand what’s going on in my head… OCD can make you rigid and it’s really difficult to just snap out of it (not that I don’t understand why I’m annoying)

Carry on like this and you will end up damaging not only your partner's mental health but your children's too!

I sympathise I was also quite anxious when kids were little and until a few years ago. They are teens now.

You need to work on your anxiety. Have you had blood test yo ensure everything including vitamins are in order. Do you take vitamin D, Magnesium?

Magnesium chelated has helped a lot.

Assuming your DH is a capable, intelligent adult who loves the kids as much as you do, I think you are being unreasonable. Your anxiety is ruling your life and his and I think you need therapy to work through this. I also suggest you talk to your husband and say that you acknowledge your anxiety, that you will seek help and that it is no reflection on his parenting. Ask him to bear with you on this but also point out that anger is not going to help.

You will pass this anxiety onto your DC if they keep hearing be careful be careful all the time. There’s a middle ground that is a healthy level of risk if you let them run and be carried without fear. And if they fall, well they’ll be fine and learn something. If they never fall, they’ll never know how to cope. Focus on managing your own fears and not controlling so much. It only feeds the anxieties ultimately.

YABU to keep reminding a GROWN aduth to be careful.

I actually think most/many of your points were reasonable!

I think you do need to be careful next to roads, including on the scooter. Also think it's reasonable to warn someone if the kid starts leaning back whilst in a shoulder ride.

Yes maybe you need to cut your partner some slack but I think he needs to cut you some too.

Yes I think it gets tense in the moment so this is good advice.
just to clarify this is not a constant thing… these examples are spread over 4 years, the stairs thing was the first time he took them upstairs when we brought baby home from the hospital

multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks

'Multiple reports', by which you mean bullshit urban myth rumours on Facebook that had no basis in reality.

Honestly, you need to get a grip. Apart from the first one, all of these make you sound very obsessive and panicky and fussy.

Thank you. I have said this to him.
but I do think I need some more therapy maybe.

Yes I obviously don’t want to affect the DC.

I am obsessive and panicky and fussy. That’s how OCD makes you, it convinces you the worst things imaginable will happen. That’s not his fault, though, obviously.

Same. Even if you feel these things you have to bite your lip and let him care for them his way. Carrying kids is a joy and not something you can do for long. I miss it!
They are as much his as they are yours and even if he does things a bit differently you need to trust him with them!

As the kids get older there will be many instances of you needing to let go and sometimes its a "calculated" risk. It's worse to not let them try to have bits of freedom as you'll make them frightened of life.

Next time they want to run up the hill to the park, one of you run with them if you're worried..

Your husband would hate me!

I honestly can’t understand why parents allow their kids to run on main roads (I see that a lot on our walk to school). Parents who are normally active and caring parents allowing their young children to run next to traffic going 40mph. One wrong move, trip or push and they’re dead under a car.

YANBU. It may be annoying for your husband but surely he can let it go, given you’re just trying to instil risk analysis and safety rules into your preschoolers?

Unfortunately @QueenMammoth it still comes across as though you are controlling and don’t trust him. I think your first example was fine but the others - you are telling him what he should and should not do.

Plus he’s made zero effort to understand what’s going on in my head… OCD can make you rigid and it’s really difficult to just snap out of it

The flip-side of that is that you can't expect someone else to adapt their own behaviour to appease your anxieties - it's not healthy and won't help you in the long run. I say that as someone who is autistic and struggles badly with anxiety.

It's not my DH's role to appease me and to change how he lives his life just because it might make me feel better temporarily. That's not fair and if you pass those expectations onto your children, you could create real issues down the line.

Of course you're not TRYING to be horrible or controlling, but that doesn't actually make it any easier for the person who is having to constantly reassure you and is being questioned all the time. You need to recognise that, even though your behaviour might be linked to your OCD/anxiety, it has a big impact on the people around you - your husband and your kids. Saying 'I'm not trying to butt in' doesn't make it any better, because the fact is, you are still butting in.

Being asked for reassurance or dealing with someone questioning, flapping, fussing etc over everything you do is very, very draining and I can completely see why your partner is starting to get angry about it. It's got nothing to do with how much he does or doesn't do around the house - that's an entirely separate issue.

“Ruining DCs life” is a bit dramatic, isn’t it..?

If there are circumstances that could be risky, I think it’s okay to voice your concerns - it’s not like you’re commanding him to do things a different way…

It’s interesting that your post is all about ruining your DCs life but actually your post is about what you are doing to your DH when actually it is him that your behaviour is affecting

You are undermining him and treating him like he doesn’t know how to parent his children - they are as much his as yours

That is not how a respectful relationship works and no wonder he is getting irritated. Imagine how you would feel if he was constantly putting you down

My mum is like you, OP after staying with me last week I was just so tired of the warnings of things to be careful of. I get that you are worried, but please please don't spread the worry. I wish she'd interact more with DD and do less interrupting her play to say "watch out for X, be careful!" I have a baby and 2yr old.
As an adult it just reads as someone trying to think for you and is undermining and ends up just being totally useless as I ignore it.

For the things you listed I don't think you are being ott at all. You're just being cautios when it comes to the safety of your children. So am I and my DH as well. When they were younger I would have said the same things as you. My youngest son 11 has started come home by himself on the bus (not a big city) and I'm not worried at all. But when he was 2, 4, 6 I wouldn't let go of his hand while walking next to a road with cars going by fast. Just common sense in my book. I was/am lucky because dh was on the same page.

Being a grown adult doesn’t automatically make someone a good parent.

Look at that American dad who left their child in a car in the heat and she died. Some parents are shit at safety and risk.

If someone feels their child is at risk, they are entitled and obliged to say something! Scootering and running near busy main roads is unsafe and irresponsible - as everyone would agree if god forbid they get run over in the future.

I think you do need to accept that this behaviour will definitely affect your children. They will pick up on it. You do need to work on it.