DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

When you constantly tell someone to be careful etc, what you are communicating is -

I don't trust you

You can't be trusted to evaluate a situation and make decisions based upon your assessment of that situation because your judgement can't be trusted.

For your partner, this will be irritating and will eventually cause him to lose confidence in himself because, others are correct, it is controlling and, as we see in all people who live with these behaviours, they begin to doubt themselves and it impacts on their confidence in themselves.

It's something you need to get a handle on before your children are older and you begin to do this to them. Because what this will communicate to them is the same.
The impact on children is that they don't develop positive self esteem, self confidence or a strong sense of self because they've absorbed the message that they are always wrong so they themselves were wrong.

It might not feel like criticism to you but it is. And one of the truest things I ever end was this -

When you criticise your children the don't stop loving you, they stop loving themselves.

And this is the problem. If your children learn that you don't trust them and their judgement, they learn not to trust themselves or their judgement. They will grow into teens/adults who are always seeking reassurance/asking others what to do because they can't trust their own decision making.

You can't eliminate risk. You can mitigate against it to a degree but it would be terribly unfair to bring your children up to always be fearful of what could.go wrong instead of being adventurous in life and finding out what could go right.

Can you agree your none negotiables. eg toddler on reigns/backpack walking near traffic.
The busy traffic one I understand.
The rest is perception of risk eg I’d view pram more risky than him carrying child - he could point you to stories of baby killed in pram.
Park. Risk of stranger abduction vanishingly small v child development being affected by not being able to play.

yes, this pretty much sums it up. I am exhausted, I’m really sleep deprived which isn’t helping either.

I’m surprised that you’re bringing told that yabu and have anxiety.

Most of the things on your list seem perfectly reasonable and your dh sounds careless.

Some of the things yabu, like him carrying the baby upstairs doesn’t need you to tell him to be careful.

But a toddler shouldn’t be running on the pavement alongside a busy road, or running off ahead at the park out of view.

The problem is he’s an adult and shouldn’t need to be told. If he’s got a lax parenting style (which ment people do) you’re going to have a problem.

@QueenMammoth

But you are butting in. Seemingly all the time. It’s very very annoying.

Have you had further help with your anxiety?

I get what you’re saying, but they are 4 and 1. I found it eased a lot as eldest got bigger, but worsened again after 2nd pregnancy. But I get your point and obviously don’t want to send that message to anyone

Not trying… and yet still doing it.
It does seem that you think he’s a shit Dad and he’s only allowed to parent under your micromanagement.

You’re going to ruin your marriage as well as their childhood.

You do your things your way and let him do things his way. Kids will be fine... it's not worth arguing about such stuff, trust me.

No but the general 'rule' around MH is that you are responsible for managing and regulating your own behaviours/responses and that controlling the behaviour of others is not an appropriate method of this.

People have to learn to sit with their uncomfortable feelings and the OP might have to do this rather than jump in straightaway with a criticism.

It’s not all the time. As I said earlier, these examples are over 4 years.

The comments are not wild at all. Telling the father of your child to be careful when they carry them is redundant and patronising. As for “multiple reports of attempted abductions”, that’s obviously ridiculous.

You say you're exhausted and sleep deprived, is he telling you to be careful, or commenting on your interactions with them when you're this tired?

I think the words he is using are unfair and too dramatic, if as you say you only use a phrase like be careful once in a particular scenario. I get you have anxiety and OCD but there's a difference between what you think and what comes out of your mouth. You might not be able to stop the panicky feeling and the 'he's going to drop him' voice in your head but you can decide to not articulate that thought. The more that DH manages to do without your input, the more you will start to relax I think, but to get to that point you need to say nothing for a while and just have faith in him.

Can you reverse positions and think how you would feel if he told you to be careful? Would you feel criticised or supported?

I think the biggest problem with things like this is that they become habits that are hard to break.

I know I have (very) unhelpful thought patterns that I've tried very hard to break but they've become part of my perpetual interior monologue. I'm not even always conscious of them and that's worse. Sometimes the thought has filled my brain along with its accompanying physiological response before I've even heard it.

It's much harder to stop it at that stage because there's nothing but decades and decades of it to cut through!

Good luck

Op said that the child was 2 at the time.

Who lets a 2 year old run ahead out of sight and reach?

Never mind abductions, they could wander off, get knocked over by a dog, run in front of the swings.

Abductions are rare, but there are times when there are issues in certain areas. We’ve had reports of attempted abductions.

My mum was/is highly anxious. "Be careful" was the phrase I heard most. It really impacted my life. Was your mum similar?

Generally men will have a higher tolerance to risk, because they are physically bigger/stronger. Having 2 parents, one who encourages you to explore and the other who cares is a great balance. If you can recognise that his parenting is different to yours, not better, just different that might help to stop the commentary.

Ps well done for taking the feedback

This was me back when my DS was very little. I hovered and "corrected" his Dad a lot. It lead to me being diagnosed with PND and doing a lot of therapy.

Are you still getting support for your OCD and anxiety? Xxx

Did you think he would not be careful, unless you told him to?

Did you think he didn’t notice the child leaning back? You can feel children on your shoulders.

Your anxiety and OCD is at the root of all of this, but you can’t expect others to behave in a way that reassures it. That’s your issue to resolve.

Did you think he’d drop the baby if you didn’t remind him not to?

If you’ve felt like this for 4 years and clearly consider him to be dangerously lacking, what made you want to have a second child with the man?

OP said the child was out of reach, not out of sight. My children were frequently beyond arm’s reach in parks and the like at that age, and I don’t think that makes me a negligent parent.

No I don’t think he’d drop the baby… the baby was 1 or 2 days old and my brain was scrambled
I’ve not said this to him since re carrying the DC

I also don’t see him as “dangerously lacking” - it’s not about him really. It’s a MH condition.
BUT that doesn’t mean I think it’s ok or fair on him, I just wish he’d make a bit more effort to understand.

I won't lie you sound very anxious and ott and that gets annoying when its too much, you need to trust him to be a dad and not be so critical.

You are seriously overprotective and your DC are going to be seriously disadvantaged when they’re older if you don’t get your OCD and anxiety treated.

I can just imagine when they’re 15 and you think it’s too dangerous for them to walk to the shop…